just had to get it out somewhere, sorry (My Experience Of Bereavement)

Member Name: pania22

Product:	My Experience Of Bereavement
Date:	15/06/09 (71 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: none whatsoever

Disadvantages: the world is less an amazing person

I apologise in advance for this article and how rambling and thoughtful it may become but i am sat at work and just need a sounding board to get this out. This isnt about the loss of a family member or even a very close friend but instead about a lovely lovely ex colleague who had his life snuffed out by a careless horrible driver while doing the job he loved.
This morning started out as a normal morning and with the event of a phonecall all that changed. my lovely, kind hearted, softly spoken ex colleague had been killed in a road accident while on duty as a police officer.

We used to work together when I was a WPC and he was a special constable and we had a really good laugh together. My memory of him is of a very good fun guy who also was very very gentle. I have a memory of us sitting in the police station front counter and chatting for best part of 2 hours. such was his company that anyone would feel comfortable with him. He had an effect with members of public where he could relate to anyone on any level and deal with any situation. He was really badly beaten up one night and the effect that this had on the station was unbelieveable. No one could believe that someone would hurt such a good guy who was doing his job, voluntarily, purely for the love of the job. We would exchange texts and talk frequently until a couple of years ago when I moved away to Norfolk but when i left the police he was one of the guys I missed terribly.

Needless to say I was devastated this morning when i heard what had happened and was surprised by my reaction to the news of his death. Made even worse to the fact that I have had to hold it all in today and come into a policing environment, dealing with the public reporting road accidents etc.
My colleague was 26. He didn't deserve to die. No one of that age does. When someone dies that young it always makes you wonder whether it was always meant to be that he should die at the age that he did. Whether someone had actually got him earmarked for a job somewhere else or that he was too good for the XXXXhole that is the planet earth. Makes you wonder doesn't it. it would be so easy to get angry about him being taken so young but then someone somewhere has a greater plan, and it isnt one we are aware of. I just wish that somehow we had a way of finding out the answers to that. Today sat here, trying to hold my emotions in i have found myself alternating between smiling at the memory that I have of him, to almost suffocating under the weight of the realization that he really has gone, to being really blXXdy lash out angry at the person who wasn't paying attention and mowed him down, to god for taking such a good person away from the world and at anyone and everyone that i could be angry at.

If i could have one more conversation with him i would say thankyou. Thankyou for the times that you made me smile, thank you for being a bloody good police officer. thank you for giving your life so fully to your work and your heart to the people that you met. I'd also say that I was sorry. Sorry for neglecting our friendship when i moved away and not appreciating that life can sometimes be as truly short as it is. I wish i could turn the clock back, i wish i could have been there with him yesterday morning and warned him that the car was coming, told him to get out of the way or in some how prevent what happened.

It is only when someone is removed from your life that you can truly appreciate how they touched you. If any of you have someone that you haven't called in ages, or have ignored a text from. Please please pick up the phone and call them. I really wish i had the chance to text him now and say hi. that chance is gone and i am angry at myself that I let that chance pass.

Sweetdreams hon, you were an amazing person and a tragic loss from the world. Simple truth is you were too good to be here. Until we meet again. x

Summary: why do i have to give death a star?