At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept wondering about the nagging aching - in my side;
But I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how it felt so wrong
But I grew strong
once I'd had some....Movicol

And so I'm back.. not constipated
You just walked in to find me here with deep concentration on my face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second you'd bust back in on me

Quick now, Go! run out the door!
Just turn around now
before you pass out on the floor
Weren't you the one who tried to help me with good pies
Did I rumble,
Is my motion a surprise?

Oh no, not.I....I will survive
Oh as long as I can poop I know I'll stay alive;
I will survive. Hey hey.

The review
*********
Ok, so when you get to a certain age, from time and time your body doesn't process things like it does when you are but a svelte young whipper snapper. You might get a little bit of a back log and the first time it happens it can be a little worrying.

So you trundle off to the doctor's and of course it has to be a young female doctor because old fat doctors don't exist when you have a slightly embarrassing illness. You go in with a sore throat, old fat doctor. You go in with a migraine, old thin doctor with no teeth and a gimp leg. But the second you turn up glued to a sheep or with any kitchen implement in your backside of course they roll out the supermodel.

So she prods your belly and pushes here with a spoon and whacks a bit there with a ping-pong paddle and then tells you that you are a little bit constipated....thanks for the news flash.

I turn up at the chemist and sheepishly hand over my prescription, trying to look casual with a look that says,......."this is for my grandma and I don't even like her that much but my mother made me collect this".

...If you have ever tried to do this look, you will know it's mostly in the way you tense your eyebrows.... which ironically if you overstep it will make you look like you are constipated.

Anyway, the Doc has kindly written me a prescription for a months course, each box contains twenty 13.8g sachets and I have four boxes.....BIG boxes, in a carrier bag.

The big red letters press through the thin plastic of the Tesco bag which now reads TESCO..... underlined with only slightly obscured MOVICOL and the Tesco motto, "Every Little Helps". Brilliant!, not to mention I have enough of the stuff to unblock a team of horses.

So with the help of several strong men, I get the stuff back to my car and distribute it evenly in the boot so that the suspension doesn't get damaged and I drive home.

The dosage information is helpful, I am to take 1-3 sachets per day or for long term use 1-2 sachets. But if I would like to go for something that is worryingly called "Faecal Impactation" which sounds reassuringly decisive, I should take a massive EIGHT sachets.

Since I was not actually looking to tear a hole in the very fabric of space and time, I opted for 1 - 3 Sachets and the powder is simply dissolved into 125ml of water. It tastes mildly like lemon and lime and provides;

65 mmol/l of sodium
53 mmol/l of chloride
17 mmol/l of bicarbonate and
5.4 mmol/l of potassium.

The doctor told me it might take a few days to kick in, so I went about my business waiting until the time....I could....go about my business.

Two days and nights passed, the rain lashed against the window and I waited impatiently for the signs. I had a few false alarms although there was no movement, I noticed that the intensity and tunefulness of my gassy expulsions had increased and it was in fact halfway through a tuneful rendition of "somewhere in the night" that the first rumblings of something promising began...

Have you ever seen a movie where a nuclear explosion goes off and for the first second there is just a second of light and overwhelming silence before the shockwave hits with an almighty crash and then music reaches and impossible crescendo maybe "Hallelujah" in a C-minor with great power and a rush of emotion?

I had such a moment of complete and utter joy and relief where all my worries, figuratively and literally rushed out of me and it was a wonderfully beautiful moment.

Oh Movicol, Oh movicol
With your very fitting vowels.
With an Ohh, I-IIIII, Ohhh
You opened up my bowels.

This product is fantastic when you need a little help with your processing, It took about two weeks for me to get back to normal but it does what it says on the Sachet and I would recommend it heartily.

In fact I have a box and a half left if you come across a distressed horse or two.

JP