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Not enough people in the UK give blood. Do you? I could go on about the benefits of giving blood to save peoples lives, but hey we all know that saving lives is a good thing so I won't harp on. I could also go on about how easy it is to actually give blood, after all it only takes about half an hour of your time and isn't a bit sore, but we all know how easy it is already. I could lecture on and on to try to guilt trip you into giving by using the same old arguments about you / your kid / your partner / parent / friend needing blood to save their life, that old "you might rely on someone else so you really should be that someone else for, err, someone else" - but you know that too so I won't nag. In short we all know its a good thing to give blood and we should if we possibly can, so I'll leave it up to your own conscience. I won't nag at all, all I ask is that you consider the following and ask yourself if you can do any more to help. It was on the news today that anyone who has themselves received a blood transfusion will no longer be able to donate blood due to the risk of the human form of BSE being passed. That means that somewhere between 5% and 20% of current donors will not be able to continue donating. That will leave a big hole in an already stretched service. The only way to address this shortfall is for more donors to come forward, and for existing ones to make sure they go as regularly as permitted. The points I'd ask you to consider are: If you are a donor - Have you been recently? Do you make sure you go at least three times per year? Have you ever thought about trying to get even just one of your non-donating relatives/friends to go along with you? If you are able to give but don't - Please think about why you don't and reconsider. If you are unable to donate - You can still do your bit by trying to convince your family/friends that they should go along. Everyone can do something to help. One day you might be very grateful that you did. It really is up to you.
Q: When did you join dooyoo? A: A year prior to the terrible disaster at the World Trade Centre in NYC people were looking on the date 9/11 with dread - that is people from the dooyoo site! I first joined on 9/11/2000. I got myself lost in the Welsh Mountains for a while then found it again quite recently while searching google for warthog recipes. I'll most probably wander of again soon though, the old place is deader than that damned warthog. _______________________________ Q: How did you discover dooyoo? A: I trekked across mountain and valley, river and sea. Swam through crocodile infested swamps and crawled through the pits of hell. I survived encounters with cannibals and double glazing salesmen and eventually found dooyoo in a cave near the Mongolian border. Either that or I really can't remember but probably came across it through a search on google. Not for warthogs though, I only got the warthog recently. _______________________________ Q: Why did you join? A: On a whim? Because I was bored? Because I wanted to inform the good people of Britain of the relative merits of product X? All of the above, or none of them? I don't really remember, I suppose I thought it could be a bit of harmless fun writing some opinions. Had the question been "Why did you stay?" the short answer would have been to donate miles to charity. For very little effort (seven reviews) I quickly earned £38 for charity. I had some fun and charities benefitted, it was a win win situation. Except for the poor readers. _______________________________ Q: What was your very first opinion on ? A: My Top 10 Christmas Wishlist, well it was the season of goodwill so I thought I ;'d get away with it. My title was "Half a crocodile" - they said to make the title short and snappy. That review has over 200 member reads, does anyone remember those glorious days? _______________________________ Q: Did you find it easy to get the hang of dooyoo? A: 76 feet of industrial rope and I still couldn't get the bollix by the neck. I ended up coshing it with a metal bar and drowning it at water.com. It did seem a bit easier in those days though, before the redesign. Why do these people try to make things better and end up making them worse? Like quavers, you never get those very thin flavoury ones now. ________________________________ Q: Did you read other opinions before you posted your first one? A: I did, I did. Quite a few. There were some really good writers way back then. I can't remember which ones I read but looking back it seems the first one I read was homeshopping.co.uk by loulou6. ________________________________ Q: Do you write no/some/many comments? A: I don't often have much to say so I don't often comment. I'm shy. Too shy to answer this question more fully. _______________________________ Q: When you click on the list of Newest Reviews, do you read your friends' opinions no matter what they're on/according to subject no matter who has written on it/preferably the opinions of new writers? A: I don't have any friends at dooyoo so I just read whatever takes my fancy. I'm unloved, boohoo to dooyoo. I just read a few that take my fancy, or all of them, depends