| Product: |
Ideal Home |
| Date: |
22/11/00 (141 review reads) |
| Rating: |
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Advantages: You can laugh at the catalogue poses the models are standing in
Disadvantages: My mother, her mother, her grandmother and the nextdoor neighbour's cat have seen it all before...
Mrs Smiley-Perfect smiles perfectly as she plumps her floral cushions (hand-painted by authentic foreigners in a foreign country somewhere - available from Snob & Frumps for only £5000!)
"We have always loved this house, and all our friends envy us. Everyone comes here, you know. They wish their homes were as lovely as ours! But they never could be!"
Mr Smiley-Perfect hand-made their lovely dining room furniture from tiny elf-sleighs found in the outer regions of Greenland and specially imported for him. "It's just perfect!" he smiles.
Miss Smiley-Perfect's bedroom is decorated throughout with pure white silk and polar bear's fur. She may only be 3 years old, but that doesn't mean it's not worth spending £600,000 on a room that will stay clean for 2 seconds!
Master Smiley-Perfect looks adoringly at his lovely neo-neo-art-deco-neo-classical-mock-tudour-retro-g eorgian inspired dressing room. It's perfect for him to sit and look at adoringly all day!
Why not turn to page 87 and we'll show you how to create their lovely home in your own hovel? All you need is a few million pounds, nothing to do for a year and a team of skilled workmen to do everything for you! Perfect!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, so I may have exaggerated a little, but not *all* that much, I assure you...
This magazine is depressing reading. It's stuffed full of 'show home' furnishings and plastic looking people.
They smile inanely at eachother and seem to have stepped straight out of 'The Stepford Wives'. It's scary!
The articles, if you can call them that, are bland, unimaginative and so patronising as to infuriate the calmest soul.
These are some snippets from the December 2000 issue:
"This house is ideal for parties!" (Bully for them)
"Our Christmas tree is so huge we lose thing in it!" (I wish th
ey'd climb in)
"Hang a welcoming Christmas wreath on your door!" (Bet nobody's thought of that before...)
"Play favourite music!" (Or that...)
"Organise your household linen!" (How utterly thrilling!)
"Make sure you remember to hang mistletoe!" (Inventive, eh?)
"I Like friends to drop in unannounced...it is so much more relaxing!" (Well this is just plain weird.)
There is nothing new in this magazine, I found it dull and formulaic.
I think it's secretly a handbook for alien beings who want to learn how to pass themselves off as humans here on earth... the only problem being that it seems to have been written by a smug know-it-all alien author. An alien who has flicked through a Laura Ashley catalogue, a Mrs Beeton cookbok and thinks they have disovered how everyone lives (or wants to live).
I really detested the psuedo articles - adverts dressed up to look like they're part of the magazine. The bland models smiled blandly in the same poses, pondering how to wrap presents with Scotch Tape (TM) (just how many times can you work Scotch Tape into an 'article'? Ooh, lots and lots...and it's all so jolly and fun and lovely, too!
This is an actual quote:
"With Scotch Tape Strips it's easier than ever to get smart parcels and creative flourishes with all those ribbons and bows! Even after a glass of wine! Ho, ho, ho - prepare for some pretty slick wrapping tricks..."
Well, the smiley model certainly seemed to be enjoying wrapping up parcels...and so will you, they promise, after reading two bleedin' pages of the drivel.
'Advertisement Promotion' it says at the top of the page... like we couldn't have worked that out for ourselves. The thing that really niggled me was the number of these mind-numbing, coma-inducing 'articleisments'.
Where are t
hese people who live in perfect houses with perfect families who eat perfect food whilst smiling perfectly? I don't know any of them, and I'm certainly not one of the Stepford clan myself.
Are they selling dreams, reflecting real life or pandering to the middle-class wannabes?
So why did I buy this magazine? I asked myself the very same question not five minutes after I'd flicked through and slung it on the floor.
It had a free glittery snowflake ornament.
I know, I know. I *am* ashamed, but there it is.
I also hoped it would give me some decorating ideas, seeing as I've just moved. All it offered was the same old rehashing of things everyone has always done anyway.
I *know* you can put up 'jolly Christmas wreaths' on the front door. I *know* you can hang mistletoe. I realise this magazine isn't supposed to be groundbreakingly orginal and modern, but surely they could come up with something more inspiring?
They proudly proclaim on the front of the magazine that they've been "Committed to excellence since 1902"
I wonder if they remember the date they ran out of ideas?
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