Football - a bluffers guide (footballforecast.s5.com)

Member Name: gillyman

Product:	footballforecast.s5.com
Date:	18/08/03 (168 review reads)
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Advantages: Join in a conversation that you really know nothing about!

Disadvantages: Best to get to know the beautiful game firsthand

Quite an odd thing happened yesterday night. I called my Mum in a filthy mood after having watched Liverpool lose to Chelsea (yes I know that's not surprising - we're coming to that!) and instead of commiserating, she told me that she wasn't surprised after Chelsea had spent so much money this summer. Now that might not seem odd to you but my Mum really doesn't know very much about football.

Something interesting struck me as a result - football is a very integral part of society - wherever you are, be it the workplace, the pub, or just with mates, it is likely to come up in conversation and will often dominate it. This phenomenon, once perhaps arguably the reserve of the working class has been placed squarely in the limelight by the ongoing gentrification of the game - usually traced back to the publishing of Nick Hornby's Fever Pitch and England's 1990 World Cup run, personified by the image of Gazza in tears.

A large percentage of the population finds itself excluded from the discourse however. In particular, the fairer sex, for whom the beautiful game is generally still not on the agenda, find themselves out in the cold. Maybe this doesn't seem important but the shared bond that can be easily forged with a fellow supporter can be very important in social, business and romantic spheres. The camaraderie of the terraces is a cliché based in truth and many is the connection which has been forged between junior staff members and the management due to a shared support of one team or another.

This therefore is a bullshitters crib sheet to help those of you who know nothing about football to always have something to contribute to the conversation without looking like a complete moron.

*****The season*****

You surely can't have missed the fact that the season has started - if you have then don't bother reading further - rate the op and go on your way! The football season is made up of a nu
mber of different elements - in brief, you need to know the following:

The League - The Premier League is made up of 20 teams, each of which play every other team at home and away with 3 points for a win and 1 for a draw. This is the premier domestic competition - the one that everyone wants.

The Champions League - the biggest and most prestigious of European competitions - the 4 top teams from the league in the previous season have the chance to compete against Europe's top clubs. It?s worth a lot of money!

The UEFA Cup - a less prestigious European competition. Places are awarded to lower placed teams, winners of cup competitions and for fair play.

The FA Cup - the premier domestic cup and oldest cup competition in the world. A straight knock out which includes all the league teams and many non-league teams. The final is held in May at the Milennium Stadium (whilst Wembley is rebuilt).

The Worthington Cup - a secondary cup (referred to as "the Worthless Cup" by supporters of all teams other than the current holders) - less important domestic trophy though it still qualifies the winners for a place in the UEFA Cup.

What I?m going to do then is to give you a little info on the important teams, some accepted wisdoms and something to say in conversation which won?t make you look a prat. This is a starting off point ? tune in to The Premiership and read the back pages to give yourself a little bit more to play with!

A note about players - its perfectly acceptable to call players by their surnames - a nick name is even better but sometimes it sounds like you're trying to hard if you trot out a list along the lines of "Giggsy, Scholesy, Van Nistelrooy-ey" so go easy!

+++++Manchester United - League Champions+++++

Manchester United have been consistently the best team in England over the last decade (and I?m exceedingly pissed off about it!) Over the summer pretty
boy David Beckham left them fro Real Madrid. United?s major signings were Ronaldo (he has a more famous namesake) and Eric Djemba Djemba both of whom have looked impressive so far ? if you make a comment along these lines and add the words ?might be in the starting line up soon?, no-one is likely to argue very much!

Key players: Forwards Ruud Van Nistelrooy (scores lots), Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs. Ageing midfield hard man Roy Keane.

Say:
"Ronaldo looks like a real bargain"
"Neville is not even the best defender in his family" - (United have two brothers, Gary and Phil Neville playing for them - you can use this phrase about either of them and generally raise a laugh)

Commonly accepted wisdoms:
United fans come from everywhere except Manchester.
The referee is effectively a 12th player for United - particularly when playing at Old Trafford

Prediction for the season:
United will be up their challenging for the title. They have a strong squad to which they have added several decent players (see above). Never rule them out.
United also play in Europe - a good cliche like "on their day they are as good as any team in the world" is always a good standby.

+++++Arsenal - League Runners up - FA Cup holders+++++

Arsenal have been challenging Manchester United for the right to proclaim themselves ?best side in England? for the last 5 years. Last year having imploded towards the end of the season and handed the title to United, manager Arsene Wenger insisted that they were still the best.
A strong French influence permeates the side: manager Arsene Wenger, Key players, Strikers Thierry Henry, Sylvain Wiltord and Robert Pires, midfield anchor Patrick Viera and several other lesser squad members are all French or French speaking - jingoistic comments are completely acceptable. Main signing this summer is goalkeeper Jens Lehman. Not in the best position financially
as they are putting a lot of money into a new stadium. Renowned for having players sent off ? 51 during Wenger?s tenure.

Say:
?If they can play consistently like they did at the start of last season they should walk away with it".

Commonly accepted wisdom:
Used to be known for their boring football - this has changed completely under the "Gallic influence" of manager Wenger.

