It's a Dooyoo Pantomime Starring Alkaliguru and a Cast of Thousands (dooyoo.co.uk in general)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	dooyoo.co.uk in general
Date:	23/03/02 (111 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: See op

Disadvantages: No guest book

Oh well, who wants another crown anyway? This is just an outrageous excuse for me to write another...erm..."funny story". As you may have guessed by now, I love telling stories. However, in order to justify this one I’ll make a few observations about Dooyoo first, before I launch into my latest ripping yarn.

So, 3 months on and what do I think?

 The opinions on the site are, generally, of a high standard. I mean, I’d never heard of penis puppetry or even knew much about slimming clubs until I encountered Dooyoo. The quality of writing is such that most writers’ work is a pleasure to read. OK, you get the odd ropey one but then not everyone writes well straight away.
 Most of the writers are really nice people. I even exchange e-mail with one or two and it’s always a delight. I won’t name ‘em here for fear of embarrassing them but you know who you are.
 The Community Guides do a great job! Buckets at the ready, I know but bearing in mind they get naff all for their time then the proliference of crowns at £1.50 is scant reward for their efforts. Besides, everyone of ‘em I’ve encountered has been brill and it makes me sad when superb writers and smashing people like KenJohn & King Herrod feel that they can’t carry on.
 Even the top guys and gals talk to you. I’ve had some nice exchanges with the lovely Simone. I mean, how many companies can you actually get to speak to the Head Hombre? I can’t recall being stuck in a cyber-lift before with a boss lady but suffice to say it was a pleasure.
 The sense of community is great. I don’t know much about Op.com but the threads on the ops are inevitably humorous and well meaning and invariably bring a smile to my face.
 Crowns...hmmm...enough has been said already about this one. All I would say is that consider why you are writing in the first place. There are a
ll sorts of reasons like companionship via feedback, pride or just pure pleasure.
 Suggested improvements? Well it’s the old chestnut of guestbooks but until then let's just carry on.


Anyway, enough of all this and on with the show….

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if all the good people of Dooyoo got together for a few hours? Well, allow me some artistic license but maybe it would be like this?

Keith had sometimes been considered acerbic but he often felt that this was unfair. Leadership carried with it a responsibility to be forthright and outspoken. He pondered the mission handed to him by the big chief herself – Simone Berry.

For this time of the evening, the vista looked inviting. Spring was in the air with daffodils proudly on show, chests jutting out. Alkaliguru (Keith) looked for a literary context to describe both what he was seeing and feeling. He couldn't think of anything but ice cream recipes and decided to move on to matters in hand. On the way past the park he noticed a baby in a pram and thought that it reminded him of one of the writers. When was he gonna update his profile with a true likeness?

The Dooyoo Grand Hall was an imposing place. Vast colonnades of ornate brickwork housed a much-heralded venue not unlike that featured in the Harry Potter books. Alkaliguru made for the head of a long table, which took centre stage in the middle of the room. The hall was full of the sound of chatter as the participants exchanged pleasantries.

The hall screamed history with dust filling the nooks and crannies of age-old architecture. The atmosphere was charged with a brooding that came from the presence of incandescent magic.

Keith panned down the table trying to take it all in. There were a lot of people here today reflecting the seriousness of the subject matter to be discussed.

At the bottom of the table was a strange looking t
rio. A young man was reading a book whilst a Giraffe and a Hippo flanked him on either side. The Giraffe appeared to be nibbling at the edge of the pages distracting it's owner who was desperately trying to take in the contents. Meanwhile, the hippo looked around nervously unsure of so many bodies in one place.

To their left were two ladies chuntering away to each other. Both had arms full of crowns and appeared to be counting each other's collections. Keith could just make out some talk of smoked salmon and what Conor had been up to today as the ladies maintained their repartee.

Smiling away on the opposite table was a young man with a Thunder CD in his hand. He appeared to be trying to convince a rather recalcitrant lady who passed herself of as an Elf or some such fairy but she wasn't for the convincing. All she could focus on was how wonderful the hall was and how really somebody should write a review about it.

Moving further down, a young girl looked around shiftily, her hands underneath the table hiding some devious activity. Keith could just make out a slight chewing motion and guessed that she was eating chocolate. Trying to engage her in conversation were 3 ladies all of differing personalities. The first was a converted Southerner who, only today, had changed her hair colour again. The second was a former punk (he knew that as she had a Damned lapel badge on her jacket) whilst the third was without her model friend who always insisted that they visit a night-club in London (he knew this because he'd tracked them many times but simply didn't have the nerve to ask either out).

Heading towards the nearest part of the table, he noticed a lady with tattoos down her forearm. He'd heard a rumour that one of the members had tattoos in the oddest places but decided that now wasn't the time to put it to the test.

