| Product: |
Ideal Home |
| Date: |
10/08/02 (119 review reads) |
| Rating: |
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Advantages: Nice paper
Disadvantages: BOOOOORING
Blimey, what's the old duffer ranting on about now? I can hear you mouthing in the background, well, trust me, treasures, all will become clear later on, but if you can't wait then race to the end and find out what the hell I'm on about...
Ideal Home is apparently "Britain's best-selling decorating magazine", the Consumer Magazine of the Year 2000 (Periodical Publishers Association), Circulation Excellence Award winner 2000 (Association of Circulation Executives) and comes out each month with a cover price of £2.60. Garn, you toffs, you know it's just one example of a coffee table mag for those who have got more time and money on their hands than is really good for them.
It's pitched fair and square at the breed of middle class families who find Ground Force and Changing Rooms so delightful, the DIY best of breed with a plum in their mouths and a hole in their pockets. All the details are taken from the July 2002 edition, the good taste cover of which boasts 537 Editor Approved brilliant new ideas for every room. It also promises real homes full of inspiration, this summer's latest colours, and an extra garden special. Do you really need this sort of thing?
Lisa Allen, the Acting Editor (shock horror, what's happened to the regular editor? Have they been dragged kicking and screaming from the offices of IPC Media Ltd, Oakfield House, 35 Perrymount Road, Haywards Heath, West Sussex RH16 3DH Tel. 01444-445599 or those of the magazine's production team at King's Reach Tower, Stamford Street, London SE1 9LS Tel. 020-7261 6545, with a paint roller in their hand and a wallpaper steamer protruding from their pockets? I really do think we deserve an explanation. How do we know this Allen woman is not a member of Al Quieda, come for our children and our Euros?), kicks off with typically flowery prose in her welcome note: "Rambling wild blackberry bushes, sweet-smelling roses, and ch
erry trees bursting with juicy fruit are all in my garden - somewhere among the weeds and overgrown borders. I dream about spending my evenings and weekends pottering around outdoors, tending, planting and watering; in reality, my outdoor plot is a 'wild haven' or, as my family and friends say, 'the ideal spot for a gardener to get to work on.' So when it came to putting together this month's issue, I was especially keen to ensure that our Garden Special would be packed with inspiration for every green finger level, including those who need a helping hand - myself included - as well as readers who are fortunate enough to have a well-planned plot, complete with established shrubs, borders brimming with colour and a well cared-for lawn. With fabulous real life gardens, straightforward expert advice on everything from buying new garden furniture to planting poppies, and even beautiful gardens to visit, this special section of the magazine has inspired me to get outside and consider how I want my outdoor space to look. I now know there are several areas I can improve straightaway - including how my containers and pots and old butler's sinks can still be spilling over with glorious blooms when I get back home from my two week summer holiday. As far as a complete garden overhaul goes, my mum and brother Matthew will be pleased to hear I'm planning to leave it until next year..."
Got your creative juices going and your love of all things outdoor moving, eh? No, mine neither, and the bit about a two week holiday says it all really, because you know when you come back your grown will either be dead from lack of water or overgrown with bloody dandelions and the hanging baskets will be all brown and unpleasant, cos that's the reality of summer gardens in Blighty, treasures, and this sort of gushing wishful thinking is just so much pap to the average family, even though hundreds of us seem to delight in this particularly pecul
iar pastime.
But this is only the start of the pleasures which the Ideal Home magazine brings us... flick over the page and you can read how to "freshen up with mint green and white- give your scheme a new look with an uplifting combination of soft white and fresh green in cooling shades of spearmint" (Huh, just looks like a load of particularly unimpressive green and cream cushions and mugs, well, whatever takes your fancy, but Leeds United supporters don't generally go in for fetching peppermint schemes, Lisa my dear).
But fear not gentle readers, for you can go on to learn how to "create the perfect summer floral display with a combination of lilies and aspidistra leaves for a designer look" (Buy a couple of pot plants and make an arrangement more like) and will be reassured that "Moroccan looks for the home are popular, but rather than opting for the hot and spicy colours, why not use cooler shades to create a lighter scheme?" (I'm sure Sir Alex Ferguson will be taking note of that one as he ponders Rio's new hairstyle, and how long Forlan will take to net a goal in the Premiership)
This witty badinage could go on all night, but you know it'll only consist of me lifting quotes and then dissing the sentiment behind the magazine, and that will pretty quickly get very boring, don't you think?
