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Nouvelle Soft Recycled Toilet Roll

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26 Reviews
  • Overall poor quality
  • sandpaper would be better
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    26 Reviews
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      02.07.2013 21:36
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      A value product with a expensive price tag

      I had been buying value range toilet roll for a while and alternating it with my Andrex as part of my attempt to reduce our grocery shopping bill. When I saw Nouvelle had 100% extra free on the large packs giving you 18 rolls for the price of 9 I thought that I would give a try expecting it to be somewhere between the 2 options i had been using in terms of quality.

      Packaging
      The 100% recycled plastic packaging sends a very strong message of this being an environmentally friendly product in a picture of a daisy and a ladybird accompanied by 'It doesn't cost the earth'. This is expanded on when you look at the back of the packet with further claims that the product is 'genuinely green', produces 'less waste' and is 'naturally soft'.

      Using the product
      The cardboard tube has been made smaller to reduce waste but it still fitted easily onto my toilet roll holder. Each roll has on average 207 sheets which makes it look a decent size that will last a while. The paper is slightly decorated which in my opinion makes it look cheap but was expecting this to add to the 'naturally soft' claim. When using this toilet paper I was disappointed, it isn't very absorbent and soon starts to disintegrate. More so than some value toilet paper I have tried. This leads to you using more and so a false economy in my opinion.
      The 'naturally soft' claim, well I didn't find this as soft as I would have expected. In terms of comparison it was far closer to a value product than a top branded one.

      Price and availability
      Full price for this product is currently (July 2013) £5 for 9 rolls, I'm glad I got 18 rolls for my £5 as I'd have been really annoyed if I'd spent £5 on a pack. It is also available in Sainsbury's where it is on offer for £3.40. Compared to what you pay for Andrex I know the direction my money will be heading in future.

      Would I recommend?
      No, I'm so glad we've used these rolls up and I'm pleased that it's Andrex next to come out of the storage cupboard!

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      26.05.2013 18:37
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      A no no for all numbers 1, 2 and 3!

      This is one of those items everyone has to have in their toilet/bathroom. For me, I expect the amount we use in this house to become greater once my son switches from his toddler wipes to ' grown up' toilet tissue. So for obvious reasons, not a product I can avoid buying. This was bought from Tesco.com while doing my grocery shop for £2.50, normally £5.00 for a pack containing 9 toilet rolls.



      Why did I buy them?

      Purely because of cost. I don't think this is a brand I have used before, and because we were down to our last few rolls, I went for this because I felt the price ( while discounted ) for 9 rolls was decent and I assumed this was a good brand.



      How is it packaged?

      The 9 toilet rolls come packaged in plastic. Main colours are blue, and on the front the brand name ' Nouvelle' is right at the top with the word soft underneath. Below that is a huge picture of a daisy and next to that the statement ' it doesn't cost the earth '. In the bottom left hand corner it says product is 100% recycled.

      On the back is a picture of the earth and basically stating that this product produces less waste and very soft.

      On the side it gives company contact details and how many rolls are included and within each roll how many sheets.



      How do they perform?

      The initial look of them when first taken out of the packaging wasn't good. It immediately looked on the cheap side and didn't look soft at all, in fact quite rough. The tissue is embossed all over with leaves and some other shape, which to me seems abit pointless. All over the sheets there are very small embossed holes.

      The sheets individually felt quite rough to me, and not very soft ( in touch ). They very much reminded me of the ones you buy from a discounted store but these ones were a lot poorer in comparison. The sheet size seemed quite standard, and the tissue felt quite strong when used. I just couldn't help thinking how I wish my Cushelle tissues hadn't finished as they were much softer! They weren't uncomfortable to use, but not the same quality you would expect from brands like Andrex, or even supermarkets own branded tissues. They did the job ( wont be graphic here! ), held together fine, absorbent but texture not right for such sensitive areas.

