Sex, drugs and party dresses (New Woman)

Name: Shazzy

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Product:	New Woman
Date:	09/11/01 (625 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Better to read this than stare at the walls

Disadvantages: Same old stuff that we've all seen before

I don’t usually read glossy magazines. I’ve tried, but I’m not very good at it. But earlier in the week, in a moment of madness, I bought a copy of New Woman. I’d read one before, a good while ago, and hadn’t been impressed, but of the magazines on offer, it seemed like the better choice. I still haven’t a clue why though.

Let’s look at the front. The attention grabber.

263 Sexy Party Pieces
- 24 designer looks at your price
- 48 pairs of killer party heels
- Glam looks for the dress-phobics

Did that tempt me to buy the magazine? No. I don’t go to parties much and have enough “glam” clothes to keep me going for a while. I don’t need to buy more and don’t care what the designers are saying we should wear now. 0k, let’s take a look inside and see what it’s about. Hmmm…. problem. The pages aren’t all numbered. I’m supposed to be able to find the 24 designer looks on page 136 but I’m blowed if I can find the page. 118’s there, then no numbers until 142. Better count back then. Ah, there it is! But its title inside the magazine is “Champagne style at fizzy wine prices”. Not much consistency there. Did they really want me to read this? Anyway, these affordable styles include a handbag at £225, a top at £120 and trousers at £110. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t find that particularly affordable at all. I’ll be honest though, some of the styles do look good, and the prices aren’t all quite as stiff. Still out of my price range though.

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Next cover story.

“The naughtiest thing you’ll ever do in bed”
Full instructions and props inside!

What? Props inside? Must have a look at that! Quick look through the features index… turn to page 90. This page is actually numbered so was easy enough to find,
but again, the title was completely different to what was advertised on the front and in the index. “I’m very big in Deptford”. Lucky her! So what’s the naughtiest thing I’ll ever do in bed then? Make a dirty movie! That’s it! I’m told that this will be my hottest role ever. So where’s the props? Are they giving away a video camera so that I can get on with the making the movie? Nope, nothing like that. As if. The “props” are cut out moustaches to put on your man, like they have in real porn movies. (Do they? I wouldn’t know…). Anyway, it goes on to explain what you should wear, where you should make the film, the lighting (that bit was actually quite interesting), which background music to use, how to strip off, how to move, what should be in the script (should there be one?) and which angles to shoot from (no pun intended). I’ve read it all. I still think I could’ve figured all that out on my own, but ok, it might help some people realise that there’s nothing wrong with experimenting. That they aren’t “kinky” for thinking of making a private porn movie.

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Next up, “How to work a party”.
Go home with a promotion, bloke and both shoes.

The page is numbered again, so we’re doing well. “Feel funny, gorgeous and popular”. Oh wow! Yes please! Let’s see. This article tells me what I should wear for the various types of parties, be it the office party, the house party or the big nightclub bash. Evidently, it’s important to show lots of cleavage (pity I don’t have much of one, must get one of those wonderbras!), and you must wear comfortable shoes! Good point! There’s nothing worse than not being able to dance because your shoes are killing you. You have to choose between sitting around being a party pooper, or take the shoes off. I suppose that explains why so many of us have
gone home without them (unless they’re put in the freezer. Sorry, private joke – some will understand).

As for getting a promotion at a party, the article takes you through the evening, hour by hour. When to let the boss know who you are, when to chat up the bloke you fancy, when to eat (when you feel hungry?), when to dance and when to leave. I’m sorry, but I have no intentions of every partying to a schedule.

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Attention grabber number 4.
Real life: The receptionist who blew £144k on cocaine

This is the story of a 26 year old woman who blew everything she owned on the one thing she couldn’t get enough of (according to the leader). The story was ok, but I felt I’d read it too many times before. There are some facts about cocaine, like how it makes you feel, what it does to your body etc., along with “The weird, weird world of cocaine”. Did you know that Shakespeare is said to have smoked it?

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Next up: Tamzin! “I’m still trying to work out what’s happening in my love life myself”.

Aren’t we all? It’s nice to know I’m not alone though.

This is the usual celebrity interview thing. Tamzin Outhwaite, who plays Mel in Eastenders, tells us how it feels to be a sex symbol (why do they have to rub it in?) and how she feels more capable of looking after herself on the street after training for her new film. Unless you’re a fan and lap up everything the lady has to say, it’s not really that interesting, although she does come across as being a pretty down to earth woman.

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The Naked Survey
16 people. No clothes. 1 question. Who’s sexy?

As if we don’t have enough fixation on body shape already, off they go and plaster 16 people on their pages, and ask the opposite sex who’s sexy. None of the women look anything like me though. Why are there no big bumm
ed girls here? The female side of it seems to be mostly concentrated on boob size. Tiny boobs, big boobs. Heavy boobs, perky boobs. Who’s to say which are sexy? There’s somebody for everyone isn’t there?