Instead, I'll generalise my comments a little more, rather than pick holes in the mag - Ideal Home magazine is very much a Hello! of the DIY field, glorying in the pleasures of all things domestic (gardens, furniture, decorating, leisure), although it does have an interesting couple of pages layman's feature on digital cameras, but if I really want to know I'll buy a specialist computer mag, rather than this generalist drivel.
This mag is aimed exclusively at women and mothers, who revel in home making, and glories in stereotypes. I mean, let's just check out how ma
ny men are photographed in this edition. I counted up (sad loser, that I am) and women came out on top by 55 pictures to 9, and the men that were picked were in stereotypical male roles (business man in his study, student simpering over his chick, man showing little lady how to cook man's food, etc etc).
This sort of thing gets us all a bad name, but I can understand why it was so difficult to get guys to appear in this mag - it's so goddamned dull and tedious, and I bet women only use it to flick through and get ideas (for tortures which they can inflict on their long suffering menfolk - we members of the Male Chauvinist Pig society have a lot to answer for, after all with our enjoyment of football and beer, and you know how little ladies hate to see a man, any man at all, having even a couple of minutes peace or enjoyment to themselves. Get out those dusters and irons, girls, and get us earning our keep around the house...)
The odd thing about this mag is also how perfectly it captures the new way that families speak (apparently). Dig this - "When Alison and Alistair Edwards moved into their Victorian semi 11 years ago, they couldn't afford to rip out the kitchen.
'But after a decade of wear and tear, it got to the stage where the units were falling apart,' explains Alison. 'They were bursting at the seams - plus there was lots more clutter outside them, too.' Top priority for their new kitchen was more storage space, but the couple also wanted a larger eating area for themselves and their 10-year-old daughter, Sophie. 'We decided to remove the non load-bearing wall between the kitchen and the dining room to create an L-shaped kitchen diner,' explains Alison. 'The two areas are now linked by a peninsula unit and the French doors bring in more light.'"
First point, does anyone know anyone who actually talks like that?
Second point, although apparently "we decid
ed", I'd lay odds that old Alistair didn't have much a say in it, poor chap. Imagine any self respecting man wanting to rip out the kitchen and have a larger eating area. For most men, a larger eating area consists of putting a bigger tray on his knees as he settles down with his beans and toast and cup of tea to watch Sky Sports. (Also, note the absence of any photos of poor Alistair or any quotes from the sensitive chap - I bet he's a weak kneed, slack jawed, bespectacled type worn down by the endless nagging of the awesome Alison. You can just see it, can't you? "Alistair, you weakling, are you listening to me? I said we can now afford to rip out the kitchen and sort these ancient units of ours. They really are bursting at the seams and you keep cluttering out everywhere, I fully intend to remove this (non) load-bearing wall in the kitchen unless you stir your stumps with all due haste. ALISTAIR, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" "Yes, dear...")
Alistair sounds like the sort of chap who would secretly yearn for the touch of a cool Laura Ashley fabric about his person (and he'll get plenty of chances to feed his fascination in Ideal Home). Not that there's the slightest bit wrong with a nice swatch of Laura Ashley, I hasten to add. I mean they don't call dave27 a NEW MAN for nothing, of course, my pacemaker and plastic hip joint helped and the 20p bribe was all it took.
PS I told you that I'd come back to it and better late than never...
SMEG is the name of a top of the range maker of ovens, the sort of product all those who bother with Ideal Home magazine drool over with a pretty unhealthy look in their eyes. And there was me thinking that it was just Lister and Rimmer getting a bit near the knuckle. I never knew Craig Charles and Christopher Barrie were closet nouveau riche, but I can belief it of Kryten! The July edition features a lovely double page ad for a
silver SMEG cooker on pages 36-37 (double electric multifunction oven in polished stainless steel with a unique LED analogue clock/programmer - SMEG UK, information line Tel 0870 4424451, Fax 0870 9909337, www.smeguk.com
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