My Home Smells Like An Accountant's Office ~ YIPPEEEE! (Neutradol)

Member Name: mr-zeeman

Product:	Neutradol
Date:	02/12/03 (359 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It really does destroy unpleasant odours.

Disadvantages: Slightly more expensive than its less-efficient competitors.

I'm seriously underwhelmed by all the fruity, floral, scented plug-in, spray-on, leave-it-sitting-on-the-window-sill, air-freshening products available. The main problem being that they're over-abundant with the type of perfume that just doesn't hack it with my "Kays-Catalogue meets 2nd-Hand-Chic via Dusty-Dog-Kennel" designer decor. They're expensive too.

And I'm not a sweet, floaty, out-of-focus, blossom-fragranced, Anais Anais sort of gal by nature. I'm more your musky, Patchouli Oil, seawater and fresh ground coffee type of boot-wearing Earth Mother. But the sad fact is, my home stinks.

The two adult males who currently dwell under my roof emit strong vapours (mainly, but not exclusively, from their feet); and they douse themselves regularly with vile, ever-so-macho stuff that they think will attract women, like flies. My three dogs have windy bottoms; and they eat canned food which seems to have undergone months of decomposition before being processed. In addition, Bob the Greyhound has particularly bad tuna breath, which he shares with the rest of us by yawning a lot, in a very uneccessary, and over-dramatic way. For my sins, I use far too much garlic in every meal including breakfast; I boil a lot of cabbage; and I leave half-full jars of turpentine substitute hanging about in the kitchen, until it evaporates.

So what's to be done? NEUTRADOL that's what! Neutradol is a registered trade name for an item which was developed by Swiss Technology in 1963 (presumably after they'd gone as far as they could go with cuckoo clocks). It is produced in good old Blighty by M.S. George Ltd. Richmond TW9 2RG.

Now the clever trick with Neutradol products (all of them ... and there's a fair range) is that they're non-toxic deodorizers. In Neutradol-speak: "Other products" (and we all know who they are, don't we, Haze and Glade?) "are re-deodorizing"; which sim
ply means that they provide a stronger (supposedly more pleasant) smell to mask your unwanted household stench. But by some mysterious chemical chain-reaction (which the boffins at M.S. George Ltd. don't disclose) this product ... which, incidently, consists of "essential oils, plus 50 different ingredients, some of which are natural" ... breaks up bad odour molecules, and eliminates them.

Obviously, statements like this inspire questions from anyone whose chemical awareness didn't extend anywhere beyond GCE 'O' Level. For example:
a) What exactly are the UNNATURAL ingredients, and how many are there?
b) How does Neutradol distinguish between odours that are bad, and those which are OK?
c) Where do the broken-up malodorous molecules finish up?
d) Has this non-toxic product been tested on animals?

I checked the website ~ www.neutradol.com ~ and clicked on the "frequently asked questions" option. D'Ohh ... am I thick or what? Absolutely NO-ONE else has had to ask either a) b) c) or d). So I've emailed the manufacturers, and will update this review when I get a response.

My first encounter with a Neutradol product was whilst working as an environmental hygienist (ie: a cleaner) for a firm of accountants. Generally, office cleaning per se lends itself to one or two pauses for levity each session ... but being employed by ACCOUNTANTS ... Oi oi oi! what grim lives these people lead. I was informed that the 'phone lines were tapped; tea bags counted; toilet roll connected directly to mains electricity; and magazines tested for fingerprints. (OK ... maybe that's a slight exaggeration: but you get the general nose-to-the-grindstone idea?) However, one positive point about this particular place was the fact that I was issued with a Neutradol pump spray ... to eliminate the stale fag and nylon-shirt-under-arm, socks-need-changing odour which had built up in the office du
ring the number-crunching working day.

Marvellous. Unlike other places of work, which I had sprayed with those dreadful "re-deodorizers" before making a hasty exit, I didn't leave this place smelling as though some old slapper had just spilled a bottle of cheap and nasty perfume in a cut-price hairdresser's salon. How to describe the Neutradol scent? Errrm ... it's subtle. It suggests a calm tourquoise blue, with a hint of ultramarine. Like very strong fresh air. On the peak of a mountain. After a coastal storm. With a touch of lemon zest and a spray of gentle antiseptic. Yep ...it smells like a Gin and Bitter Lemon, Served in a Cliff-Top, Oceanic Bathroom.

Sadly since leaving the ranks of England's char ladies, I have not seen this bulk pump action product again. It hails from M.S. George's "Professional" range. I have, however, spotted a "useful and discrete" (15ml) "handbag size" version. Now, you're wondering, why would anyone want to carry a mini air-freshner spray in their handbag? Well I for one conduct many, many journeys by public transport. And some of my fellow-passengers have HUGE personal hygiene problems. Squirting this stuff around on the bus would certainly make travel more bearable; and simultaneously it would drive home the salient points that I'm far too shy to utter in words. For instance, it could signify remarks such as: "Madam, please change your knickers more often"; or "Sir, please refrain from farting in an enclosed space". Non-verbal communication, I find, is a very good way of avoiding any likelihood of being punched in the face.

There is also a larger 50ml pump spray. M.S. George's web-site suggests that people should carry this about their person, or perhaps in a briefcase, so that they are prepared for such eventualities as a) entering a foul-smelling hotel room, b) accepting a lift in a car which reeks

of (unspecified) wet pets, or c) returning to your country house which hasn't been occupied since you were last there 6 months ago. Yep ... I can relate to all three of those dilemmas. Honestly. (Ok ... maybe I could substitute 'shed at the bottom of the garden' for 'country house'.)

The potent 300ml aerosol spray (£1.28p from Kwik Save) is easily recognised in its no-nonsense dark blue container, with white lettering. It effectively neutralises ALL embarrassing home-related whiffs, with a shorter burst of mist than that required by any of its rivals. There are two other things in the fragranced and colour co-ordinated Neutradol product range which I use regularly and can recommend ... please excuse me for shoving them in here. Firstly, the vacuum cleaner deodorizer. Three sachets are marketed in a wedge-shaped blue box for £1.09 in Wilkinsons. Just by popping one sachet into your vacuum's (empty) dust-bag you can completely get rid of that horrendous "crumbs ... something must have crawled under the carpet and died" aroma which greets the nostrils of all dog owners as soon as the hoover's switched on. The familiar Neutradol fragrance lasts, and continues to extinguish nasty pongs, until the dust bag needs emptying. Excellent.

And secondly, the Neutradol gel diffuser. This item can cope well with small to medium sized, moderately fuming rooms. Larger, or more pungent areas, would require two. Inside the blue box, the damned attractive opaque tourquoise blue gel is housed in an unobtrusive rounded white plastic pot, with a pierced, hub-cap shaped top, allowing the 50 ingredients to drift out and do the business. It lasts up to 90 days in temperatures not exceeding 20C, and costs £1.05 from "Wilkos". Fabulous. But do try to resist the sudden urge to poke a pencil (or finger) into the gel.

Summary: