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Hi peeps, the old Deanster returns with what is probably going to be my penultimate review (only need 2 more to cash in point you see). I thought that seeing as the weather has been p*ssing me right off over the past couple of months that I'd give my overview of what's good and what's bad in each of the weather seasons. The four seasons: Spring: What's good about Spring: Well for starters, the coming (not sexually) of spring heralds a total change of landscape, flowers pop up from their wintery hibernation holes, trees change colour and look like someone has just wiped a mass of crispy dead bogeys all over their branches and inevitably the weather becomes warmer. So what can possibly be bad about spring? Hmmm? Well, Easter for one thing, everywhere you go there is some little fluffy yellow chick surrounded by mini eggs staring at your face sending thought waves into your brain 'buy me, I'm only £3.99' There is just no escape from the hoards of easter eggs that constantly chase you from here to eternity and the squeaky little brats with their mums and dads wailing and crying for 'one of each type' Why are kids so bloody greedy? You buy them one of each and they only eat one, period (no guys, not that type of period) You are then left to scoff the rest yourself and pile on five stone. Summer: What's good about summer: The weather becomes hot and sticky and browns off your skin to a nice golden colour (unless you spend too long outside in which case you look like a used tampax). The ice cream man comes out of hiding to serve you overpriced icy snacks direct to your door and everyone gets to go on holiday, waheey! There can't be anything wrong with summer now can there? Bollox, summer is the worst of all seasons in my eyes, the weather gets hot, so bloody hot that you can hardly breath, you wake up in the mornings smelling like a used s
ock and dripping in sweat whilst your breathing turns into a gasping wheeze. You go to the window to suck in some air and instead a nest of flies cascade down your throat almost choking you to death. Sure, they are full of protein but considering that their last meal was your next door neighbour's pit bull terrier's old turd, kind of takes away the glamour of putting a bit of protein into your body. You spend a fortune on sun block and chilled drinks and spend half the summer chasing and killing 9 ft long spiders and insects that take up residence in your home. Autumn: What's good about Autumn: The season of Autumn rocks, the weather cools down to a bearable temperature and the bugs and insects p*ss off into hibernation, the trees turn brown and the landscape changes yet again. A cooling breeze swirls around the dead and dying leaves leaving a golden cosy feel to the surroundings. What's bad about Autumn? Autumn brings about the conker season and everywhere you go, little 12 year old boys are walking around as if they are Adolph Hitler because they have just destroyed some other lads prize conker. And that pesky advert from the 80's always sticks in my head 'A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat, a finger of fudge is just enough, it's very small and neat, it's full of Cadbury goodness...' Waaaa! Autumn also brings about the Halloween and Bonfire Night scenario's where you are constantly robbed of your sweets and cash by young kids knocking at your door threatening to put your windows through if you don't give them some cash. Winter: What's good about Winter: Well, winter has lots of ups and downs, the fact that it's f*!%ing freezin all the bloody time can be good and bad. You can wrap up warm in thick clothes and a quilt in front of the fire and toast away nicely without ever having to overheat. Then there's t
he sno w, for some reason the snow always cheers me up, everything always looks so clean and fresh after a thick downpour of snowflakes. Sledding is one thing in winter I always love to do, flying at 60MPH down a huge hill into someone's prized fence is always a good thing. (unless it's your fence) Winter's bad points: It's F***ING F F FREEZING! Need I say anymore? Wind, rain and hail always seem to pelt into your mush no matter which way you are facing, you can walk backwards and the stuff still gets you in the face. You arrive home looking like you have severe measles and your hair resembles the mullet worn by Kate Bush in the seventies. Your heating bills, Ready Brek and Heinz soup purchases double and treble as you struggle to keep your house and body warm and then Chrimbo arrives to rob you of even more cash. Well, 'Weather' you agree or disagree with any of my points, I hope at least one thing in there tickled your bones. Above all, you only live once, so enjoy it to the max whilst it's there. Tek care yall. Deano!