A very personal experience (My Experience Of Bereavement)

Member Name: hypno06

Product:	My Experience Of Bereavement
Date:	17/01/09 (143 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: I know I was lucky to have someone so special.

Disadvantages: I want him back now

I will start by apologising for what may come across as being a very selfish article. Actually, No, I won't apologise - the title is "My Experience of Bereavement" so that is what you will get....

We are now in the second half of January - and that means that we are almost in February, which is the month in which I lost my Dad almost 4 years ago.........February used to just be "the short month where payday came around quicker" but now it is the crap month where I get moody (yes, even more than usual) and snap at everyone for the smallest possible reason.

I have a qualification in bereavement counselling, and can honestly say that much of it means Naff all when I relate it to my experiences.......bereavement is such an individual thing - no two people are going through exactly through the same thing, so how can textbooks and a whole load of essays, and case studies REALLY mean that I can get through this better than anyone else?

**My experience**

My dad died suddenly, of a pulmonary embolism, when aged just 55 years - he was fit and healthy (so we all thought) and so his death was an incredible shock to us all - here one minute, and gone the next.

I was his next of kin (he was part way through a divorce from my stepmother at his death) and so in the first few months I had a lot of practical stuff to deal with - arranging his funeral, dealing with a re-arrangement of the will to pay off stepmother, sorting the house out for sale, dealing with his debts/mortgage, sorting out his failing business that he was running with his two brothers etc etc. All this practical stuff and all the battles that go alongside it meant that I kept myself focused on what I had to do, and my over-riding feelings were of anger that my Dad had left me with such a muddle to sort out.

Bit by bit, of course, the practicalities were sorted - the house was sold and along with it the debts and the mortgage were cleared, the Will was amended to benefit stepmother and she faded into the background amicably, the share of the business was handed over for my Uncles to do with what they want etc..........and then it really started to hit me.

My anger turned into incredible sadness and that feeling of loss, not just for me, but for my children. Everything was so unfair. The first year went by and people were telling me how I should feel, and that time would heal. People tried to chivvy me along on days that were tough, such as his birthday and christmas, but all I wanted to do was feel sorry for myself and wallow in my misery for a bit......but I felt as though I wasn't allowed to.

We are now coming up to four years since Dad died, and I miss him as much as ever, but in a different way. I can no longer say that I think of him specifically every day, but I still think of things I want to tell him, and when certain songs come on the radio or I see things on the telly that we would laugh about, I want to pick up the phone and make sure he is listening or watching.......

We used to go running together, and I have recently taken up running again - I have conversations with him on my way round, plodding the pavements, huffing and puffing, just as though he was running alongside me - people probably wonder what "the mad woman" is doing, "talking to herself" as they see me jog by!

**So what can I pass on to you?**

Well, the answer is "I don't know". Because my experience of losing my Dad was just that - MY loss, of MY Dad - not your Dad, or your best mate, or your child, but MY Dad. I cannot pretend to understand exactly what the next person is going through when they lose someone they love, because I did not have that relationship - no one in the world had the relationship that I had with my Dad..........in the same way as I cannot understand how my Sister feels because her relationship and her feelings after his death are just that - HERS, not MINE.

I think what I am trying to say is that there are NO rules in these circumstances - no book or person can tell you how you should be feeling. How can they? How do they know what that song means to you, or get the "in joke" that you shared that day in the pub.........?

It may take you a few weeks to "get over" the loss of someone, or you may take many years........neither is wrong, as long as you understand that YOUR life still goes on, as does that of your family around you. The person who has died would want you to continue living - they would not want you to forget them, but would want to know that you are still making the best of life and all the opportunities it gives you.

Days of wallowing, even many years after the event, are allowed. If you want them. And if you don't want to ever wallow, then that is fine too! Just don't tell me what I should do or how I should feel!

Someone once told me that the tears that I cry, even years later, are just a sign that I had a very special person in my life.......and THAT is something that no one can take away from me, ever......so I should be proud of my tears and allow them to make an appearance from time to time.

We are not very good at discussing death and dealing with it, in the UK - the subject is rather taboo still. Yet in other countries the subject matter is talked of in a healthy manner, and I can't help thinking that perhaps they have got it right in some way.......if we could talk more openly about how we feel about these things, then maybe we WOULD be able to understand what to expect, and how to feel......I don't know.

Sooner or later, we all have to deal with bereavement........and each time it will be different, because each relationship is different. Just remember - there are NO RULES. What you do, is ok......honest x

Summary: I don't want to go through it again for a while.