how I feel (and I've been told I feel rather cuddly). ________________________________ Q: Do you write your opinions in one sitting? A: A re you kidding? I'd fade away to a mountain. I write a few words, have a pie, write some more, have a pot noodle, have some crisps, write more, go to the pub, have a kebab and come home and finish off. ________________________________ Q: How often do you post a new opinion? A: This is opinion number 14 so on average about once every three months or whatever, I can't be bothered working it out exactly. If I was making more money for charities I'd maybe post more opinions, but that's down to the readers not the writer. ________________________________ Q: Do you use a spell check? A: Horn of frog, wing of goat, tail of cabbage, root of stoat. My spells are perfect. I turned my car into a street today. ________________________________ Q: Do you think you can improve your chances to get a crown if you suck up to a guide? A: I have no time for sucking, just get it chewed and down the hatch as soon as to make room for more. Sucking sucks. I don't even know who the guides are so sucking up would be hard anyway, I'd rather suck a fishermans friend. As long as the fishermans friend didn't mind of course. ________________________________ Q: Are you a member of a forum or a chat room? A: No. I joined a chat site for dooyoo way back but it was a bit silly so I didn't hang around. ____________________________________ Q: Does it get to you when members praise or condemn you? A: I really couldn't care less what other people thought. My writing is there to be enjoyed by those who enjoy it and hated by those who hate it. I won't change anyway so I'm not going to worry about what people say. It seems to me that many members take this writing malarkey too seriously. D ;udes, it should be fun and if it stops being fun go and find something that is. You're a long time dead. ____________________________________ Q: What did you do in your spare time before you joined dooyoo? A: I ate lots. ____________________________________ Q: What do you wish for the future? A: World peace and a lottery win and stuff? Or for dooyoo? For dooyoo I wish for more people to read reviews and make it worthwhile again. ____________________________________ If you want to participate, please add: Please don't take this challenge to ciao without asking MALU, she'd rather decide herself what to do with a text she's written, when to take it there or if at all. Thank you.
We all know the script, sitting round the Christmas tree, stuffed full of turkey and chipolatas, presents opened, port flowing freely when someone suggests putting on that old christmas album. We sit and smile at the perfect christmas portrayed by our favourite songs and sigh contentedly. We're dreaming of a white chrstmas with Bing, seeing mummy kissing santa claus, throwing empty beer cans at the stereo when Cliff gives it misletoe and wine. We're wishing it could be christmas every day, letting it snow with Dean, and joining slade in wishing everybody a merry christmas. Later on as we start to get a bit sentimentally pissed on the port we may shed a little tear or two over Mud's Lonely This Christmas, have a weep at Wham's Last Christmas, or ponder the story told by the pogues and kirsty mccoll in the fabulous Fairytale of New York. But what of the Christmas songs that never made it into common knowledge? The ones that failed to get passed by the censors? They do exist, but I'm sure you have never heard them. The following are six of my all-time favourites. It's hard to convey melodies in writing so for the main part I'll just give the title and a brief description of what the song is about: # First up is the sad tale of the night santa was clocked doing twice the speed of light in a 30mph zone and lost his sleigh licence. It is titled "Pull over Beardy" and the first verse goes something like this: "Pull over Beardy, you're gonna get done I've clocked you for speeding with my radar gun Step out of the vehicle and get into mine You were speeding you know, did you not see the sign?" He was eventually given a two year ban, a £750 fine and ordered to re-sit his test. # "Daddy ruined our christmas" is a sad tale of how three young kids were seriously disillusioned when their father, late on Christmas Eve, had an accident whilst getting the presents down f rom the loft. He fell through the ceiling and dropped a Playstation II on the head of his youngest son who consequently ended up in A&E with suspected concussion. The Playstation was broken and Argos refused to replace it. The kids are spending this Christmas in Tenerife with their mum and their new 'uncle'. # While pulling Santa's sleigh over France a fox bit poor old Blitzen on the hoof. "The Rabid Reindeer" tells the story of how he started foaming at the mouth over Spain, bit off Donner's (Mmmmm, donner........) tail over North Africa and eventually had to be put down by an all night vet in New Zealand. The antlers were apparently sold for £3600 on ebay. # "Elfie the lazy shoplifter" is, as you may have guessed, a disturbing song about how an elf had failed to meet his production targets by Christmas Eve and so went on a shoplifting spree in Big W. He was caught on cctv and chased by three Store Detectives but never caught. The song suggests he is in hiding in Brazil but no one knows for sure. # Global polution laws outlaw reindeer farts over the polar icecaps so Santa is forced to relocate to a council flat in Birmingham. "Spaced out santa" is the story of how he gets caught up with a group of 'undesirables' on the estate and eventually becomes hooked on heroin. # Last up we have the Scottish entry which tells the tale of how a senile Santa gets confused about his sexuallity. It is titled "Santa - I wantit ye doon ma lum, but ye stuck it up ma bum". The lyrics for this one are, unfortunately, unsuitable for inclusion on dooyoo so I better not say any more. So there they are, my fave Christmas songs that never made it. What do you mean you think I am just making them up? Not me. Never! Perhaps there are some that you know that I have never heard? Do let me know about them in my comment box :o) [Chubs 2003]
I spotted someone writing on this challenge earlier (thanks to majorb) and thought well why not (or more to the point I couldn't be bothered looking for a category to write in for myself so I took the lazy option. Again.) _______________________________ q: how many times a year do you travel? A. See the answer below. Goodness, these challenges can be challenging when two answers overlap. _______________________________ q: for how long do you go away? A. As long as possible, (read: until the taxman has forgotten about me!). Usually two weeks in summer, one in winter and a few weekenders. Do drunken nights in the hotel-de-local-coppers count? _______________________________ q: do you stay in your home country or do you go abroad? A. When you are my size it is perfectly possible for most of me to remain in the UK while a part is actually visiting another country! My belly has been spotted in Iceland, Ireland, France and Norway. Denmark reported a total eclipse in 2001 but it was really my butt blocking the sun. Don't tell them though. _______________________________ Q: Do you organise your holidays yourself or do you go to a travel agency? See the following answer because I'm too lazy to answer this one. And they have overlapped again. _______________________________ Q: Do you prepare your holidays in advance by reading guidebooks and studying maps? A. The internet is a wonderful tool for planning a holiday. Online guides outline the best places to eat and drink. You get an idea of the type of talent that goes there and whether it attracts the eye-candy that a man of my needs, erm, needs. You can book it cheaper yourself online too. Travel agents are surplus to modern requirements. _______________________________ Q: Do you travel alone/with family or friends/with an organised group? A. Is there anythin g in the whole world more annoying than other people on holiday with you? You want to go here, they there. You want to drink, they don't. You want to eat, they don't. You want to relieve the horrors of the holiday tummy and they are hogging the loo. Misery. The only way to travel is alone. ______________________________ Q: Do you prefer the sea / mountains / plains / cities as destinations? OK, a real answer. I prefer the mountains. Honestly. Fresh air, no light pollution, no noise, no crowds. Bliss. That's what a holiday should be all about. I blend in with the backdrop well too!! __________________________________ Q: Do you mainly relax or are you an active holidayer? Oh, active. I walk to the hotel restaurant at least eight times per day. I even make a point of going to the bar for my own drinks. I played darts on one holiday but it was too hot to complete the game - I'd like to see Spanish darts players playing in the snow - I bet they wouldn't laugh at me then! __________________________________ Q: If you go abroad do you learn at least some words of the foreign language? A. Beer. More beer. Loads more beers. Lottssa morrrse beerses. Kebab. _________________________________ Q: Are you interested in the cuisine of a foreign country? A. Ha. Ha ha ha ha. And once again HA. Of course I am, I am interested in ANY cuisine! Greek kebabs, Indian curries, Chinese, tapas, fajitas, frogs dogs and hogs. I'd try anything once and most things as often as possible. _________________________________ Q: Which means of transportation do you prefer? A. A crane is usually required to transport me to the seaside where 64 dingys are inflated under me and a fleet of barges hire to tow me abroad. I've only ever been harpooned once, but I did find a family of Belgians camping out in my chesthair a few years back. _____________________ ____________ Q: What kind of luggage do you take with you? Have you got problems packing? Do you tend to take too many / too few things with you? A. I take about nine suitcases. One for underwear, one for socks...etc. I used to pack it all into one big trunk but I ended up suffocating the poor elephant. ___________________________________ Q: Do you send picture postcards to your family and friends? A. Only to annoy and rile them. I love those naff "carry on film" type cards. "When I was a girl?Falsies Meant Teeth" that sort of thing always gives me a giggle. I've no idea why though!