      Abit concerned about using these tissues for its other use, which is wiping snotty noses. My daughter has one at the moment, and rather than running around to find some tissues in my bag, she normally helps herself to some in the downstairs toilet and wipes her nose. These appear to be too rough for her already delicate skin so would only use on her when slightly dampened with water I think, if I cant use anything else.



      Would I buy these again? If toilet tissues are one step away from feeling like kitchen paper towels then something isn't quite right for me! I wouldn't buy these again. Its great if they are 100% recycled, but that's no good to me if I don't like using them! Sort out the softness and the price, as there is no way I would pay £5.00 for this pack, then you would have a decent product. But this is not one for my shopping list again.

      Cheapish buy but cheap in texture.

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        17.03.2013 14:21
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        One to avoid.

        I did.

        We've all been there. Last minute calls on time which is usually spent consuming that last essential mug of caffeinated goodneess which would get the blood/caffeine levels to optimum levels. Too many things to do while out and about before fitting in the supermarket while tired, hungry and the brain cells not firing on all cyclinders.

        In my defence, I got this mixed up with Cushelle. though I should have noticed the tell tale lack of koala cuteness. It also looked great on the shelf.

        The plastic packaging looked as tough and stylish as the market leaders and was definitely as robust as the supermarket own brands. The font was pretty and the labelling emphasised 'soft', 'quilted' and 'luxury' - all of which sounded good and like my skin would approve and not be irritated by any additional additives.

        It even added the killer appeal for me - recycled. And, yes, I know that this and softness does not always mix well with 'soft' but my usual brands manage to combine these factors well enough and I get to feel good about reducing my impact on the world's trees.

        And it was on promotion at the big Sainsbury's at £1.34, which was a level of bargain I could not resist.

        So that was how a pack of four 2 ply rolls ended up in my bathroom.

        How did it perform once opened?

        It was quilted. It was also tough to tear and though that toughness kept the layers together it definitely did not add up to a 'soft' experience in use. The rolls did not seem to last well as more was required to do its job than I normally need and there was no stomach bug to increase the usage requirement.

        Emergency use on the nose was not pleasant and definitely not up to the standards of my usual brand. It also failed miserably at emergency shower overspill mopping up.

        There are times and brands where economising does not mean stepping down in quality of use and I am very grateful to all the reviews here which tell me which brands let me do this. This is not one of those occasions.

        This product wraps itself up like a premium brand.

        It performs worse than economy ones.

        Definitely one to avoid.

        Next time, I'm caffeinating and hunting out the koala.

        Or at least, my normal brand.

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          07.10.2012 01:44
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          not the best

          I am a bit pathetic when it comes to environmental matters, whilst I would love to be an eco warrior I am also extremely lazy so take the easy option when it comes to living my life. One way which seemed simple to do my bit to save the environment was using recycled bog roll; cutting trees down just so we can wipe our bums seems like such a waste so using recycled paper for toilet paper seems like a great idea.

          I bought my Nouvelle toilet rolls from the Co-Op where they are currently on half price offer at around £1.30 for 4 rolls. This makes therm slightly more expensive than other premium toilet papers but it is worth paying that little bit more for the feel good factor that being green gives you.

          The toilet roll itself is slightly grey in colour, the fact that it is not bright white does not bother me because I know that it means that they have not used lots of chemicals to make it artificially bright. It is double ply and slightly embossed. Nouvelle claim that their paper is naturally soft but I found it to be fairly rough compared to other brands. It is not like the toilet paper we had at school which was like tracing paper but definitely not the softest out there.

          In use the toilet paper is not the best, it is adequate for the job but the sheets come apart and it is definitely more like using a cheap value paper than a premium brand.

          Nouvelle get top marks for their green credentials but unfortunately their product is not as good as others out there, as much as I hate to say it I will keep on buying the environmentally unfriendly alternatives.

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          05.10.2012 11:49
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          recycled toilet tissue

          I not brand loyal as far as most products are concerned and tend to buy whichever is on offer. I don't usually shop in the Co-op, but a few days ago I was visiting a friend and had to pass a branch of the coop on m y way home. As I needed a few items I decided to stop. I always check out what's on offer in any supermarket and when I saw that Nouvelle recycled toilet rolls were offered at half price, I decided to pick up a few packs.

