suicide (re-posted op) (My Experience Of Bereavement)

Member Name: pje

Product:	My Experience Of Bereavement
Date:	02/08/02 (206 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None.

Disadvantages: Grief.

N.B.
This opinion was originally posted here on dooyoo a year ago,
it was subsequently moved into the short-lived 'suicide' category
which was removed following disquiet among some dooyoo members (who, it seems, would rather not see such matters discussed.)
Not only was it archived, it was later removed altogether without
me being informed. I find such surreptitious censorship cowardly,
and this was one of the reasons I fell out of love with dooyoo.

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Back in 1990, there was this person, let's call him 'P', and he was
socially isolated. Loveless, prospectless, friendless, hopeless,
everybloodythingless really. Then 'G', his best mate from school,
who he hadn't seen for several years, turned up out of the blue.
'P' and 'G' chatted like old times, but not about feelings of course,
what with them being blokes and this being England an' all.

Afterwards 'P' wrote an incoherent and desperate letter to 'G'
which brought an alarmed and concerned response, and they
began to correspond. But, as I said, this is England and they
were blokes, so the heavy stuff was quickly replaced by more
appropriate topics (sport, basically.) However, this did at least
give 'P' something to cling onto. Some hope.

Being a bunch of clever-clogs, you will probably have already
guessed what happened. I mean, the title of the op is a dead
giveaway and as 'P' is still here to write about it, there's only one
possibility left - you don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to see that.
But, at the time, it was very bloody unexpected. Nobody expects
to be gazumped in the "f*** the world I want to get off" stakes.


The letters from 'G' stopped, and by chance I saw his name in the
deaths column of the local
paper. I thought it was a coincidence -
someone old who had the same name. But, of course, it wasn't.

He died from an overdose (at the second attempt, apparently)
in S****horpe, on August 2nd 1990. It was the hottest day
of the century (99°F). Oh yes, you never forget the details.
Like coming home from the funeral and hearing Radio One
blaring out from a garage - bloody Betty Boo "Doin' The Do".


If I may, I would like to digress here. Well, you can't really stop
me can you? ...In the massive debate on the comments section
of sidneygee's op on cannabis, one of many points he made was:

"how would you feel if your daughter took up this habit,
say a year before taking her [...] examinations?"

Well, that touched a nerve with me, but not regarding cannabis.
Having been affected by a suicide, any instances of suicide in the
news jump out at you. Things which other people may not notice
in quite the same way. You see, what angers me is that there are
several REGULAR causes of suicide... and exams are one of them.

Every year you read about one or two teenagers who die after
taking ecstasy - it's front page news. But every year at least
as many teenagers kill themselves because of exam worries,
so why aren't their deaths considered worthy of the front page?

In answer to Sid's question, if I did have a daughter who began
smoking pot a year before her exams, two things would worry me
even more than the effects of the drug. Firstly that theoretically
she could be imprisoned, and secondly that the pressure of the
exams might lead her to consider self-harm.

Another terribly regular source of suicide stories in the news are
young offenders' institutions...

As I was chucking out some old newspapers last week a headline
caught my eye: Locking up under-18
s 'must stop' - Youth's suicide
spurs reform campaign. According to the article there were at
least twenty-six such deaths in the last six years.

Why do the people who set the news agenda choose to value
some young lives but not others? Because they are manipulating
the news agenda to suit their own ends that's why. Using some
people's grief and ignoring others. Or perhaps they think that
the deaths of a few dozen wayward teenage burglars and
joyriders will serve to reduce the surplus population?

The family of the 17-year-old whose death prompted this article
"washed their hands of him" after he was caught attempting to
burgle a house. Imagine how they feel now, and remember that
the next time you hear someone pontificate about "tough love".
His name was Phillip too, which didn't help.

There was yet another one in the news yesterday. Yet another
inquest into yet another suicide of yet another teenager who
couldn't cope with being bullied in a young offenders institution.
The coroner recorded a verdict of accidental death, suggesting
that the lad was trying to get moved to the hospital wing to
escape the bullying. I'm sorry, but there is nothing accidental
about something which just keeps on happening.

One of the most popular "what-would-you-do if..." questions is:
What would be the first thing you would do if you became Prime
Minister. In my case I would have all young offenders' institutions
closed down, as soon as possible. Oh, "it's completely impractical,
it can't be done" the Sir Humphrey's would splutter. But I would
insist. We need an alternative, one that tallies with the phrase:
"civilised society". Because every youngster that commits suicide
leaves behind friends and relatives suffering a waking nightmare.



That phrase "waking nightmare" is doubly apt, because, with an
unexpected bereavement, it's the waking-up that's the bastard.
The knowledge of their death takes a long time to sink into your
subconscious. In your dreams they are there as normal and then
in the morning you wake up and remember. Every damn morning.

The aftermath of suicide isn't pretty. The what-ifs and the if-onlys
swim around in your head multiplying like bacteria on a student's
dish-cloth.

If I had known I would have done anything to stop it happening.
Believe me, I would have used every dirty trick in the book,
every form of emotional blackmail imaginable, given the chance.
But time's arrow never gives you a second chance.

Maybe one day someone who knew 'G' in S****thorpe will read
this. If so, don't tell me. Because I may not be able to resist the
urge to come and find you and kill you ...for not helping him.
Like I tried to kill myself for not being there, and for being one of
the straws on the camel's back when it broke. So, if S****horpe
is obliterated by a nuclear explosion one August 2nd, that'll be
me being angry. If you had known Graham (a kind, generous,
modest, self-effacing person) you would understand. You would
understand exactly how f*****-up the world was to let him go.


You see I have an irrational hatred to anything that might have
contributed to his state of mind:- S****horpe; very hot weather;
money trouble; the Catholic schools he went to before I met him;
myself for not being there; psychiatrists (he would have been
seen by one after his first attempt failed wouldn't he?) Etc. etc.

Do I sound bitter? Good. I am bitter. I will always be bitter.
Some things are unforgivable. It's not the suicide who needs
forgiveness though, it's the people w
ho weren't there for them
when it mattered, or who were there but did nothing, the dogs
that didn't bark in the night. By the way, if you leave a comment,
don't make the mistake of spewing out any of those cliches about
suicide being selfish or that it's the coward's way out, because
I guarantee that I will never read anything you write ever again.
I mean that.

Grief is a devastating thing, and many people find it easier to use
other emotions to overpower it and protect themselves - like
anger and hate. If you focus your anger on an appropriate target
and blow your top it can mask the grief. Of course it's much
better to tell someone how you feel. Even if you don't feel able
to turn to someone you know, there's always The Samaritans.

The Samaritans are always there to listen:

Telephone 08457 90 90 90 (UK)

http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

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