They cared for mom when I couldn't any longer (Care Home)

Member Name: SusanLesley

Product:	Care Home
Date:	04/10/08 (223 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: The home was clean, the room was lovely, the food was good and the staff were wonderful.

Disadvantages: I felt SO guilty

I have just read a review about care homes and how to choose one and I thought I would share my (our) experiences with you. This is another difficult review for me to as my mother only died in April of this year.

To start from the beginning we moved here to Llandudno in the summer of 2002 so that mom and dad could live with Dave (hubby) and me as dad had Alzheimer's disease and mom was struggling to look after him on her own. I became his full time carer until he died in the summer of 2005.

Sadly as dad deteriorated mom developed Vascular Dementia and so, after dad's death, I became full time carer to mom.

The nature of mom's illness meant that her short term memory had all but disappeared although she could hold a reasonable conversation - it was just that she would have forgotten all about it within five minutes.

This got worse over time and sometimes I would tell her the same thing over and over and over again within the space of half an hour!

She also kept asking where dad had gone and then she began to imagine that she had seen him with another woman and she would get very upset about it! Incidentally dad was one of those men that you could guarantee would NEVER have gone with anyone else!

I wasn't any help to mom when she was like this as I used to try and reason with her to alleviate her distress and this used to make matters worse and we would end up arguing. We always made friends very quickly but she needed someone who could be objective and distract her from her pain.

She used to go to the local memory clinic for a day each week and then for one week in every five as a residential patient. This was fine for a couple of years but, as her physical health also began to deteriorate, the strain begin to take its toll on my health and the doctor at the clinic suggested that it would be better for mom to go into a nursing home and he suggested a local one.

Mom needed to be in a nursing home rather than a residential home because a nurse would need to be available at all times in case she needed medical help.

As a full time carer I had my own social worker assigned to me and I contacted her about the situation. She immediately offered to take me to visit one or two homes so that I could see for myself what they were like.

I will say here and now that I do not intend to mention any names here as that would not be appropriate.

My social worker took me to the home recommended to me and it was awful. It smelled really odd and was dark and claustrophobic. She then took me to visit another one which was lovely and airy, it smelled fresh and clean, the staff seemed really nice and the residents that we saw seemed happy enough.

My social worker was not legally allowed to offer me any advice but I could see that she was trying to show me that the second home was the one to go for.

What I wanted to do was to get mom in as a day care patient for one day a week to get her used to the place. I had no intention of just dumping her somewhere strange and letting her get on with it. I loved her far too much for that.

Anyway a nurse came from the home to chat to mom and see how she was and whether she would be suitable for the home and vice versa. She was lovely and mom took to her straight away.

Mom started going to the home every Friday in November 2007 and she was put on the waiting list for a room.

She enjoyed her day out each week and quickly made friends with another lady who was at the same sort of level as mom if you see what I mean.

On New Year's Eve 2007 I received a phone call saying that a room had become available that would suit mom. As it happened she was away on respite at the memory clinic so Dave and I went to the home to view the room and see if it was suitable and whether there was anything we needed to get. It seemed OK so we accepted it providing mom liked it.

We took her to see it the following week and she was happy enough so the wheels were put in motion. I was a nervous wreck during this period as I wanted everything to be perfect but, as my sister pointed out, things weren't perfect at home were they so why should I insist on perfection in the home?

Mom finally moved in on 25th January 2008 and settled very well. She did ask us at first when she was coming home but she soon got over that.

The financing was sorted out for us and we were advised of how much we needed to pay each week.

Mom enjoyed being with her new friend and was always happy to see us each week when we went to fetch her for a day out. The members of staff were always kind and thoughtful to the visitors as well as the residents. Mom always told us that they couldn't do enough for them and were always kindness itself.

After about eight weeks we had a meeting with the people from the home and mom's social worker about how she had settled and then mom was invited in to say what she thought of the home. I was terrified that she would be difficult and demand to come home but she said how well she was treated, how nice her room was and how good the food was so she was officially admitted as a resident.

Sadly she developed a chest infection at the end of March 2008, which was nothing unusual for her as she often suffered in this way. She came out with us on the Saturday (29th March) as usual although she wasn't as lively as normal.

The following day someone from the home phoned to say that the doctor had been to see mom and prescribed antibiotics and steroids. They said that she was up and about and chatting to her friend so there was nothing to worry about.

On the following Wednesday the nurse from the home rang to say that she had been taken to hospital to get some oxygen but that she seemed ok apart from being breathless and not to worry. Later that morning the hospital rang to say get here as quickly as you can and mom died at about 6pm. She always said she wanted to go quickly so I thank God for that.

The people at the home were very upset to hear the news and their caring didn't stop just because mom had gone. They were so kind to us when we had to go and clear mom's room and again when we had to return to collect her rings which had been left in the safe.

Staff from the home came to mom's funeral and brought her friend with them. There was even a man there who was the husband of one of the other residents! That was the sort of friendly place that it was.

Sadly for me even though it was such a lovely place I still feel guilty that I didn't continue to care for her myself, I feel as though I let her down at the end. Still I have to live with that and come to terms with it in my own time.

Summary: They were so kind to us all.