          I do not usually buy recycled toilet paper as I have found it is less soft than other brands and it can also look a bit on the grey side; not the most attractive look! However I was willing to try this brand given the offer price of £1.20 for 4 rolls. On opening the covering cellophane the first thing I noticed was that Nouvelle is really white! It also felt soft to the touch, although not quite as soft as Andrex. I try to buy environmentally friendly products wherever possible so was happy to read that Nouvelle is made from 100% recycled paper.

          It is a shocking fact that every person in Europe uses around 13 KG of toilet roll every year! That equates to 22 billion rolls used throughout Europe- and that's just Europe! Recycled toilet paper uses up to 70% less energy top produce and really does save trees! It is not a perfect solution however as paper can only be recycled up to 6 times before the fibres start to break down, This means virgin paper has to be added. However there are very definite environmental advantages to buying recycled paper!

          The environmental argument for changing to recycled is a strong one. But it is also important that the toilet paper delivers on quality! Nouvelle is as white as other brands I have used and I am pleased to read that no optical brighteners are used in its manufacture. The rolls are a good size with each roll containing 200 sheets of 2 ply paper. The sheets are strong too and don't tear like some cheap loo rolls can! I think that the paper is soft too, although not as soft as Andrex.

          Overall I think this is a good alternative to toilet paper that has not been produced using recycled paper. I am really pleased with my purchase and wish I have bought more at that price!

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          18.08.2012 19:10
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          .

          I remember using this Toilet Roll years ago but I tend to stick to the brand named Toilet Rolls or a Supermarket brand but when I spotted this on offer in my local branch of B&M for £1.19 for 4 Rolls. I bought a couple
          of packs as thought I would try and save a bit money.

          The pack looked the same as I remembered. Just a simple looking cellophane wrapper which is easy enough to tear open and get the Rolls out. Although I didn't have any other Rolls to compare these rolls to but I didn't think that these rolls looked quite as large as any other rolls that we have used. The rolls didn't seem quite as high or even as wide so perhaps a bit of false economy.

          Although the paper that is used in this Roll is recycled it does seem to be nice and soft. Yes it is not as soft as Andrex is is still an ok softness. The paper does seem to be thick but I found that I used a bit more sheets to compensate so again perhaps false economy and the price may work out much the same as paying for the brand name.

          An ok Toilet Roll and better than an economy roll but I will definitely stick to the other makes that I have been using over the years.

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          10.04.2012 01:23
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          A good roll that I will buy again.

          When I am looking for ways to cut back when I am shopping there are many areas where I will happily get a cheaper brand, but there are also a few when I won't. Toilet paper is one of the areas where I won't even consider using value brands and as a result, Nouvelle is one of the few brands that I will use.

          As well as being good quality, I have found out that the company are also putting some of the profits to good use and have been working in Zambia to build school toilets. This is not the only reason why I will buy it, but it does put them in a better light. They also provided free toilet rolls for the Glastonbury festival so it seems as if they are looking at something other than profit.

          I am also pleased with the fact that the rolls are made from 100% recycled paper. This did at first lead me to be worried that it was not going to be very good and I was going to have to give up on quality to be green. This however has not been the case and the paper is strong and firm, and probably most important under the circumstances, it is soft. Ever since having to use Izal at school I swore that I would never use rough toilet paper unless there was really no other option.

          The rolls come in a variety of pack sizes, 4, 16 and I have seen a site that sells them in packs of 40 but I have never seen that size in the supermarket. As well as being soft, each sheet is a good size and measures 110mm x 139mm. There seems to have been care taken with the manufacture as I have yet to buy a pack where the roll has sheets perforated at different levels. There are 225 sheets to a roll, and without going into too much detail, it is often only necessary to use a few pieces at a time.

