Guidance (How To Write A Good Movie Review)

Name: hogsflesh

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Product:	How To Write A Good Movie Review
Date:	11.04.06 (544 review reads)
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Advantages: It's advice on how to write good movie reviews

Disadvantages: It's advice on how to write good movie reviews

Bits of this are out-of-date - plipplop is no longer co-guide, and the VHS/DVD rules are changing even as I type.

I’ve been knocking around dooyoo for exactly five years now. And this is my 200th opinion. This makes me feel old, which frankly I’m not; I’m young and vibrant and thrusting, and anyway, grey hair looks distinguished, damn it. But as a celebration of my anniversary, and of my double century, they’ve gone and made me film guide. (Not *the* film guide, but *a* film guide. There’s another one around here somewhere, name of plipplop. Nice guy.) So I figured I’d share my thoughts about how to write a successful film review. (Which means, basically, that if you want VU ratings from me, then this is how you get them.)

(It’s almost impossible to write something like this without seeming like a right arrogant so-and-so. I’d like to assure you all that that’s far from the case, that I generally regard my own writing on this site with profound embarrassment, and that I’ve written this as much to help myself as anyone else. And it really is intended to be helpful, rather than dogmatic and elitist. With that in mind, let’s take the plunge, eh?)

Well, first, generally, just try and write quite well. Things like spelling, punctuation and grammar are important, although not the be-all-and-end-all. If you have MS Word, then use it – the spell check will pick up most things, although everyone has the occasoinla typo. Far more important is syntax – how something reads. There are no hard and fast rules, but keeping your sentences fairly short is good, and try to avoid too much repetition of words. Read bits out to yourself – if what you’ve written sounds like something John Prescott might say, then rewrite it.

But I can’t tell you how to write – there’s no reason to suppose I’m any better at it than you. Everyone has their own style, and there’s no rulebook. Generally, the more you do it the better you’ll get. So, on to writing film reviews. You are, of course, completely free to ignore this advice, but if you do then you’ll get rated down by me, and, I would think, by most others – nothing I suggest here is particularly controversial.

So, first off, a *brief* description of the plot is probably a good idea. But by brief, I mean really brief. I’d aim for two paragraphs maximum. I want to read about your *opinion* of a film – that’s the selling point of your review, you see – the plot I can find out anywhere. You can sum up the plot of Star Wars in four sentences. (Try it, it’s fun.) You probably need a bit more than that for more complicated films, but you really don’t need to fill a review with endless plot details.

The most important thing about describing the plot is that you don’t give away the ending of the film. Seriously, that sucks. Doesn’t matter how well-known the film is, there’s always someone out there who hasn’t seen it. This obviously goes for any important plot twists too. If a character in a film unexpectedly turns out to be a man rather than a woman, try not to tell us, eh? In fact, if a film has a super-clever twist ending that you wouldn’t see coming a mile off, then don’t even mention it. If I know a film has a twist ending I spend the whole time I’m watching trying to second guess it. If I don’t know it’s coming, I enjoy it more.

OK, if it’s a documentary or a sports DVD then this isn’t an issue. And I guess there are TV show box sets that you might find yourself having to give away plot details of earlier episodes in order to discuss later ones. Try not to, if you can help it, but there is room for manoeuvre there. Nowhere else though – the only film I can think of where this doesn’t apply is The Passion of the Christ, and I might even be wrong about that (‘…and you won’t *believe* the twist ending!’).

So, plot out of the way, you have to move on to what you thought of the film. This is far more important than plot. It’s probably best to break it down into various different aspects and discuss each one in turn. So talk about the actors. Don’t just give us a list of who’s in it – I can go to the Internet Movie Database for that. Tell us what they were like. Were they good? Did they convince you? Were their performances realistic? Or appropriate to the film? Did you fancy them? How did they compare to other films you’ve seen them in? Et cetera.