It's the answer a million footy fans have been looking for, and now my friends I am about to put them out of their misery. Yes, you've guessed it - or you probably haven't if truth be told but that line always looks good - it was me, yes it was. I ate all the pies! Some people are whiners, I'm a diner. Some are tanners, I'm a scranner. Some are voters, I'm a bloater, and a voter too because it's important to use your vote. It's me though, I like my nosh, I'm a fat blobber and I'm happy with that. Why shouldn't I be? I might be carrying a few extra pounds but I'm fit enough to play footy most sunday mornings (even with the mother and father and aunty and cousin of all hangovers), I feel great (anyone who doesn't believe me is welcome to have a feel!!) and many of the ladies seem to love my more portly personage. I'm a cuddly big fella. If my weight becomes a problem that starts to affect any aspect of my life then I'll address that problem if need be. But I'll tell you what, you won't catch me trying to lose weight to suit anyone else, no siree. Kate Moss lookylikeys can't be any more healthy than me surely. Undernourished skelfs. The media would have us believe that skinniness is godliness, but I ain't biting that one (one of the few things I wouldn't bite!). Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all and good health needn't be dependent on weight. If you are overweight, or underweight, and it is causing you genuine misery or health problems then by all means go and see a dietician and see if you can improve your lifestyle. But if it isn't causing you problems then don't fret over it. If you are happy and healthy then why change to fall into line with society expectations, particularly when the vast majority of our society don't have the expectations that you might think they have. I'll finish up now because I'm go ing to have a slice of nice tasty bread with some shredded cabbage, onions, tomato and cucumber. Oh, and a nice little bit of lamb. Yes it does sound healthy and it does seem to contain a few portions of what is good for us. And I'll tell you something else, I'm fairly gonna enjoy that large donner kebab!! [Chubs 2003]
Pot noodles take aggggeeeessssss to make. The quicker I can get that water boiled and into the pot of delicious plastic noodles the sooner I can be slurping them down my fat throat. I need a fast kettle, it's essential. The prima PGK300 is one fast son of a boiler. The fastest I've ever had. It isn't plastic, it isn't metal, it's made of glass, it's a seethrough kettle. Great quality that is, seethroughness in a kettle, it means the chubster can see at a glance if it needs more water - and that means countless wasted sink journeys avoided. It looks like one cool dude of a boiling device too. "Oh oh oh I'm on fire" it seems to sing as the orange backlight illuminates the boiling water. Sooooperb. A 360 degree rotation means that either lefthanders or righthanders can use it to make me a quick cup-a-soup and it can sit anywhere in the kitchen comfortably. It holds 1.5 litres of water, enough for plenty noodle snacks. It's cordless as well if that makes any odds to you. Any more to say about a kettle? I think not, do you? OK it might be a bit expensive at about £35 notes a go, but well worth it for a cool-looking fast-boiling easy-to-use piece of kitchen magic. [Chubs 2003]
The first time I heard anyone saying "Jack Russells" I thought they were speaking about the annoying bloke with the big pack of crisps who always sits beside me in the cinema. That was to change the day I met my Brandy for the first time. Brandy was to become a great friend and comfort to me over the years, and I'll never forget the first time we met. Sorry, you think Brandy was my Jack Russell? No my friend, Brandy is an alcoholic drink (and a damn fine one it is too). That first night on the Brandy my mate happened to mention that his bitch had given birth to a litter of pups, and he asked if I would like him to give me one - a puppy of course, I'm not that way inclined, cheeky! Never one to pass up the offer of a free grub-up - there's nowt as tasty as a hotdog made from real dog nestled between two halves of a bloomer* - I accepted his kind offer. In my blazing drunk state I never actually considered what it would mean to own a JRT (Jack Russell Terrier, for the abbreviationally challenged among you). Small dog, big job. Fast Forward about two months: Knock Knock "here's your dog" "what dog?" "the one you promised to take when we were down