          At the moment it seems that there is only white made, but it is a bright white and not the drab off white colour often associated with recycled products.

          Last time I purchased it I bought it I paid £1.79 for 4 rolls, but the price does vary from store to store and week to week. On a bit of a down note, I recently read an article on Ethical Consumer about how green the environmental toilet rolls really are and Nouvelle was only given a rating of 6/20 so it is not as good as I originally thought. That said I am happy with it and will carry on using it.

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          23.03.2012 09:13

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          I like the ad on the packaging Question how on earth did we get it so soft answer we stopped feeding it Viagra but it is a great product excuse the joke could not resist it

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          21.02.2012 20:42
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          Bit disappointed by the quality of these, considering the price

          During our last Tesco trip, these toilet rolls were on offer costing £2.54 for 9 rolls. Apparently a pack of 9 rolls would usually cost £5 which is quite expensive for toilet roll. The offer seemed good value for a well known brand, so we gave them a try instead of our usual supermarket value rolls.

          The Nouvelle brand places emphasis on the fact they use recycled paper to get soft toilet rolls. Although they use recycled paper, they select high quality paper. There is a rather charming account on their website about how they recycle, which gives the brand a good unique selling point. As you'd expect, the packaging is also recyclable.

          The toilet roll itself is embossed with flowers, but the flowers are spaced quite far apart so it's mostly smooth. The first thing I noticed was that I was quite disappointed with the thickness of the rolls, I thought they seemed a little on the thin side, although the paper does feel quite soft. The paper seems good quality though and the sheets don't separate or produce fluff like some toilet rolls can.

          I'm not going to witter on too much about toilet roll, as I'm not sure anyone puts that much thought into their next toilet roll purchase, but as I was a bit disappointed with the quality of this roll I wouldn't pay full price for it. It's a good buy if you see it on offer, and obviously there's the environmental benefits to buying this, but overall I wasn't particularly impressed.

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          09.02.2012 00:17
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          A great toilet tissue that does its bit in more ways than one.

          Toilet roll is something that we all use every day and for what it is it can be quite expensive so although I have ones that I prefer I am not brand loyal and tend to be price driven. Recently whilst shopping in Asda I spotted the Nouvelle soft toilet tissue on a special offer, I had used them before and been quite impressed so thought I would take advantage of the offer.

          As I stated earlier I purchased these nouvelle toilet rolls from Asda but they are widely available from most supermarkets. I paid just £1.49 for four rolls which I thought was pretty good value as they are a well-known brand.

          The toilet rolls come packaged in a thin plastic wrapper much the same as all toilet rolls do. The packet is mainly green and blue in colour and has a picture of a flower on the front. The difference with these toilet rolls to others is that they are made entirely of recycled materials and that includes the toilet tissue, the cardboard tube and the plastic wrapper. On the packet it also states the work that Nouvelle do in Zambia to sponsor a toilet block in a school to improve hygiene and comfort for generations of school children. This made me feel quite good about choosing to purchase these as I felt that a little of my money had gone to a very good cause.

          The toilet tissue itself is white in colour and comes wrapped around the standard cardboard tube that allows you to place your toilet roll on a holder in your bathroom for it to be easily used. The tissue is two ply and has a slightly textured feel to it with imprints of flowers scattered on the sheets. To say the toilet tissue is 100% recycled it is surprisingly soft to touch. I will not say that it is the softest but is by no way the roughest I have used. The toilet tissue is really easy to tear off as each sheet is joined the next by perforations that allow you to easily tear them off. As far as the performance goes, I will not go into detail other than to say that it works as it should and is soft and gentle. I have also used this toilet to wipe away excess make up and to mop up spilt hand wash and it has held together and handled any job it was given!

          Overall I have been very impressed with this toilet tissue it is good quality, good value and is made by a company that has great morals.

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            04.12.2011 12:30

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            An okay brand but not my favourite

            We have used Nouvelle Recycled Toilet Tissue in our house for quite a while now. My other half likes to buy things that can be recycled so that is why she was drawn to this. We buy ours from Sainsbury's.