Prediction for the season
Arsenal will be up their challenging for the title. They have a strong squad so never rule them out. Arsenal have disappointed in Europe in the past - "this may be their season!"

+++++Newcastle - third place last season+++++

Newcastle were going through a rough time until local boy and former England manager Sir Bobby Robson took over. An exciting mix of youth and age. Main signing this summer was bad boy Lee Bowyer.

Key players: Veteran striker Alan Shearer, striker Craig Bellamy, midfielders Kieron Dyer, Lauren Robert (French so pronounced accordingly!), and Nol Solano. Youngster Jermaine Jenas.

Say:
"Shearer just gets better with age"

Commonly accepted wisdom:
Newcastle has the best home support in the premiership - "the Toon army"

Prediction for the season:
Will chase Manchester United and Arsenal all the way - certainly good for a top five placing again.

+++++Chelsea - fourth place last year+++++

Chelsea have a new owner - Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich who has put a huge amount of money into the club. They have spent 75 million pounds in the transfer market this summer purchasing anything that moves. Due to the fact that their new owner is Russian, they have been nicknamed Chelski. Resist the temptation or use it in an ironic fashion which says "I thought of it first but now everyone is doing it (including newscasters) its not very cool?. In the past Chelsea have spent a lot of money and
disappointed.

Key players: Midfielders Juan Sebastian Veron and Frank Lampard. Always make sure to mention defender John Terry who is both superb and home grown ? a comment along the lines that having spent all that money their best player was free will earn you kudos.

Say:
?They?re trying to buy the Premiership?
?After spending all that money they?ll expect quick results.

Commonly accepted wisdoms
Have gone all out to buy success ? how well they will play remains the question

Prediction for the season
Will push the top two clubs but won?t take the Championship this season ? next season will be the real test.

+++++Liverpool ? fifth place last year, Worthington Cup Champs+++++

Liverpool are still historically the most successful club in England. At their peak they were arguably the best club side to have graced the game anywhere. The nineties was a tough decades and the new millennia has not improved matters although a certain success in cup competitions has been enjoyed. Generally derided as playing boring, one dimensional football. Main signing of the summer is Harry Kewell ? if you claim him to have been the best buy of the off season you are on safe ground.

Key players: Striker Michael Owen, midfielders Steven Gerrard and Harry Kewell.

Say:
Anything that involves the words ?boring? or ?disappointing?
?Why do they keep playing Heskey?? (Emile Heskey is a bit of a mystery ? a blind donkey would be more effective in front of goal but his name is always first on the team sheet ? reputed to be the only player in the Premiership who Chelsea didn?t try to buy).

Commonly accepted wisdoms:
The glory days are long gone.
Boring football

Prediction for the season:
Top 5 but probably no better than 3rd if they really pull their fingers out.

Okay ? those are the teams that you really need to know about now a few words each for those that will
fight it out for the other places with the vague hope that a UEFA Cup place might be the result of their labours.

Aston Villa ? I always expect more of Villa than they actually provide ? can?t see them having a particularly good season.

Birmingham City ? did well to consolidate last season. Have added some decent players to the squad and will push for a position in the middle of the table.

Blackburn ? although they have lost a couple of excellent players, Blackburn look like a good bet this season for the upper reaches of the table, playing an excellent attacking football ? will cause the top teams trouble without actually mounting a sustained challenge for the title.

Bolton ? despite a wretched opening day against Manchester United, Bolton have proved difficult to beat in previous seasons. Will finish mid table.

Charlton ? a good solid team. Manager Alan Curbishley has done an excellent job to keep them solidly in the middle of the Premiership which is where they always end up despite looking a good bet for relegation each season.

Everton ? also live in the shadow of bigger neighbours (Liverpool). Had a good run last season but have not added to a squad that includes England wunderkind Wayne Rooney.

Fulham ? have done well since earning promotion and will continue to figure somewhere in the centre of the table.

Leeds United ? looked like they were going places until bad planning put a spanner in the works and most of the best players departed. Had a disastrous season last year ? will want to rebuild.

Leicester ? have come back up into the premiership and will go straight back down.

Manchester City ? live in the shadow of their more illustrious neighbours. Play exciting football under manager Kevin Keegan. Will play some of the most glorious football in the Premiership. And some of the worst ? often in the same game.

Middlesborough ? middle of the table would be a fai
r finish ? I have my fears that they will be battling relegation.

Portsmouth ? I have a good feeling about the third newcomer. Portsmouth have made some intelligent purchases including old warhorse Teddy Sheringham ? could do okay.

Southampton ? had a pretty good season last year. Already boast one of the leagues most prolific scorers in James Beattie. Securing the services of a strike partner of the quality of Kevin Phillips has been a real coup ? could be an interesting season for the Saints.

Tottenham ? the days when Spurs could claim to be a big club are long gone. Have added more injury prone players to a squad already full of them. They hate Arsenal ? Arsenal pities them in return. Their year to go down?

Wolves ? Premiership new boys who will last exactly one season in the top flight.

So there you go ? your cut out and keep guide to a few pointers in the right direction. This is the basic material to help you hold your own in any conversation. If you find that your boss or boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter!) cheers a different team then a little bit of discreet research is highly recommended.

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