the boozer" "whuh?" "you said you would take one of my JRT pups, you sounded well into it" "arghhhhh" So, never one to go back on a promise - not that I'm ever onto a promise these days - I welcomed the puppy into my home, into my life, into my heart and into my bloomer*! I also learned quickly that I had welcomed his little presents into every room in the house, I had welcomed his night-time howls, I had welcomed his disgusting puppy farts, I had welcomed vets bills and obedience training bills, I had welcomed hairy sofas and chewed shoes. I named him Randy, partly after Brandy and partly I now believe, due to a premonition of his other little "hab it". Yes, Randy was a "humper", no leg was safe when he was around. JRT's were originally bred for hunting, and Randy still had that instinct. One sight of a smaller animal and he was off after it faster than you could scoff a kebab. He chased them all - cats, rats, bats or fats (yes he even chased me!). The really serious part :o( JRT's are very lively dogs that need a lot of excerise. They do not appreciate being locked up in a house all day and really do need to be allowed to run around as much a possible. These guys also have big appetites for small dogs. Obviously each individual will have a different metabolic rate, but you can be sure they will eat more than most equivalent sized mutts. The other thing about food is they tend to eat just about anything. Randy liked curry, spag bol, soup, beer and especially chocolate, his least favourite thing was real dog food. There are three types of JRT, short haired, long haired and somewhere in between. All types tend to cast quite a lot of hair. They are very loyal dogs and make great companions, but remember they are instinctive hunters. If you annoy a JRT it will snap, so these are not the best doggies to have around small children. Technical Specifications: Size - Small enough for 'yappy' status, big enough to bite sorely. Colour - Mainly white with black and/or tan patches (especially when you overcook them*). Legs - Four 'Queen Ann' style legs. Tail - Cropped/chopped/snipped or whatever is the technical name for "a vet stung me for a wedge to cut the %&*$%£'s tail off". Taste - A bit like chicken*. Likes - Humping legs, chasing smaller animals, sniffing other dogs bums. P.S. Randy is still going strong, although I no longer have him. My job means I am often away from home for long periods and I didn't have the time to devote to him. He is with a new owner and I still see him from ti me to time. * The hotdog thing was a joke, a sick one granted, but a joke nonetheless :o) [Chubs 2001]
Lager. Lag + er. And I'll tell you what my friends, this one certainly lags behind and is best left to 'er indoors. Before I tell you about this beast which exists only to sully the good name of lager I must say how tickled I am (in my bestestest Ken Dodd accent) - a lager category at last. Now all we need is a kebab section and we're rockin' and a rollin' into Chubstersville. So back to the job in hand, and believe me when I say you don't want to have one of these jobs in your hand far less down your neck. Body : about as full bodied as Kate Moss. Taste : like water with the flavouring removed. Origin : Australia ['nuff said]. Alcohol Content : minimal [is that a small animal?]. Colour : no. Smell : slight whiff like an old beer mat. Sozzle factor : 1/10. As Eric Idle once sang "always look on the bright side of life", and luckily there is a bright side to this liquidized joke. If you so desire you can actually drink about three times as much of this stuff as a REAL lager. That means for me that I can have 45 cans of it before I start telling local lamposts "yer me besshy mate sho yer arrrr". In summary if you want to drink a lager, don't bother with this. It is tasteless, watery, almost alcohol free, and a waste of good skulling time. On the other hand if you are a wimp who wants to look tough then this is your man, you'll be skulling these boys back all night as people marvel at your humungous grog capacity. Multiple toilet trips are included in the price - and to be honest that is the best place for it ;-) [Chubs - 2001]
Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream (bung, bung, bung, bung) Make it a sander like I’ve ever seen (bung, bung, bung, bung) Some people dream of lazing on a sunny idyllic island, or owning a gorgeous sports car, or winning the lottery, or even world peace. Your humble narrator 'The Chubster' wakes in the middle of the night with over-excitment through dreams of labour saving devices. And believe me when I say that the B&D orbital job is a dream indeed for a lazy big so-and-so like me :-) Okily dokily my fellow dooyoosers I know you are really itching to get right down to business here and see the sexy specifications for this miracle of modern DIY science. Here we go now, hold onto the edge of your seat as I take you on a journey to orbital sanding heaven and back again. Manufacturer: Black & Decker Model: #RO100 Power: 2.0 amps Orbits/Min: 12,000 Price: (see further down) (next part unashamedly snaffled from the B&D website) * Ergonomic palm grip design with dual gripping area sprovides added comfort and control * Built-in pad brake prevents gouging * 5" 8-hole Velcro paper attachment system provides for fast, easy and reusable paper changes * Built-in 2 way dust collection system (bag or vacuum) for a cleaner work environment *Powerful high performance motor reduces vibration and extends tool life * Internally and externally dust sealed switch for extended product life (end of snaffle) Stop, rewind to the price bit for a sec. Well, between you and me I don't actually know how much these cost new. You see, I 'aquired' this from my mate [lets call him 'Steve because that is really his name]. Steve swears that it was straight up, bankrupt stock, it wasn't him guv'nor, and I believe him ["chuckle from the Chubster"]. You'll be wanting to know a bit about why I chose this particular sander dear reader. Well actually I needed a sander and Steve had one, so the dirty deed was done and a deal struck. Of far more importance is 'is it any bleedin good?'. Well in a word YEAH. I used it to sand a banister and the lounge skirting board and the whole job was finito in less that an hour, even although I am partial to the occasional snack while I work. This baby purrs like it is on 'Top Gear' [what I mean is that it doesn't make much noise], it has a little dust bag at the back to collect all that nasty irritant dusty particle stuff, and even the sanding sheets last for ages and ages and ages ad infinitum. It is comfortable to hold and it has the added bonus of having a slight vibrating motion, so if you wrap the flex around your middle you can use it as a slimming aid [warning - don't try this at home. The Chubster is a professional slimmer (!) and is fully trained in all vibratory slimming techniques]. Well, that's about all I can really say about a sander. I would say 'BUY IT NOW' but that just looks so naff at the end of a dooyoo review. Oh my, I just said it, doh! Ah, and one last thing. My mate Steve says he still has eight score of these to get rid of, if you want one you can mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org [Chubs 2001]
Just what is a 'rol' and why would anyone want one as a pet? As a rather lazy big chappie, walking anywhere is never my preferred option. I would rather jump into the car (well sqeeze myself into it slowly really) whenever I need to go out. You know like the times when the pizza delivery boy is having a night off, or when the chocolate supplies run out in the middle of the night (woo, thank god for all-night garages). On the other hand we have to think not only of ourself (or ourselves in my case since I make up for at least three people in size). The government do need to raise taxes by some method, we are steadily using up all of the earths natural resources such as oil (I dread the day they start rationing chip oil!), and protests like we have seen are never really a good solution. All things considered, I would much rather live here and put up with the high prices than live in France and have some bloke that whiffs of garlic stinging me for three of four of my hard-earneds every time I drive onto a motorway or over a bridge. Being a bit on the unhealthy side I would rather pay more for things like petrol to finance our health service for when I inevitably need to make us of it (bed shortages are no good when you need two like I do). If the protests work and the government is forced to lower taxes where will it all end? Next thing we will see will be me and my mates down picketing the local kebab shop for cheaper donners, or pensioners picketing the shoe shops until the price of those ridiculous brown shoes is lowered. Yeah dudes, the price of petrol is too high for sure. But the alternatives suck even more. Higher income tax, or more underfinanced public services. No money to spend on the roads, tax on kebabs, who knows where it would all end? Keep the tax as it is - but if they dare to raise it further the chubby chap promises to sit on Mr B until he is forced into submission, or squashed flat for e ver. [chubs 2000]