            They come in a pack of four, wrapped in cellophane paper with quite a nice picture of a daisy type flower on the front. Inside there are four rolls of toilet paper which is slightly off white in colour (at least ours always are). The rolls are two ply and nice and soft on the bottom. We also use these for blowing our noses whenever we run out of paper tissues. I think you can buy these in larger packs also but personally we always get the four pack.

            Each roll has 207 sheets but the downside to these toilet rolls Iin my view, has to be the fact that the perforations are always rubbish. I used to think we were just unlucky and buying a bad batch. However, the perforation problem has proved to be consistent. There's nothing worse than not being able to snap off the toilet paper properly, especially when you are in a hurry!

            They are 100% recyclable so the other half is pleased with this idea but personally I prefer a softer roll, not to mention a whiter roll as I find the insipid colour of these a little bit off putting if I am honest.
            They cost around £2.00 for the four rolls, so not overly expensive, a good product but not great.

            They are reasonably soft but not so kind on the bum as some of the more expensive toilet rolls I have used and although we do use them for blowing noses occasionally, again I personally feel they can be a little bit rough around the nostrils.

            Review also posted on Ciao as sorehead.

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            03.12.2011 18:44
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            It's okay....but you compromise on softness.

            I have to say that I don't actually give a lot of thought to toilet paper.....quite frankly, life's too short! But having said that, toilet paper is one of those facts of life that we do have to be concerned with because we use it every day. I am not loyal to any one toilet paper brand, but the toilet paper we are using at the moment is Nouvelle 100% Recycled Quilted Luxury White Toilet Tissue. I bought a packet of 9 toilet rolls from Sainsbury for £3.51 - which equates to 39p per roll......which seems about an average price for a roll of quilted toilet paper.

            The roll is pretty thick and tightly packed and so you get a decent amount of sheets on each roll.....unlike some of the value rolls where they are so loosely packed that it's a little bit of a false economy. While I don't spend a great deal of time contemplating about the effectiveness of the toilet paper.....after all wiping my bum with toilet paper feels pretty standard and unless it is that awful shiny paper, then one roll of toilet paper seems pretty much the same as the next. However, where I think this toilet paper lets itself down is despite declaring itself to be "soft" I definitely don't think it is soft and it's actually a little scratchy on my peach like derriere! It does work well though, and I'm not sure whether its willing to compromise a little on the softness because of the fact that this is 100% recycled paper and therefore obviously buying it means I'm doing a little bit for the environment.

            Overall, this paper is okay - but I do think they should take the "soft" bit off of the packet because, quite simply, it's not!

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              13.08.2011 12:29
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              A great toilet roll that helps the environment.

              I hate spending money on something that is ultimately being literally flushed down the loo. However it is a necessity and for that reason I buy whatever toilet paper I can find on offer. I have used the most basic brands and found that they are not only uncomfortable but not very economical either. As I am currently doing a social sciences course as part of my degree and I have been more aware about recycling and how it affects the world more recently. On investigation I found that using recycled toilet paper has the HUGE potential to save a lot of tree's and for that reason I was more than happy to purchase this particular brand. As much as the recycled element is important so is the price and comfort level.

              I first spotted this in my local Co-Op when it was on offer for silly money. I can't remember how much it was exactly at the time but it usually retails for around £2.20 for 4 rolls. These are 2 ply with an average of 225 sheets per roll and quilted, it's a good deal if it can be bought half price working out at just 28p per roll. For helping the environment I think this is a great cost.

              The packaging is similar to that of most brands being polythene. The logo is simple and almost cheap looking I personally feel. It's not the cheapest in the world and so to have a logo that is blocky and navy blue I can't say it's overly appealing. The rolls themselves are a sort of off white colour, not as bright white as what brands such as Andrew or Velvet are. Perhaps it would have been better if there was a colour to it but then again it keeps it more natural this way. I admit I did not get out the measuring tape to find out the size per sheet but with my technical eye (well you know as far as toilet paper goes) I would say it is just your average size. Not too big yet not too small either. Between each square is a perforated line that makes it incredibly easy to tear off the roll. I haven't found any problems with the sheets themselves tearing as can sometimes happen with cheaper or thinner brands.

