Guestbooks from Hell (hotshotsdesigns.co.uk/tooyoo/)

Member Name: Pjenkins

Product:	hotshotsdesigns.co.uk/tooyoo/
Date:	29/04/02 (86 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Smiley faces

Disadvantages: Llama torture

There has been much excitement, and in some cases, complete hysteria lately about the emergence of a site written to encompass the Dooyoo community and enhance the existence it’s members. Many op’s have appeared on Dooyoo stating that the site is ‘revolutionary’ others claiming it has ‘changed their lives’. What is it that has caused this revolution? Who is responsible? And is all as it seems beneath the surface of this bright and colorful site?

The sites premise revolves around a simple idea. Members sign up to the page with their dooyoo username and are immediately given a guestbook, whereby other members can leave them messages of goodwill, funny anecdotes, compliments about their dooyoo ops. Once inside, members can choose their own colour scheme and leave messages for any other member, or to the whole community on the general message page. People chat, laugh and generally exchange chit chat twenty four seven.

This all seems very innocent, and to those who come and go from the site, one might not even notice the sordid underworld, which runs as an undercurrent throughout the very veins of the site. Unsuspecting victims are caught within a web if deception, spun from the loins of the devil himself. To the untrained eye, it is a bit of harmless fun. To the undercover agent it is the premise for a new ITV series.

“DOYOO SPIN-OFF’S – FROM HELL”

Disclaimer - Some readers may find the following descriptions disturbing. Pjenkins productions cannot accept any responsibility or liability for portrayals of any persons, animals or household objects. These portrayals, although not untrue, may contain partial untruths, in some cases up to 100% untrue. Any similarities to any beings, living or dead that may be apparent are sort of coincidental and may or may not have happened accidentally on purpose.

THE SITE
I first entered the other realm in April 2002, after re
ading an op on that holiest of websites, Dooyoo. I was told by one member called angusreid, who I shall refer to as Bob, so as to protect his anonymity, that Tooyoo was, as quoted above ‘great’ and a ‘revolution’. He also explained that the site was an idea of a Dooyoo-er turned rogue trader, ‘Ilovejackdaniels’. With trepidation, I looked into the history of this ‘genius’.

The aforementioned ‘genius’ has a shady past. It seems that during his recent jail term (see disclaimer), this well known crimelord ‘turned the corner’ and decided to go straight, leaving the world of international llama trafficking behind him. He wrote opinions on regular things, the same as any regular Joe. (Legal note -Regular Joe is a fictional name and should not be confused with irregular Joe, who is currently serving a three year sentence for assaulting domestic hamsters in Chelmsford Prison.)

Our friend JD became a reformed man because of Dooyoo, but was quickly sucked back into the fold by everybody’s friend, who we shall refer to as ‘lennylaughter’ as naming and shaming ‘Charliechuckle’ isn’t allowed.

Reports from sources which cannot be named say that these two llama legends did kidnap a llama within three weeks of JD’s release from Prison. When questioned about this on dooyoo, ‘lennylaughter’ openly admitted the torturing (he stuck a mobile phone in the animals ear), sexual assault (see Charlie’s, sorry, Lenny’s Top Ten Movies) and then murder of the animal, which he then offered a recipe for on this very site.

Fearing that his partner in crime was blowing the whole gaff, JD tried to cover his tracks by creating a façade of public service, which he called tooyoo. It seemed to all that the ‘big man’ as he referred to by the keepers of Basildon Zoo, was coming back into the fold.

Once I had
gone undercover however, I discovered that once again, JD was subverting the good nature of us, the llama loving (in a plutonic way) public. I had made a startling discovery, and found that there is a secret tooyoo code. Utilising his powers of evil, he created a programme whereby each time a member of tooyoo used some common abbreviations, one of his minions across the world would torture a llama.

For example the abbreviation LOL, the most common, and jovial of expressions, is actually an instruction to ’Lock up Llamas’. It is no coincidence that the RSPCA found twelve shaven llamas in a lock up in Llanelli last week, and a further five were discovered couped up in a Nissan Sunny which was left stranded on the A12.

While all this is going on, unsuspecting members of the site are encouraged to create ‘Smiley’s’ in order to show emotion, on the otherwise soulless being known as the internet. This people happily do, inputting a strange language of colons and brackets. For example : ) is a happy face, ; ) is a face winking. Or so we are lead to believe.

I consulted an expert in llama studies at the University of Life in a small pub just outside worksop, and he furnished me with the truth. “Llama’s communicate using punctuation” he told me. “It is a little know fact that the common all garden llama (ie the hairy ones) actually speaking using a series of brackets, lower case letters and semi-colons”. With this in mind I showed him some of the codes for the tooyoo ‘smilies’. His words upon seeing the code cannot be repeated before the watershed, but the words ‘degrading’, ‘inhumane’ and ‘lavatory brush’ were amongst those that I can only hint at.

This investigation and all of it’s evidence have been passed to the relevant authorities and police are keeping a watchful eye on all persons, and animals involved. In the meanti
me, I urge you. Do not go to Tooyoo! Don’t do it. Don’t follow this link http://www.hotshotsdesigns.co.uk/tooyoo/ under any circustances. You’ll see things on there, that, knowing the outcome of this investigation, you won’t want to see. It’s not a very clever way of leaving messages for other Dooyoo users. It’s a central point for the torture of hairy animals that spot on your carpet!

Tooyoo (http://www.hotshotsdesigns.co.uk/tooyoo/) is a bad place to go, and I sincerely hope that this report does not encourage more mentally afflicted llama fetishists to attend the forum.

This is Paul Jenkins, signing off for ‘I’m so bored at work’ tonight.

Apologies and thanks to ILJD & CC for their part in this op be it via their permission or inspiration.

http://www.hotshotsdesigns.co.uk/tooyoo/

P.S You will notice that I have rated this site Very Useful. This is simply because in the true tradition of great detectives, I have a profound respect for the megalomaniac which has created this monster. This does not mean that you should go and check it out!! What do you mean you did? Doh!

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