| Product: |
Gay & Lesbian in general |
| Date: |
30/12/04 (237 review reads) |
| Rating: |
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Advantages: Funny, Quirky
Disadvantages: So much fun to be missing out on
LESBIANISM MADE EASY by HELEN EISENBACH
"These days who doesn't want to be a lesbian? In literature and life, entertainment and sport, lesbians are the queen arbiters of what's hot and what's chic"
And so, the book begins.
Quite what possessed me to buy this book, I don't know. It was one of those reading on the plane days where you come to the end of a story but you're not quite there yet, so you carry on, reading those additional pages at the back, home to descriptions of other books the publisher would like to recommend. I was at just such a place with Jennifer Belle's "Going Down" when I came across Helen Eisenbach's latest offering and, well, it sounded a fun little read. What followed was an 18 month scour of the internet (eBay, Amazon) and high street shops for the title. But it was out of print, and hard-to-find, so for a year and a half I was without a how-to guide to lesbianism - something no good bookshelf is complete without. Then one day, a nice chappy with a suitably unchaste username decided to fling it up for auction on eBay, and one week later it landed in my lap.
Lesson number 1: Though you may like the sound of the book when I eventually get round to telling you about it, acquiring a copy of your own may take some work and a well timed 99 pence bid. While we're at it, the UK RRP is £9.99, and the ISBN is 1860492797.
Now the book. Helen, for this would appear to me to be the name she'd wish to be addressed by, starts off simply. There are a lot of misconceptions out there about the most straightforward things, so what good would a self-help manual on the subject be if it didn't first define lesbianism. And what better way to do that than with a quiz? Because you too might be a lesbian and, honestly, wouldn't you rather know now if so?
With this little matter cleared up, the book continues, addressing some of the most common questions on the subject, for example "Where do lesbians come from?" And, because she has written us a thorough introduction to the subject, Helen tells us the ins and outs of it, and how to do it correctly. So you learn the wrong reasons to be a lesbian, the affliction of the bisexually challenged and social skills (how to politely decline the advances of someone who wouldn't dream of muff diving were she not under the influence of some rather splendid white pills). Then there's the how-to section. Quickly getting how to pick up girls and how to pick up boys out of the way, she, for want of a better phrase, gets down to it with the Do's and Don'ts of sex (Do do it frequently, don't do it with your father's new wife; do do it with someone you strongly desire, don't do it with a man).
And that's it, really. Apart from a couple of 'real life' case studies, the text is a theoretical one about the situations you might find yourself in now you have, after all, finally figured out your lesbianic preferences. Sometimes the truth is told bluntly (sleeping with women unfortunately being a mandatory component of lesbianism), sometimes it is dressed up in a pink frilly dress and a stonking pair black doc martens, but it gets told either way.
I'm not sure if you could find this book offensive, though I'm sure someone could manage to if they were to put their mind to it. I really don't think getting people's backs up was the intent though. Instead, it's a witty, thoughtful, intriguing guide to a perhaps under-documented subject. Or if not under-documented, then at least under-published in the how-to aisle of any bookshop near me. By the end you've given up wondering who does what to whom, partly because you've a very good idea, but partly because the book shows you there is so much more to the subject than that.
The tone of the book changes with each page turn. The minute after you get apparently sage advice on how to appeal to other lesbians you're on to how to pick up married women (tip: the quickest way is invariably through her husband). You're told why hating men is not a suitable reason for going gay, but then why actually all the best lesbians prefer women anyway. This book is exactly the sort I would have loved to have written were I (a) not straight and (b) an expert on my sexual preference. Though some might get off to the wrong foot with it, I found this book fab, and I don't think orientation has anything to do with that. The blurb on the back boasts one reviewer as saying "The straighter you are the more you'll enjoy it", but I think male or female, gay or straight, if you have that type of politically incorrect sense of humour, you'll be in hysterics reading it. It's not an explicit book in many ways - no sordid details of tongues on nipples or fingernails in unmentionable places - and is never going to make you queasy as a certain booby book I reviewed last year might. The book doesn't take itself seriously in the slightest, and so is a welcome change to those dreadful self-help books clogging up the shelves in so many bookshops at the moment. One review I read recommended it for libraries with large gay and lesbian collections but I think that's a bit restrictive. It's the only book currently on my shelf on this topic, but it fits in fine among my Bill Brysons and my William Sutcliffes and Robin Coopers.
Really, really recommended.
And before you start on the comments, yes I can spell, and no, that's not an unintentional typo in the title. But if you smiled at that, you'll laugh out loud at this book.
A book rather than a magazine, I know, but I'm sure you'll forgive me.
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