              The paper itself is incredibly soft. I have to admit I was not expecting it to feel of such premium quality or similar to the likes of Andrex but it really is fantastically gentle on area's that let's be honest are delicate and need care. It does not feel at all like recycled paper. Other brands that have an element of re-using I have found to be harsh and quite rubbish but this is not at all.

              I really like this paper and it looks nice enough in the bathroom. In addition it is good for our planet which is yet another added bonus. If bought on offer this is definately my first choice, unfortunately at full cost it is not what I would buy simply because majority of premium brands can be bought for less than this. I would however recommend it, even if it isn't as white as I would like it and the logo is not the best in the world.

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              25.07.2011 11:13
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              Worth a try

              Quilted toilet paper is very fashionable at the minute and we all want to feel luxurious by using the best quality paper. I was entrigued by the Nouvelle quilted range and when I saw it on offer for less than half price, I thought I would definitely give it a whirl.
              A good toilet paper is a necessity in a home. However there needs to be a balance between comfort and price. Why spend lots of money on something you are going to throw away? Nevertheless it is important to find a paper that is not too rough on our delicate behinds.
              Another point to consider, especially in the present climate; is the environment.

              *Recycling... is it really cheaper?*
              Does recycled paper save trees? Yes - and given that each European uses 13kg of toilet tissue per year, equivalent to around 22 billion rolls Europe-wide, recycled toilet tissue has the potential to save a lot of trees. Does it reduce energy consumption? Yes. Producing recycled paper involves between 28 to 70 per cent less energy consumption than making virgin paper, and uses less water. For every tonne of paper used for recycling, the savings are at least 30,000 litres of water, 3,000 to 4,000 kWh electricity (enough for an average three-bedroom house for one year) and up to 95 per cent of air pollutants.

              *Price and availability*
              Nouvelle toilet roll quilted costs £2.19 for four rolls at are 2 ply and with 225 sheets per average roll. They are available at most supermarkets and come in a variety of pack sizes.
              Sainsbury's currently have the rolls on offer for 87p!

              *Description*
              The packet of rolls is blue and is made from polythene. The toilet paper is quite white to say is comes from recycled materials but it is not as white as regular premium brand toilet roll that is bleached.
              The paper in the sheets is average sized with easy to tear indentations, making it easy to tear off a sheet when you really need one!
              The paper is so much softer than I expected! It is very soft compared to the other nouvelle toilet roll. It does not feel like recycled paper and feels thick and luxurious.

              *My experience*
              I was rather disappointed to find out recently that paper can only be recycled up to 6 times so although using recycled paper is better for the environment; it is not as good as I thought it was as some virgin pulp still has to be used. To counter act this, I only ever pull off what I think I will use, rather than grabbing a handful.
              I do quite like this paper though, the offer at Sainsbury's makes the paper really good value for money!
              The paper is softer than I expected for recycled paper and when you rub it between your fingers it feels glossy and very similar to other "quilted" products. It is very soft on the skin.
              It is rather absorbent which is good, as it means you need fewer sheets. It also doesn't rip or tear too easily. I have experienced this problem with other brands and it is not fun to have toilet paper rip while you are trying to use it! The fibres are knitted together in a special way to negate this problem from occurring.
              As said in the description, the colour of the paper is an off white. This is not a problem but it does give the paper that cheap look and I don't want my guests thinking I am skimping and buying cheap toilet roll! I think the shade is just a by product of being recycled and something I can cope with.

              *Overall*
              I really like this paper and think it is really good value for money. The paper is really thick and of excellent quality.

