Butterflies and sell by dates (My Experience Of Bereavement)

Member Name: skybabes

Product:	My Experience Of Bereavement
Date:	08/09/01 (214 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: INFORMATION, we all go through it

Disadvantages: no one wants it

WHAT IS DEATH?
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An ancient Chinese wise man once said, "Last night, I dreamt I was a butterfly...it was so very like life...And now, I do not know whether I am a man dreaming that I am a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming that I am a man."

Death and Life are both like dreams. Dying is quite like going to sleep at night. Our consciousness is dissolved, and although a part of us remains aware, we may forget what happened, and things are difficult to describe. They seem to make perfect sense when we are asleep, but when we are awake, they might not.

When you die, the part of you that stays the same from one life to the next, (we'll call it "mind" for now, although this is not totally accurate) - your "mind" discards your body and all its worldly attachments. It then enters into different dimensions.

It has been claimed that one can never look directly at the sun nor at one's own death. And yet, throughout the history of mankind, both have been the enduring themes of myth and religion, science and magic, curiosity and fear. From our late twentieth century vantage point we find that as the sun is understood as being the source of life in the natural order, so death is becoming recognized as the central dynamism underlying the life, vitality, and structure of the social order.

Death sells newspapers and insurance policies, invigorates the plots of our television programs. It is the final encounter. The trouble is none of us know when “our sell by date” is going to be and in our society we are not really prepared for its eventuality.

ONLY OLD PEOPLE DIE ! we know this not to be true. The thing is we don’t really think of death as being part of life, and are not encouraged at a young age to do so. We are then not only unprepared for the actual arrangements that come along with death but totally unprepared for the grieving processes that follow. <
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MY STORY
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I like many of you I expect have faced death in many guises. I lost my grandfather 3 years ago to a long term illness and found this not easy but not hard to except. He was elderly he had had a good life.

I faced a death this year in which a dear relative of mine died at a very young age quite unexpectedly. This was almost impossible to bear. I think it was the total shock of what occurred. We all have things that happen to us. I can only write about how I feel things have effected me. Any one who has faced death will understand what I have written.

*THE GRIEF REACTION*
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The process of bereavement may be described as having four phases:
1. Shock and numbness:
You may find it difficult to believe the death; they feel stunned and numb.
2. Yearning and searching:
Survivors experience separation anxiety and cannot accept the reality of the loss. They try to find and bring back the lost person and feel ongoing frustration and disappointment when this is not possible.
3. Disorganization and despair:
You may feel depressed and find it difficult to plan for the future. You can be easily distracted and have difficulty concentrating and focusing.
4. Acceptance.

We tend to make strong bonds of affection or attachment with others. When these bonds are broken, as in death, a strong emotional reaction occurs. After a loss occurs, a person must accomplish certain tasks to complete the process of grief. These basic tasks of mourning include accepting that the loss happened, living with and feeling the physical and emotional pain of grief, adjusting to life without the loved one, and emotionally separating from the loved one and going on with life without him or her. It is easier said than done and although the phases above are outlined in a certain chain sequence, believe you me they can switch on you and cause you confusion.

I have e
xperienced this myself one minute you cannot believe that you have lost a loved one then 5 minutes down the road despair hits you and by the end of the day the cold realisation sets in. this is common and although things are linked you will go through different things at different times. It is not an exact science.

MYTHS
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Myth 1: "It's been a year since your spouse died. Don't you think you should be dating by now?"
Reality: It is impossible to simply "replace" a loved one. Human beings are not goldfish. We do not flush them down the toilet and go out and look for replacements. Each relationship is unique, and it takes a very long time to build a relationship of love. It also takes a very long time to say good-bye, and until good-bye really has been said, it is impossible to move on to a new relationship that will be complete and satisfying.


Myth 2: "You look so well!"
Reality: The bereaved do look like the non-bereaved on the outside. However, at the interior, they experience a wide range of chaotic emotions—shock, numbness, anger, disbelief, betrayal, rage, regret, remorse, guilt. These feelings are intense and confusing.

There are two much more helpful responses to the bereaved. First, simply and quietly acknowledge their pain and suffering through statements such as: "This must be very difficult for you." "I am so sorry!" "How can I help?" " What can I do? "


Myth 3: "The best we can do (for the griever) is to avoid discussing the loss." Reality: The bereaved need and want to talk about their loss, including the most minute details connected to it. Grief shared is grief diminished. Each time a griever talks about the loss, a layer of pain is shed.

Myth 4: "It's been six (or nine or 12) months now. Don't you think you should be over it?"
Reality: There is no quick
fix for the pain of bereavement. Of course, grievers wish they could be over it in six months. Grief is a deep wound which takes a long time to heal. That time frame differs from person to person according to each person's unique circumstances.


Myth 5: "You need be more active and get out more!"
Reality: Encouraging the bereaved to maintain their social, civic and religious ties is healthy. Grievers should not withdraw completely and isolate themselves from others. However, it is not helpful to pressure the bereaved into excessive activity. Erroneously, some caregivers try to help the grieving "escape" from their grief through trips or excessive activity.


Myth 6: "She cries a lot. I'm concerned she is going to have a nervous breakdown." Reality: Tears are nature's safety valves. Crying washes away toxins from the body which are produced during trauma. That may be the reason so many people feel better after a good cry.

THE REALITY
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In one way or another, we are all affected by death. Losses are inevitable and are ever present in all lives. Death is universal. Grief is universal. We all must cope with bereavement at some stage in our lives. Even though death can be separated into two categories, long-term illness and sudden death, all death is sudden. The finality of death brings to those left behind a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Grief is not something abnormal; rather, it is a normal and inevitable step in our journey through life. We can grieve not only for the passing of a human life, but also for the death of a relationship (divorce) or we can suffer the same emotional reactions over the loss of a beloved pet


Grieving is difficult work. The following are some suggestion to help in navigating the journey through grief.
-Take time. Don’t let others rush you into “getting over” your feelings.
-Don’t m
ake major decisions. The time of grief is a time of instability.
-Avoid the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb the painful feelings.
-Cry. Tears are the healthiest expression of grief. Don’t try to hold back crying to the sake of others.
-Know that there will be good days and bad days. Pangs of intense grief can surface during holidays, significant events such as birthdays or anniversaries.
-Remember the loved one often and as much as you need to. Look at photographs, read old letters and retell your memories to friends and other members of the family.
-Seek people who will understand your need to talk about what happened. Seek out people who will really listen to your remembrances.
-Allow yourself time to heal. Pay attention to your health. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. Eat a healthy diet. Get outside in the sunshine for exercise or a mild walk.
-Ask for what you need from others. Accept what help they offer. Now is not the time to try to do everything by yourself.
-Seek out grief counselling if you feel you cannot cope alone. Grief counselling is available through community resources, churches and licensed therapists. Join a grief support group. Local community papers will usually have listings. Use the Internet and join an electronic bulletin board dedicated to supporting individuals who have lost loved ones.
-Remember your grief is individual to you. Not everyone’s grief is identical to yours. You will share some similarities with others, but grieving is a very personal and very individual process.
Death like any great wound leaves a scar. It may heal and the pain may ease but the mark is always there. But the memories of the loved one are always there also. The most important thing to remember is -- there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. People grieve in their own time and in their own way. The second most important thing to remember is – everything you feel during berea
vement is normal. The third most important thing to remember is – if you feel you cannot cope with your loss alone, you don’t have to. Seek help. Grief is the pain of not having the person who is gone.

Good luck and remember that your loved ones would like to see you carry on living and keeping some of their spirit alive within you, I have always found that this helps me believe that I am doing something positive.

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