Ah, the joys of a break away from it all.

Well, a corporate training course in Crewe to be precise, together with an overnight hotel stay.

I like hotels. Free shower caps to protect my bald head. Wonderful cooked breakfasts and no washing up to do.

My employer, in their wisdom, decided to put me up in the Jarvis Crewe Hotel, a 3 crown hotel located next to the town railway station. A most interesting experience.

I shall take you through the brochure and translate for you, based on my brief experiences.


WELCOME

Once a stopover for Queen Victoria, this hotel has kept its luxurious elegance.

This is an ageing hotel in need of major renovation and, other than electricity, has had little done since Vicky's visit.


HOME FROM HOME

There are 53 bedrooms. All have an ensuite bathroom, remote control TV, direct dial telephone and tea and coffee making facilities.

The bedrooms are small with only basic facilities. TV channels are limited although you can pay £7.50 for some pornography. You can use our phones to ring home, but it is cheaper to use your mobile. We will ensure that there is inadequate milk to go with your kettle, to ensure you pay extra for a brew in the bar area. There is a reasonable chance that your bedroom will be next to the railway station so the furniture will rattle every few minutes throughout the night. The noise will be intolerable if you open your window, so you will be very hot. Our beds are a wonderful U shape to ensure a dreadful night sleep.


TIME TO SIT BACK

Relax and unwind in the Victorian style bar. And if you fancy something lighter, try Super Bowl, a new concept in bar food and room service. Served in a bowl.

This is a typical hotel bar with pool table, fruit machine and over priced drinks. If you would like to pay a silly amount for a small meal, you can.


FANTASTIC FOOD AND GREAT AT
MOSPHERE

Hobsons restaurant offers a fine range of English fayre. Spaghetti Junction is a restaurant offering great Italian food.

Hobsons choice. Bloody awful food from a limited photocopies menu or Italian food from an empty room with no staff. The worst hotel breakfast I have ever encountered. An inner city café would sell the same for £2, not the £11.50 charged here.


A DAY TO REMEMBER

The Gladstone Suit is the perfect setting for your wedding or special event.

I did not see this suite, but surely there are nice venues in central Cheshire for such an important event.


OUT AND ABOUT

Close by are the historic Cathedral City of Chester, Stapeley Water Gardens and of course, Alton Towers.

If you want to visit somewhere nice, stay at a hotel in Chester or on site at Alton Towers.



The £80 my firm paid for dinner, bed and breakfast was not good value. The dining room staff were uninterested in customers and I was left clueless to the breakfast routine, waiting 10 minutes to be asked for my order. I would have been better off in a Travel Inn nipping out to McDonalds for dinner and breakfast.

A place to avoid.

01270 213 204 is the number to ring if you really wish to visit.