The Story Of Thomas (My Experience Of Bereavement)

Member Name: Glory_FishesII

Product:	My Experience Of Bereavement
Date:	09/02/05 (286 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Changed my life

Disadvantages: Wasn't in my life long enough , I don't want to give it one star

I have said goodbye to Thomas three times now. Once when I heard he had gone. Then again, on the day he was cremated and then again on the day that handfull of ashes were taken by a current of water.

Who was Thomas?

Thomas was and will always be my God Son. Thomas was and will always be every curly haired little boy I see in the street. Thomas was the boy who never was. The experience of losing him has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face, but before I go into the feelings let me explain who he was to me.

After many months of trying, my closest friends announced that they were expecting a child. It was like the best news. Although I was a little disheartened at the thought of not having our usual boozy do's for the Christmas and New Year's duration, there were entire years ahead of us all and this baby was to be the best of two people that I loved very much and so how could I not want the very best for him from the onset... I was afterall to be his Godmother and although I am not a religious person I took that role on with all the seriousness it deserved.

His parents, are two remarkable indivduals and as time went by I began to attribute their wavy hair or their blue eyes to this growing small person. The father is a photographer and the mother is French and both have a stubborn streak, so I was seeing the albums of photos as if they had been taken, trying to brush up on my French so I would not be outwitted by a toddler and knowing that willfullness will be something I'd have to deal with.

The Pregnancy.

As I have been told that I may not be able to carry a child full term, when a friend of mine gets pregnant I always feel a little weird, I simply don't want to get involved all that much as it hurts and that isn't because I'm not interested but it's because I feel that I will never get over the fact that children may not be in my future, but you know because the parents were the closest thing to blood I did my best to keep my feelings separate and I remember the day of his first scan and wishing I could have been there and I knew this was real and I knew that this would change entire lives and I was so looking forward to it all and I ignored the hormones gathering apace and then suddenly I got a text saying Thomas was gone.


Edward's Syndrome.

''Babies who have Edward’s syndrome nearly always have problems with their heart, lungs and digestive system. Typical characteristics are a small head, a flat forehead and receding chin. It is a rare condition affecting about one baby in 5,000 with the majority of these babies dying in the first year of life.'' --

http://www.babyworld.co.uk/information/baby/speci al_needs/edwards.asp

Thomas had a hole in his heart as well as this syndrome. My friends were abviously distraught at the idea of having an abortion, but given the medical advice they recieved , it was considered the best option as his quality of life would have been so low and their was little chance of him surviving the actual labour.

Thomas and I.

Now obviously I can not even begin to imagine the pain my friend's were in at this stage. All I could do was to try and keep myself together but part of me just went to pieces, whether it's because I'm disabled and have nearly died on numerous occasions and have been lucky enough to prove all the doctors wrong and Thomas never got that chance , or the fact that there were two people I loved so much in so much pain and nothing I could say or do would help.

I informed our circle of friends on their behalf and felt such emotional numbness that the days turned into weeks. I couldn't sleep or eat. I couldn't reach out to my friends as I felt everything I said would be crass. How could my pain even compare to theirs and this thought stayed with me.

During this time I was actually hospitalised with gastrointerisis , induced from not eating while consuming large amounts of alcohol. It was all I could think of at the time to keep me sane. Why Thomas taken in the way he was, filled my head and heart in a way that no other loss I have ever experienced has.

As the months went by, I decided to do something to honour him. Now it's only a little thing but with the story of Luke in the press, I reopened my dooyoo account with the express purpose of giving any proceeds to Edward's Syndrome charities. I guess it was also to make me feel that I was doing something other than thinking about myself.

Saying Goodbye.

Last July I took a trip with his parents to scatter his ashes. To say it was an emotionally fraught time would be an understatement. It also became the epilogue of our friendship. We stood on a bridge with red rimmed eyes and let him go. I'd never realised that something so tiny could be so huge. Thomas will remain an important aspect of me, long after I have closed this account, long after my friendship with his parents become a drunken haze of a bygone day. I will always thank them for letting me share his memory.


You can of course look up counselling courses via the old www. but if I had some things to share about this entire experience it would be :

1. Talk.

Sounds simple doesn't it ? But the only time the three of us would really mention Thomas would be when there was drink involved or it couldn't be avoided. If you are in a similar situation don't simply assume -- it was the assumptions that weakened our bond, when really this whole situation, should in truth brought us closer together. If you can't talk to the person in question, finding someone who has been through a similar experience and is able to talk about it is also a good move (You know who you are and I love and thank you).

2. Grieve.

OK Grief makes people do odd things. People grieve in different ways. That sounds very trite but it is easily forgotten when you feel like your world has exploded and your head has that bad dream woosiness but you're actually awake. It is NEVER a really good time to lose someone you love....

3. Let it fade.

Right, hmm how do I explain this one? I know part of me will never really get over losing Thomas but I'll maybe think about him every other day instead of everyday now. That's fine. I've also found that it's ok to let myself be reminded of him. I have friends who had a little girl around the time of his due date and at first I found it hard to be around her, but now I can be and I don't feel ''disloyal''.


4. Get on with your own life.

The parents are currently expecting their second child. The pregnancy is, according to mutual friends progressing well. If they can find the strength to do that, then can take some inspiration and say :-

''Thank you to all of those who have helped me with my fundraising venture. I am hoping to cash out and donate by April, which will be the anniversary of his loss... I need and want to close this chapter in my life.''


Goodbye Thomas.

Lots of Love Auntie Jo xx

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