He called the meeting to order with a hearty bang on the table. "I take it ev
eryone knows why we are here today?" he demanded.

He was met by vacant stares, as the congregation clearly didn't know why they were there after all. Keith composed himself as he worked his PowerPoint magic.

"Well, the big boss (Simone) wants us to improve the quality of our output. She's not happy with things at the moment and is worried that Ciao are catching up. So what are we going to do?" Again, blank stares cascaded down the length of the table as Alkaliguru sensed some frustration creep into his manner.

"OK, here's the agenda." And up blinked the first image. "Step1: Malu is hear to give everyone a grounding in correct grammar. I know a few of you have been through the Malu test of perfect diction & scribing but of the 200 that have taken it only King Herrod, Jill Murphy and Sue Magee have passed." ("Are you all imbeciles?" he wanted to ask but refrained for the moment). Malu shifted nervously from foot to foot at the thought of addressing the throng her Prussian confidence ebbing away into an English uncertainty.

"Step 2: No more lovey dovey couples allowed on the site. I have put Charliechuckle in charge of eradicating any known couples using those methods employed in the movie Reservoir Dogs i.e. torture and made to watch West Ham for 30 minutes during which the ensuing boredom will eventually subdue the watcher (dreamt up rather viciously by gothiron). Known targets are Andrewsjk & Harmonyk, Binnie & Velo, The Aspinalls and anybody else you can flag up now." A concerned hush shrouded the table like a cloak descending on a layer of mist. The participants looked at each other wondering what else was to come.

"I'll let you think about that one for now and you can come back to me with any more names. The final step in a very simple plan is the boldest. On Monday at 12pm precisely we are gonna hit Ciao. It needs to be a rapier like strike so
that we are in and out before anyone notices. I've been talking to some folks involved with the Afghan conflict and they've given me some pointers as to how to go about it. The hit squad and this information are extremely sensitive and mustn't leave this room, will be made up as follows: Mad Sue26; Combative KittyKat18; wily Arte1954 and the brains of the operation – Kevin the Crispy. All have seen active duty recently in the Shetlands conflict of 1998. Of course, if any of this information is leaked then the person responsible will be locked in a chat room with Shazzy without any form of sound protection for a minimum of 2 hours."

At that the flock shuddered almost as though an electric shock had been imparted with an invisible prod.

Keith surveyed the scene and simply wasn't impressed by the folks in front of him. How he longed for another existence where men were men and women said "yes" every time.

At that juncture, in marched a rather grandiose figure carrying a witch’s hat. Keith looked on as Arte1954 took charge.

"I suppose you are wondering why I’m here?" he bellowed and at that lay the hat at the head of the table. As if from a fairy tale (or recent film featuring a boy magician) the hat formed into a face and declared "I’m here to announce the result of the Miss Dooyoo competition as inspired by Charliechuckle."

A hush of anticipation went round the table and even the young man with his portable jungle looked up.

The result was never announced as just then a commotion could be heard and a huge 3-tier cake approached from behind. A man in a brown overall stopped in front of Keith and demanded a signature. "What's this then?" Alkaliguru enquired. "Dunno." The man replied. "Just need a signature, that's all." Keith signed the docket with a dismissive sweep and bid the man leave at once. On the
cake was a note, which he tore off and read. On it was the message "Dear Keith, a gift for all of my hard working Dooyoo friends, love John & Simone".

Motion from the cake rocked the room; the tremors unexpected as pieces of cake flew out in all direction. Emerging like a spume of lava from an erupting volcano was a hideous looking Charliechuckle toting a machine gun. Even since being forced to measure a birdcage to win a crown he had vowed vengeance on the Dooyoo clan and that time was nigh.

The attendees looked on in terror, their dimly lit lives about to blink out into oblivion. Charlie savoured the moment, drawing on the terror like a much-needed cigarette after a 3-year wait. He raised the weapon and pointed it at Alkaliguru. After all, why not shoot the leader and work your way around the table? The Giraffe and hippo bolted and Charlie knew it was now or never. He squeezed the trigger and the congregation inhaled as one expecting it to be their last.

In true comic style out popped a white flag with "suckers" written on it.

Auditions for my next play are at the Mansion du Murphy, next Saturday at 8pm sharp. If anyone is interested please attend and come armed with £50 cash being the audition fee (he he)

Thanks for reading?

Marandina

*The Shetlands Conflict involved a 70-year-old man unilaterally annexing an uninhabited island of the Scottish coast. He set up a cafe for any sailors that might visit but the Scottish Parliament ordered the crack unit above to take him out. After 6 weeks of fighting he was eventually subdued and returned to SunnyVale nursing home for the blind and infirm.

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