And it’s the same for every other aspect of the film. If the direction or editing are self-consciously ‘arty’ then let us know, and let us know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. How does it compare to other films you’ve seen by the director, or is this the first film you’ve seen by him? How does it compare to similar films? Is the story good? How about the dialogue? Does it look right? Is it shot well? Are there any special effects? Are they good? Are they so good that they overbalance the film? Are they used to support an otherwise worthless piece of crap, like in The Matrix, or do they enrich an already rewarding cinematic experience, like in Starship Troopers? What’s the music like? Does it work well with the film? Are there any particularly memorable moments, or clever dialogue? Is there anything that might offend people? Is it a good film for kids? Is it hard to follow? You obviously don’t have to be that exhaustive – it might make your review uncomfortably long if you are – but make sure you tell us enough to get a good idea of what the film is like.

And generally, what effect did the film have on you? Did it make you laugh? Scare you? Make you horny? Was it meant to do any of those things? Did it have the effect that it was intended to have, or the complete opposite? So many old horror movies are now funny rather than scary. A lot of action films are boring rather than exciting. And I can’t be the only one to find Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs powerfully erotic, can I? Tell us about these things.

That’s the important stuff. Sometimes, if I’m writing about an older film that I suspect people may not know anything about, I’ll put in a bit of historical context, but not much – these aren’t meant to be academic essays. And you can throw in other bits and pieces as you see fit, although straying too far off topic can mean that the review loses sight of what it’s meant to be doing.

[IGNORE THE NEXT THREE PARAGRAPHS AS THE RULES ARE IN THE PROCESS OF CHANGING. I'LL UPDATE WHEN I KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS.]

And now the vital bit. DVD versus VHS. On dooyoo, reviews posted under the VHS category are meant to be reviews of *just* the film (it shouldn’t be called VHS, obviously, and hopefully the name will change). If you write in the DVD category, you *must* describe the DVD itself, as well as the film. If the right category isn’t there, then suggest it. Dooyoo will add it, usually pretty quickly (as long as it’s appropriate to a family website. You may appreciate the camera work in the Horny Butt Sluts series – I know I do – but dooyoo probably isn’t the right forum for discussing it). *Do not* post reviews in the wrong category because you can’t wait for the right one to be added. That’ll get you rated down. Even if you explain that you know you’re in the wrong category – that won’t cut any ice. Sorry. This is an actual, official dooyoo law, so even if I didn’t agree with it (which I do) I’d still be compelled to rate you down.

And when writing about the DVD extras, as with everything else, don’t just list them – I can read the back of the DVD for that. What are they like? Are they worth watching? Are they worth paying extra for (if you have to)? Obviously not all DVDs have special features – if that’s the case, then say so.

It might well be that you don’t buy DVDs for the extras – that doesn’t mean you can get away with not writing about them. It might be that you don’t use the grill on your cooker, but if you were reviewing your cooker, I’d still expect you to tell me about the grill. You can also mention the picture and sound quality, although this only tends to be an issue with older films – anything made since the rise of DVD should look pretty good, so there’s probably no need to tell us that. Likewise, you probably don’t have to mention the menus, unless there’s something striking about them (if they’re badly designed, for instance). Someone reading the review needs to get an idea not just of what the film is like, but also of the DVD itself. If you’re not doing that, then post it as a VHS review.

[YOU CAN START READING AGAIN NOW.]

Well, that’s pretty much it. Everyone does everything differently, and it would be a terribly boring world if they didn’t. But those are the kinds of things that I consider important in a film review. I’m absolutely not trying to eliminate individuality from your opinions, but you can have the most appealing writing style in the world and still write reviews that aren’t actually useful to the consumer at all. I’m not holding myself up as a paragon of virtue – I’ve broken almost all of the rules I mentioned here, and sometimes even got away with it. But I shouldn’t have done, and I don’t any more.

Dearie me. I’ve rattled on for far too long about this, and probably come across as a tiresome martinet. This is all intended as friendly advice – the most important thing is to have fun – really. I love you all. Hopefully, writing this will spare me the emotional trauma of having to rate your hard work Somewhat Useful, when I’m sure you meant it to be Very.

(And as I said, I’m now one of the guides for movies. So any questions you have about the category, please please please don’t hesitate to ask me – or my co-guide – about them. It’s what we’re here for. We’re lovely people. And so are you.)

Summary: It's advice on how to write good movie reviews