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              19.04.2011 23:47
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              Derrières will prefer the non recyclable

              Nouvelle Soft Recycled Toilet Roll

              There is nothing like adding a bit of French wordage to cleaning products, when the bowels move. A bulging rectum tsunami of tubular gas and feces bubbling and expanding via peristalsis towards the anus; creeping up to show its ugly turtle-head; hence, the repulsive subject matter, you can see why products that are best not described needs some floral French language - 'Nouvelle' - translated to new in English. 'Nouvelle' sprouted from a French term for cooking in the 1740s, courtesy of Vincent La Chapelle and fellow monsieur's. Grammatically the wording of 'nouvelle' on recycled toilet paper is about as wrong as saying 'SlimFast *Extra* Full Fat Black Forrest Gateaux.' Only marketers would pounce on that bit of contradiction; naturally, talking out of their derrieres, expecting the docile consumer not to question their magic mushroom logic, but needs must and we need to wipe our bums most days, so why not call it good old fashioned 'bog roll' no frills spared; this is the age of austerity mind. With libraries closing due to the anal cut-backs - where else are we to 'chew the fat' without disturbances, maybe read or work effectively for 1/2 hour? The answer is 'on the bog'. Killing two birds with one stone; two useful activities man can multi-task at.

              Impending Bog Warning

              I'm not one to ponder toilet roll paraphernalia or purse my lips whilst scratching my head about what type of toilet roll my bum would want. Softness, quilted design, or a floral pattern is not a sales hook for me ' feces absorbance's' boasting 'one wipe' would be more inviting. Considering I don't make the choice of what toilet roll to get, blame 'her with the rollers in;' who is obsessed with softness, even if it isn't. Nouvelle isn't.

              When my defecation manifests itself usually in a daily gas bubble, inevitably it is a warning sign within ten minutes that feces will pass my anus, into the fragranced porcelain toilet bowl. I daren't look as a rule; I gauge on the fizzy plop sound or the volume of ejected splash that hits my derriere cheeks or crack, whether the descended stool is the norm. I rarely look at the excrement smeared toilet paper after a robust wipe and make notes on how well the perforated toilet sheet performed. The bile and bilirubin determine the pronounced brown feces - apparently, this is normal - not that I've knocked on cubical doors in lavatories asking: "Is your feces a mid to dark brown sir?" - "I'm asking this for research purposes."

              On Bog

              Having a quaking crap is the equivalent of having a one eighth of an orgasm, experts proclaim; they obviously don't have a set of 12 rolls of recycled coarseness sitting next to them. Quickly the relief of empting the bowel intensity is doused down somewhat whilst wiped with recycled toilet paper; sadly, my turd had wiped its feet. They always seem to wipe its feet more-so when you're on limited time. Why? It's as if the anus wants to get cleansed for longer, when you should've been out of the door five minutes ago; how come this entity is part of me? When it happens, mainstream toilet paper wins hands-down; then you can make comparables between recycled bog papers to the more delicate sensual mainstream brands, if speed is the essence. Tesco's own brand caters for the derriere better than grained fibred recycled bog roll that disintegrates at the thought of collecting my excrement residue. Because of its pathetic cowardice, on my next attempt at anal wiping - I trebled up the bog paper and folded it up thrice to get the job done. Due to its obvious frailties there are bigger chances that on a deeper anal wipe, paper fibres will abscond from their duties - fleeing off screaming like a banshee. Failing miserably, simulating a double dunked 'Rich Tea' biscuit - morphed into a sea-bed of brown gunk at the bottom of the mug. Usually the fingers get in contact with the anus coulis; this occurrence results in stained fingers, if asked I say its nicotine staining even though I don't smoke. Or you could say you're a vet, excrement is part of the acceptable parcel.

              Bog Off

              Notable it doesn't absorb as if should do, the smear sits on top of the paper all proud. Not a good thing. Softness compared to school toilet paper in the early 1980s - it certainly is an improvement; However, when my derriere sees the light of day which isn't that often; at least it deserves some kind of luxury if contact is required - preferably absorbent and soft and definitely not recycled regardless what the eco-warriors will do to me.©1st2thebar 2011

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