The whole article seems very patronising to me. “She’s got the shape of a milk bottle and she’s about the same colour” and “he’s too weedy for me, and has no colour”. Given the amount of people, and we aren’t only talking teenagers here, that have problems with their body image, this sort of thing really isn’t necessary. It’s shallow to use body shape alone to judge how sexy a person is. There’s so much more to it than that.


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Next up: Look beautiful in 5 minutes!
Four perfect evening faces you can do at your desk

Oh come on! They haven’t seen me! Beautiful in 5 minutes? I’m beautiful as I am. Why put on a face? No, I’m not that vain. Really, I’m not.

This article takes you step-by-step through the art of applying make-up quickly. It tells you what you’ll need to have handy in your desk, and how to plan ahead for those 5 minutes you’ll have to spend in the loo, doing what’s necessary to look glam. The “workplace princess” look should only take 3 minutes! Funny really. I’m quite certain that I couldn’t look like the bird in the photo in 3 hours, let alone 3 minutes. My skin isn’t anywhere near as perfect as hers, her lips are shaped differently to mine, as is just about everything else. Could be disappointing for anybody who truly believes they’ll look like a photo model if they just buy the right cosmetics, pop them in the desk drawer, and then spend 3 minutes in the loo at the end of the day.

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Oh, my God. It’s Helen!
Her guide to Christmas party glitter!

I don’t need to tell you which Helen we̵
7;re talking about here do I? There’s surely only one Glitter Queen!

Helen’s glitter masterclass takes you through the art of causing a twinkle, from glittering up your fingernails, to using vaseline to stick loose glitter on your skin. I’ve never tried, but the vaseline idea didn’t appeal to me. I’d hate to be sticky and slippery with bits of rough glitter stuck all over me. Call me boring if you like, but there you go. It isn’t for me.

There’s also an interview with Helen. Same old questions as you’ve all heard before. Has she been to Gucci yet? No. What does Paul think of the glitter obsession? He thinks it’s funny.

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So that’s the cover. Nothing there that really grabbed my attention. But what else is inside?

A whole bunch of adverts. Mostly advertising perfume, with a sprinkling of cosmetics and jewellery. It’s amazing that there’s a market for so many different perfumes.

There are other articles though.

A tribute to New York - celebs offer their view of the city.

The New Woman Betting Game - teaches you how to turn your office into Ladbrookes.

106 perfect pressies - of course, it’s almost Christmas.

Made it in Britain - the stories of three women who escaped terror in their homelands to make a new life here. This was actually quite interesting. It’s always nice to read about somebody who made something of themselves, despite the odds against them,

Don’t forget your broomstick! – teaches you spells for hooking the man of your dreams, making people be nice to you, helping you to get over him, dumping him nicely and getting the job you want. So now I know. Should I ever need to dump a bloke, I have to write his name on a piece of paper, roll it up and tie a pebble to it with white wool, say an incantation, then slowly unwrap the wool as I visualise him walking hap
pily away from me. That simple! No broken hearts! Everybody’s happy. Hmmph!

Get stuffed! – Yes, this is the old “how to roast a turkey” thing. I’ve seen this in every magazine I’ve ever bought during the months of November/December and still can’t roast a decent turkey, so I didn’t even bother to look at it.

Sex Aid. Enjoy rumpy-pumpy with a hangover! – A group of positions that are supposed to be “easy on the head”. Blimey! What do people usually do then? Bounce their partners head first on the floor or hang upside down from the chandeliers? Evidently, if you’ve got a throbbing, pounding head (yes, I know, I thought of that too), the backward fling is the thing to do. There’s a position for those who feel whiffy all over (get in the shower), one for those with overwhelming nausea (why would you want sex when you feel like throwing up?), one for those with smelly breath (oh for goodness sake – go away!) and one for those with the shakes. I’ve got a better solution. Brush your teeth and read auldmac’s op on hangover cures. Wait a bit, and then go for the bedroom romp once the hangover’s gone.

Now all this may sound somewhat negative and unbalanced, but to be honest, I didn’t really find much that interested me here. New Woman is obviously aimed at younger women (I’m 41, for those who don’t already know) and even then, at a certain group. At a guess, I’d say the career girl that spends most of her salary on clothes and cosmetics and enjoys sex but is afraid to try anything that wasn’t in the manual. She’s probably between 22 and 28 and is more concerned with her visual image than her personality. But then that’s what it all seems to be about these days.

I wouldn’t buy it again. I might read it in the doctor’s waiting room, but only if I’d forgotten to take a book.

>Oh, and I can’t tell you who publishes it, who the editor is or anything along those lines, because the print on that page is too small and I can’t remember where I put my reading glasses.


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