A TRAGIC LOSS (My Experience Of Bereavement)

Member Name: wardenblw431

Product:	My Experience Of Bereavement
Date:	13/12/04 (262 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None whatsoever

Disadvantages: A pain hard to bear, Will never see them again

Losing a loved one is always painful and everyone has his or her own way of dealing with the grief. Last year was an awful time for me. In the space of 6 months I lost 2 close relatives in my family and both of my husbands’ grandmothers died within weeks of each other. It always seemed that there was a funeral to go to, and I had long since forgotten how to smile. As the months slowly crawled into each other, and my tears had started to dry, life dealt another sickening blow.

My best friend Nicola phoned me one day for a chat and she seemed a long way from her normal cheery self. She had not long had a baby, so I put her subdued mood down to tiredness due to the lack of sleep, but I asked her how she was anyway. She said she was fine, but was feeling a bit low and could do with a bit of company. So, I decided to round the kids together and got ready for the short drive in the car to her house.

When I arrived at the house, she was already standing at the front door waiting. Her normal cheery face was nowhere to be seen, instead she looked like she had been crying and she was very pale. I gave her a hug to say hello and she just crumpled into my arms. It was heartbreaking to see her like this, and my initial reaction was she was finding motherhood difficult and was suffering from post-natal depression. We went into the house and sat down and it was there she told me something that would haunt me forever.

“Jules,” she said, “it’s back”. I didn’t have to ask for a full explanation, I knew straight away what she was talking back. Five years earlier, Nicola had been diagnosed with cancer. But after extensive surgery and treatment, she had beaten it and had been given the all clear 18 months ago. It was while she was breast-feeding her new baby that she found a lump in her left breast and she became concerned. She knew all the signs, but didn’t want to worry unnecessarily. She confided in her husband who demanded she see the doctor. The doctor told her it was probably nothing to worry about, as she was breastfeeding, chances were the lump was a milk duct, but because of her history he wasted no time in getting her checked out.

In the meantime, she told nobody else about her lump and carried on putting on a brave face. The day she rang me was the day after she had received the results of her tests and it wasn’t the news that she wanted to hear. As you can imagine the bottom of my world fell out that day, but at the same time I was optimistic that she would get through it as she had beaten the disease earlier. With sheer determination she vowed she would beat it the second time and I believed her.

Over the next month or so Nicola never seemed to be away from the hospital having treatment or more tests done. It was during these tests that her consultant discovered yet more cancerous cells this time in her liver. Again this was another devastating blow, but Nicola refused to let the cancer win and with steely determination put up a good fight. She was determined to see her little girl take her first steps and watch her blow out the candles on her first birthday cake.

But sadly, the cancer was far more aggressive than we all thought. She lost so much weight, her face was deathly white and she was a shadow of her former self. She was so weak she could barely hold her daughter and it was heartbreaking to see her this way. It was only a few weeks before that she said she would give her all, but we all knew that this time it had taken a hold and it wasn’t going to let go.

Exactly six weeks later, the consultant called Nicola’s husband John in to see him and it was then he told him that there was nothing more they could do for her. All they could do was keep her comfortable, but treatment-wise nothing was going to cure it. John decided that he wanted to care for Nicola at home, she had always maintained that should anything happen, then this is where she wanted to be with all her loved ones around her.

While it was hard work physically and emotionally, John coped amazingly well. We offered to take Eva off his hands, but he refused. They were a family after all. The signs of stress were soon apparent on John’s face, but he was determined to look after her so he gave up his job to spend his whole day at home to care for his wife.

As the days went by, Nicola stopped wanting to eat, and she weighed little more than 5 stone. She never complained of being in pain, but it was clear to see that she was suffering. More really for the fact that she would be leaving behind her husband and daughter, and life was dealing this cruel hand at her.

She had been at home for 6 weeks when she decided she could take no more and she slipped away from us. John phoned at 3.15pm and when I saw his telephone number on the caller display I knew exactly what he was going to say. When I picked up the receiver, John could barely speak, but he managed to ask me to come over, as Nicola wanted me there.

As I drove over I could hardly see where I was going as my eyes kept misting over with tears. I just wasn’t ready to accept that she would no longer be there for me when I needed a chat.

When I arrived, the house was full of friends and family all there to say their goodbyes. Everyone was weeping, still not believing that she was dying of cancer. The nurse that visited Nicola daily was also there as John had called her as her breathing had become laboured.

Nicola lay in bed with as much of a smile as she could manage and it almost looked like a wave of relief came over her, as she knew it wouldn’t be long before she was at peace. It was heartbreaking holding her hand, while she talked about all the things that Eva would soon be doing and she would watch her from wherever she was.

At exactly 20 past 4 that afternoon, Nicola took her last breath. John who had been a tower of strength the past 6 months slumped next to her and cried so hard I thought my heart would break. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to endure, and something I don’t want to have to go through again. When an elderly person dies, it’s hard to deal with, but at the same time it’s expected and we all say they had a long, happy life, but when it’s somebody young with their whole life ahead of them, it’s difficult to come to terms with. Life had only just begun for Nicola; she had a little girl that she had waited so long for and a fantastic husband. Life just isn’t fair.

Three weeks later, Eva’s first birthday arrived and it was a happy day tinged with sadness. Her dad had bought a lovely gold locket and put a photo of Nicola cradling her as a baby inside. Although Nicola wasn’t there on the day, we all knew she was watching her having fun.

I don’t know how I got through the funeral, the day itself is just a blur. I remember driving to the church with Barry and we saw a hearse with a wreath spelling out Mummy and another with Darling. The service was lovely from what I remember. In between sobs and sniffles I could just about make out the minister telling funny little anecdotes and I knew Nicola would be having a little giggle to herself.

It is still hard to believe that Nicola is no longer here. Especially when I drive past her house when I go shopping. It took a good few weeks before I could bring myself to take my usual route to the supermarket, instead choosing to take a longer trip. What was harder was coming to terms with never seeing her again. Everyone keeps telling me that time’s a great healer and each day gets easier, but it’s no comfort. She was only 32 and we were just not ready for her to leave so soon.

Ok, I can now look at photos of her now without bursting into floods of tears, and I can even muster a smile, but there’s not one part of me yet that can accept that she’s dead. I haven’t found it any easier to cope with her death, the pain still feels as bad as the day I held her in my arms and said goodbye to her.

Five months on, and the pain is still red raw. I miss my daily chats and weekly shopping trips and more than that the cheeky little emails she used to send. Every morning I log on to my computer and expect to open my inbox and find one, but sadly nothing. John has been coping really well and has a really strong bond with little Eva. As for Eva, she has taken on her mum’s looks and personality and lives life to the full. She is 18 months old now and while I know that Nicola is missing her deeply, she is still living her life through Eva. Every so often Eva pulls a certain face or carries out a certain act and I think to myself that’s Nicola transmitting a message to me letting me know she’s ok.

While the first couple of months were unbearable, I had bucket loads of support from close friends and family. My husband has been my rock in all of this, and as for my kids, I’ve not let them see me down. Gemma in particular was very close to her Auntie Nicola, and she was really upset at the beginning, but she’s fine now. I have found talking about Nicola helpful for coping with her death, but it took me a long time to get the message across to some people. They thought it would be easier to skirt around the issue and ignore it, but it made it worst.

All that is left for me to say is that although Nicola lived a short life, she was able to pack so much into it. She gave everything her all, including her fight for cancer. I am so proud of her and honoured to have had her as my friend. Life certainly won't be the same without her and I know that Christmas is going to be a struggle for her family, and I am sure I will shed a few tears when I think of how she will be missing out on her favourite time of year.

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