"Dear Marje,

I have a FRIEND who thinks he might have D.A.N.D.R.U.F.F… and I….errr….HE would like to know if there's anything he can do about it.

Yours,

Ed N Sholdas, Hounslow"

OK, OK I admit it; it's easy to spot the subterfuge. After all, the mere concept of my having a friend is less than credible.

The most embarrassing and even annoying thing about my suffering from dandruff is the fact that I've damn-all hair.

Just when will it stop forming?

If I shaved my head would it go away? After all, it would then just become an extension of washing my face and THAT hasn't got dandruff.

I've had what I supposed to be flaky dandruff for ages. It drops onto clothing just when the latter is at its blackest or smartest.

Over the years I've tried all manner of proprietary remedies.

My hairdresser suggested Polytar and then T-Gel. These seemed to work, but my skin became reactive to their powerful action, culminating one day in my wife exclaiming 'My God, have you seen your scalp - it looks like someone's creosoted it?'

Judging by the smell of them that's not far from the truth. I had to agree that my head now felt itchy too.

Head & Shoulders worked for a while before transferring bits of my 'head' to my 'shoulders' yet again.

Oilatum sounded good, if a trifle pricey. Its balm-like properties worked on the itchiness, but after a while it became apparent that young Master Daniel Druff had never been away - just hiding.

E45 shampoo appealed if only because it was somewhat cheaper than Oilatum, and E45 products always seemed to be geared towards the treatment of sensitive 'parts'. It kept the itching at bay, but wasn't dreadfully good at preventing dandruff.

In a desperate moment I found that even our shower gel was better at that at clearing the dandruff, but my scalp couldn't endure the drying properties of this 'normal' soap for too long without swinging the other way towards dry flaky skin.

FINGERS CROSSED - BECAUSE I'M WORTH IT

Not normally one to be swayed by TV advertising, I'm surprised I'm writing this, especially as I don't look at all like George Eads from CSI, the latest 'squeeze' to be fronting L'Oréal men's products (no, I'm much better looking).

Before you worry that I'm about to work my way through the entire Body Shop or Lush range of toiletries, think again - this is ME talking!

L'Oréal Elvive Anti-Dandruff 'Intensive' Shampoo is the one elixir of which I write.

Before we go on is it me, or is dandruff a purely male problem? In the wonderful world of TV advertising, it's seemingly OK to show men with snowdrifts on their shoulders, but women's shampoos are all about nourishing your hair back to health (what cock, it's dead!) and being filmed in slow motion, and all because 'they're worth it'. Oh yes, and they all have some noncy secret ingedient - Feedyalocs 7 or Nutribarnet v3.0.

I suppose we're just lucky that the same principle doesn't apply to toilet paper; women holding soft rolls of it to their (face) cheeks whilst men have a really good scr…………..no I can't go on. At least with Charmain Ultra, bears really do 'do it' in the woods!

Standing there in a lurid blue bottle with orange detail, it's easy to spot even with your glasses off in the shower. No more trying to lather-up with the tile cleaner, just because 'someone' has decanted all manner of things into standard urine-sample bottles and then written on them in ink that has long-since smudged!

The 250 ml bottle cost me around £2.80 at Boots and seems to be lasting me pretty well as I don't really need to wash my hair every day.

Despite being designed for 'frequent use', by which I take it they mean it's quite mild, its longer-lasting effect are said to be felt up to 4 weeks after you stop using it.

This is good, because one of the things I've read/been told about treatments is that it's best to change every now and then, so you should only regard an anti-dandruff shampoo as something you come back to when dandruff reappears.

The bottle makes all kinds of claims:-

'Effective from 1st use'

'Soothing Action'

'Lasting Anti-Flake Action'

Well, I can't argue with any of those. Not only did I have only a mere trace of dandruff after first use, but my head stopped itching straightaway.

Further applications have lead to the disappearance of dandruff altogether. When I think of all the other stuff I've tried…………….

It claims to have an active ingredient of 'Active Selenium', which when you delve deeper, the reverse of the container tells us is selenium disulfide, adding that 'contact with the eyes and broken skin' is to be avoided. No really? You mustn't get soap in your eyes? Well, I never knew that!

I don't think selenium compounds are unique to this L'Oréal product, and I seem to recall in the movie Evolution - (Wipe That Smile Off Your Planet), that all the Head & Shoulders that could be garnered from around the USA was used to fight off the alien invaders as selenium was deadly to them!

Perhaps they were a dandruff-based life-form, I can't remember.

The shampoo itself has a slightly gelatinous feel to it, and a peach/orange colour. The fragrance appears to be an innocuous-enough peach kind of thing. The packaging makes some comment that the colouration and smell are facets of the chief ingredients. So there we have it; selenium disulfide smells of peaches - official.

I t lathers-up readily even in London's hard water and washes out easily, more or less first time.

Combing my hair afterwards shows it to be untangled nicely. Some of the preparations I've used somehow seem to cake the hair on the top of my head together, which then comes as an unpleasant shock on first combing. Maybe they just don't wash out quite so well.

Overall, I'm very pleased with the results. I've used it for about two weeks now, and then reverted to something that didn't previously work for me, Head & Shoulders to no ill effect so far.

The L'Oréal claim that it can remain effective for up to four weeks after you stop using it seems to have a ring of truth to it.