WHY HIM? (My Experience Of Bereavement)

Member Name: curly00

Product:	My Experience Of Bereavement
Date:	02/09/01 (50 review reads)
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Death is an inevitable part of life, however you don’t really think about it till someone close to you dies.Bereavement is a horrible phase to go through, and when an unexpected death occurs it is even harder. I am still getting over a close friend’s death almost two years since it happened. In this opinion I’ve decided to discuss the stages I went through and what you could do for someone who is grieving.

Disbelief
~~~~~~~~
Often classed as denial. When I first heard the news I couldn’t and wouldn’t believe it. I was supposed to meet him in an hour, how can it be true?
I refused to believe my poor cousin who broke the news and ran off. I actually went to the park where I was supposed to meet my (now deceased) friend. I sat expectantly for three hours waiting for him to turn up. During this time I still didn’t believe that he was dead. We used to spend so much time together, and I just felt
numb.

Anger
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I felt more of a cross between anger and frustration. It didn’t make sense how life was just going on as if nothing had happened. Little things irritated me, and always the thing that crossed my mind was – ‘WHY HIM?’.

Shock
~~~~~~
I found the inability to cry and got sick of well meaning people insisting it would make me feel better. I believe that everyone is individual and no one is going to grieve in the same way. I did become an insomniac and went for weeks at a time without sleeping. Concentration was also a sore point and my A-levels suffered as a result.

Depression
~~~~~~~~~
An awful part of my life. It’s a whole other opinion. If you do suspect that a friend is suffering from depression there are some signs to look out for.:

Becoming withdrawn
Hiding their arms (may be a sign of self-harm)
Erratic sleeping and eating patterns
No motivation about the future
There’s many more and
I’d advise looking through the ‘depression category’.

This is where you really need your friends. Don’t say you ‘know how you feel’ and things like that. It’s best to listen and the person will eventually open up to you. Having someone there is important, as loneliness can elevate depression. Telling someone who is grieving or depressed to ‘snap out of it’ or to ‘stop wallowing in self pity’ is not the way to go. It will usually have an extremely negative effect.
All you need to do is let them know that you’ll be there for them whenever and will listen if they want to talk. The worst thing you can do is to avoid them, if you can’t rely on your friends to be there then who can you rely on?


The Dreaded Funeral
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I’d never been to a funeral and in Indian funerals you go and pay your respects to the body. This cured my denial but I don’t think it helped me say goodbye. The body wasn’t him, there was no energy there. It was just a body, and I’d never seen one before so it was quite disturbing. It was a terrible experience, and you feel so helpless. I read all the letters he wrote to me, sat in our favourite place and then put all of them in the loft. I couldn’t part with them, but I couldn’t have them with me everyday.
As a Hindu I believe in reincarnation, so it helps to know death isn’t ‘the end’. When something like this happens you do question your faith, and I’ve not become more or less religious. It’s just something that I’ve often wondered about.

In ‘real life’ I am quite stubborn and can not admit that it still hurts inside. All of my friends that I’ve met in the last year don’t know about this part in my life. I keep it private as I find it easier this way.


Counselling is sometimes needed to really talk throu
gh your feelings. I went to a teacher at college and had informal chats, where I could talk without worrying what they would think.

Once I started University I started channelling my nervous energy in so many different areas. It amazing how many things I manage to do in one day. It helps to keep busy and the mind occupied. Now I can hear a song or watch our favourite programmes and feel both happy and sad.


If you are going through bereavement and need someone to talk to contact Cruse. Their contact number is 020 8940 7638

Whoever you talk to, don’t go through it alone. People care and it does slowly get easier. If you don’t feel comfortable you can contact me if you want to talk.

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