I don't know what to put here really, you decide ... (My Experience Of Bereavement)

Member Name: eclipsehater

Product:	My Experience Of Bereavement
Date:	14/05/07 (223 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: not smoking means longer life

Disadvantages: means you lose your parent/s

Well, i've just lost my mum on Sunday 13th at 11.45 pm ish and to say i'm numb is an understatement. This wasn't sudden but things have a bad habit of building up, this is a tale with a moral at the end. When i was 10 I was always going round the corner shop to get 40 or 80 Silk Cut/B&H whatever the sticks of death were in favour at the time, of course i knew that my mum smoked but i never understood 'why' i.e. addiction, nicotine, lack of willpower and when you have a parent on 40 or 80 on a bad day (or more) then you can see that later in life the damage is going to present itself drastically.

I'm 37 now and my sister 27 bless her, she has a daughter aged 5 and i don't know for the life of me how she's going to explain that 'nanny eileen' isn't coming back.

I've sat here today in ponderous thought as to whether we could have done more. 40 years of smoking death sticks took its toll, she had a lucky escape the year before last with an allergic reaction to some medications and she ended up on a ventilator and support machine, but, being strong minded and willed she bounced back but not to a 100% level, and we all were thankful for small mercies for that one.

Of course when the doctors tell you that your lungs have seen better days and with multiple ailments of asthma, bronchitis, osteoperosis and mobility issues, 58 is a young age to pass on, no age at all really. Try as we might we couldn't help her stop and I suppose it was just a waiting game for the next 'big event', last week she fell down after a stroke and apparently had some minor ones (TIA's i think they call them, normally a precursor to the big ko) and was rushed in to her local A&E, they did their best and I for one can't fault the NHS and the foresight they have as regards to people's expectancy to pull through, sadly they gave her days at the weekend as her condition deteriorated drastically and she was wheeled off to a private side room, my sister rang me Sunday to tell me 'She's gone', I didn't cry - i couldn't, i just said back softly 'ok, thanks for letting me know', I don't know how long grieving should take whether days, weeks or months, you hear about people who never truly get over the loss of a partner - but a parent is a different matter, this woman who held my hand to school as a five year old, should have had me holding her's in her time of need and I couldn't be there for her at the end as it was so unexpectedly sudden.

It's been a nice day today weather wise, a bit of sun as i've looked out the window onto life passing by, i'm sad but composed and it'll undoubtedly hit me at the funeral next week, as my parents are divorced my sister and mothers partner are dealing with the arrangements of finality.

In hindsight we all say 'could we have done more' yes, we could have but we can't see what the future holds such is the fragility of life.

I firmly believe that death is merely a transgressional stage into something better, the body dies and passes but the memories, the good times and the bad, they never fade and rather than be 'lost at see' i'm just drifting at the minute. It comes in time that we all pass on at some point, who knows when, if you believe in a god only that being in theory knows this 'mortal clock'.

The moral is that cigarettes do kill, and if you smoke, think about packing up, please, i've just lost my mum due to the ravages of tobacco induced problems and the companies still churn out their packs of death regardless, now we're moving on to a smoke free workplace and smoke free towns and cities for eating and recreation, now's the time to ban these damn things all together.

God bless mum, you will be missed and never forgotten, perhaps we will meet again one day, your loving son.

Summary: not too sure how to summarise this - i'm a little lost.