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Wearing your Dinner!
Member Name: lamorna
Date: 18/06/01, updated on 18/06/01 (1652 review reads)
Advantages: Covers Stencils., Covers Lasagne., Covers Salmon.
Disadvantages: I have to do the painting., I'm tired of painting., But could I trust Morty to do the painting?
It’s Christmas Eve and we’re down the pub with our crowd, both giving it large. I’m conducting my usual multi-faceted conversation with eight people at once, whilst all the time my ears are finely tuned into radar mode in order to earwig any other interesting snippets of worthwhile exchangeable gossip. I freeze!
~~Best Mate to Morty~~
“Alright then Morty? The six-seater’s booked to pick you and your Doris up at 11.30am for the Christmas Day lunchtime session at the ‘Dope & Wanker’ (aka Hope and Anchor)
~~Morty to Best Mate~~
“ Yeah mate! Haven’t told the Doris yet, but I’ll sort it!”
My next two hours in the pub were spent in a purple haze. We took our taxi home and back to our pre-prepared Christmas Eve supper, ‘Here’s one I made earlier’ A whole fresh cooked salmon, resting invitingly on the kitchen worktop. Morty never got to eat it! He wore it! Sadly so did the three feet thick white emulsioned stone walls of the cottage.
In spite of the ‘Wearing Your Dinner’ ceremony. we made up, relaxed and had the Christmas Day I wan
I dab the fishy stains off the walls with the remainder of a tin of white emulsion and a stubbly paintbrush that I found in the garden shed. I didn’t know about Johnstones Coverplus Vinyl Matt Emulsion Brilliant White did I?
The cottage is very forgiving. I use 40watt peach light bulbs and candlelight at night. Other lighting fitments are up-lighters, no harsh 100watt bulbs for me. The salmon stains settle in.
He shouldn’t have said it! A year passed by and he hadn’t listened to me..again! Morty should have known better. We’d bought tickets for a live band gig in town. We are, by habit, early evening drinkers, out at 6.00pm and always back home for dinner by 9.00pm. On special nights out it’s different. Morty plays golf and always has a couple on the 19th hole. That’s fine. Always home by 4.30pm with plenty of time for a shower, change of clothes and then out by 8.00pm for our ‘Musical Soiree’ evening. He shouldn’t have said it!
The phone call from the pub at 7.00pm confirms my worst fears,
~~Morty from Pub~~
“ Got caught up babe! Get a cab will you? I’ll meet you in the ‘Dope Takers’ (aka Rope Makers) to watch the band”
I did as ordered, I went to see the band. Meeting your partner, the person you love, when they’ve been on the juice for four hours and you’ve had nothing to drink just doesn’t work does it my friends? We were on different planets!
Later that night: Morty wore his lasagne and sadly so did the three feet thick white emulsioned walls of the cottage!
I dab the lasagne stains off the walls with the remainder of a tin of white emulsion and a stubbly paintbrush that I found in the garden shed. I didn’t know about Johnstones Coverplus Vinyl Matt Emulsion Brilliant White did I?
But I do now! There are countless brands of emulsion paint in the numerous DIY sto
res all over the country. They all advertise and have become household names. Living in a small town as I do, all the DIY stores I have access to are independent retailers, meaning when I walk in and ask for an emulsion paint that is required to cover “Salmon and Lasagne stains on rough, natural plaster walls, and a one coat application please” I always get given first class advice, bearing in mind the retailer also sells the market leaders. I had never heard of Johnstones paint. I was told by the manager that it was a trade paint and the one that builders use to great effect. I bought a big pot of Johnstones Coverplus Vinyl Matt Emulsion Brilliant White, a brand new emulsion brush, as I considered the stubbly one had gone on, and was assured that one coat would cover all. It crossed my mind that he hadn’t seen my walls.
It worked. I began in my Galley Kitchen, and when I moved the cooker, I prayed I didn’t drop down dead right then and give anyone the chance to see the state of my walls as my epitaph would then be “ What a dirty cat!” A quick wipe down and I began painting and I can assure you all, the paint lives up to its name, Coverplus. No dripping, which matters enormously as I never cover anything up when I decorate, and the coverage was instant.
The rest of my cottage was covered with stencils. Very ‘90s indeed wasn’t it? I had this philosophy, if it didn’t move, then stencil it, and now I was regretting it deeply. They were everywhere. I’d gone wacky with them, I had a virtual stencilled tree creeping its way up the staircase and ending in a burst of canaries and bumble bees on the landing. The bathroom had butterflies winging their way to escape through the windows. To make matters worse, I’d cheated and used car spray paint canisters to get the bronze, gold and luminous effects. How was I going to cover all that? Why! With a big pot of Johnstones Coverplus Vinyl Matt Emu
lsion Brilliant White.
I steadily worked my way through the cottage. The transformation was instant. The paint doesn’t drip at all. It dried so quickly with a soft, matt finish that reduces the unevenness of the plaster and stone walls. The salmon and lasagne stains disappeared magically. This is a superb emulsion and I would urge anyone to use it, as surely there’s nobody else out there with such history up their walls? Remember the name Johnstones, the next time you buy emulsion or gloss paint, and see if it’s a choice for you. I’ve painted the whole cottage right up to my attic, with a beautiful result, and for very little cost. One 5 litre tin costs about £12.00, with one tin of 500ml gloss costing about £6.00. Johnstones quote on the tin ‘No Ordinary Paint’ and they are correct.
Then I reached the bedroom. The sunlight hits the windows very early in the morning and wakes us up. Even with heavy curtains, the light penetrates through at the crack of dawn along with the noise of screeching seagulls. I felt the need for a dark bedroom, womb like, embracing, flattering to the complexion and inductive to romance.
I have to leave you now as I am painting the bedroom with Johnstones Vinyl Coverplus Matt Emulsion in Burgundy! Morty is a little concerned as it is very deep red and reminiscent of a Tart’s Boudoir. He doesn’t know it yet, but the name of the gloss paint manufactured by Johnstones, in a suitable co-ordinating contrast shade suitable for the woodwork is called ‘Buff’’ Well, it is a bedroom innit?