Crap paper (Nouvelle Soft Recycled Toilet Roll)

Member Name: iamasadlittleboy

Product:	Nouvelle Soft Recycled Toilet Roll
Date:	17/08/09 (39 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It's cheaper...I hope

Disadvantages: Hurts, feels like it could fall apart

"Guess where I've just been?"
"The toilet?"
"Oh what a good guess"

Whilst on the toilet I was making best use of my laptop, after all what is a laptop for if not to mess about online whilst emptying your bowls in to the porcelain pulpit of poo. Whilst there letting loose I noticed the toilet paper we have, curiosity over came me and I thought lets do a review of the white stuff that will soon turn brown. Lets make the most of this opportunity that comes around only a couple of times a day and see if this stuff not really wipes, but let everyone else know the same thing.

Warning, this review may contain traces of fecal matter, toilet humour and all round offensiveness, if you are offended by reading about poo, please stop reading now...though actually quite why you ever clicked on here in the first place would be a mystery.

Toilet paper as we all know now a days comes in many forms and formats, from the soft to the quilted, double quilted, scented, cheap to the expensive, the recycled to the erm...reused? (probably, we all know that someone is stupid enough to buy it). We I have here is the Soft Nouvelle Recycled toilet paper, that must have been considerably cheaper than the rest of the options available to my mother as she bought a pack with 12 rolls in. As my mother is quite miserly at times, and with toilet paper just ending up covered in human made chocolate mouse, it may be fair to assume she's bought some crap paper here (excuse the pun).

The first thing we shall look at is the paper as a whole, pre-usage, each sheet is two sheets thick, with no smell, no quilted feeling, just bog standard (yes yes I know, the last one was better) tissue paper. It looks and feels quite cheap and was alarmingly each to rip in my hands as an experiment, I'm now however concerned...it may be just that easy to rip during use...an accident no one wants to happen to them. I'd never thought much about it until now, but if the paper goes wrong you could have a host of problems:
1-Poo hands-This problem arises when your hand breaks through the paper results in hand to poo contact between the cheeks. The leads to a smelly brown hand that despite multiple washes never seems to go away.
2-Paper Cracks-This problem arises when the paper seems to disintegrate between the cheeks and stays attached to the walls of the back door. This isn't just uncomfortable but wrong on so many levels and quite disgusting.
3-Wet ones-We've all had them before, usually after a night on the curry, where the remnants have seemingly become liquefied and as a result makes the wiping process messy and annoying. The solution to this is often to eat more fibre.
4-None left-The nightmare situation, you've just let your body do it's thing, naturally assuming they'd be the materials to finish the job only to find out the last crapper used it all and worst of all they were taking the piss and not telling you that you had none left. The solution to this is to kick your house mate out!

So anyway I think I'm now officially ready for the test of white, I mean might...or do I mean shi... Oddly I'm on MSN and someone's just asked if I was naked, I said worse than that. I feel like telling them I'm having a steam pile of doodoo...

Argh it hurts, it feels like sand paper, is this haemorrhoids or the problem of using cheap paper? I dare not look to see if it's left brown marks or red ones, crap ones or bloody ones (that'd be one crappy bloody paper). The claim of it being soft seems rather far fetched when it hurts as if someone is trying to wipe my precious exit hole with newspaper. Where are the Indians are their crazy method of using shells? I want to try that or a DJ...sorry Bidet.

Overall a crap paper for a crap job.

Summary: I will never look at paper quite like that again