Chess chess - gets your head in a mess. Picture your average impression of a chess player - some beardy Russian dude with a brain the size of a hot air balloon. Sitting there for hours on end and taking ten minutes between each move. BORING isn't it? Well, no actually it's not. I love chess, I can think of nothing more pleasant than sitting down to a few games with a good friend, a few beers and a couple of packs of crisps and nuts. Chess is the mother/father/both of all war and strategy games. Such a simple concept too, a board divided into 64 squares and 32 playing pieces (16 each). Now what could be more simple than that? Well lots of things, but that's not the point is it. Chess is easy to learn. Each piece has it's own way of moving around the board and the players take it in turns to try to whup the ass of their opponent. The object is to beat your opponent into submission by trapping their king (or checkmate as it's known amongst players). In these days of video games with kids sitting vegitating alone in front of some playstation or game boy, what we need is a revival of games like chess. Social interaction it's called. Communication, pitting your wits against a real live opponent and not some pre-programmed chip (Mmmmmmmm, I like chips). So unplug those dreamcasts and get the chess set down from the attic - you know it makes sense. Teach your kids how to play, get their brain working and tell tham uncle chubs recommended it - but just don't tell them I only play it because it is something I can do without breaking into a sweat. And DON'T give them the traditional beer, it's not big and it's not clever (crisps are fine though). [chubs 2000]
Intro - I read quite a few dooyoo articles before joining. This is only the second one I have written , please have mercy on me if I do wrong. Still here? Good, let the article begin. I amn't about to try and tell you how to write good articles my friend, you are probably much more experienced than me. Nay, I just want to tell you what I like to read. Bear the chubby chap in mind when you write and you won't go far wrong ;o) Keep it short - but not too short. Long windedness is something I cannot be bothered with. I just stop reading and go elsewhere. On the other hand if it is too short I am left wanting more. Hit the balance and you get my vote. Stay on topic - I went to the shop today and bought a newspaper and a loaf of bread. I came home and had toast and read the racing pages. See, straying off topic sucks. Humour is king - lighten up for gods sake. There is nothing worse than droning on. Break it up - use paragraphs, chunks are the only way to go [and they don't come much chunkier than the chubby chap]. Tell me as much as possible - I am reading your article to learn about something, so teach me. Put yourself into it - anyone can read the box, say what YOU think, not just what you think others want to hear. Spelling and grammar - these are important [as is grampar], I need to understand what you mean. Keep me reading until the end - that is the most important thing, keep it interesting. If you follow all this advice I will enjoy your articles for ever more, and so will others I suspect. Respect your own writing and other will respect it too. Good luck with your future articles. [chubs 2000]
Why the title? This is my first dooyoo article and they said keep it "short and snappy" did I do wrong? Onto my wish list then - 1) World Peace 2) More money for pensioners 3) An end to starvation and misery 4) woooaaa..... sorry I'm starting to sound like Miss World here. Of course we all want those things but lets be honest. I want all those things ALL year, not just at Christmas. Christmas, that is about me me me, like it or not. I hate to feel that way, but we are kidding ourselves if we say otherwise. So onto my REAL wish list- 1) A new job in which I never ever ever have to listen to a complete idiot of a boss. The CV is in the post, wish me luck my friends. 2) A new car to go with the new job that I got through all your good wishes [see above] 3) One of those pretentious Miss World types [see even further above], who has a fetish for the chubbier breed of bloke. 4) To lose some of my blubber. Whoopsy whoops, forget that, see point 3. 5) Go-old ringgggsss 6) Cable/satellite television with loads of channels. 7) A new 'puter with a keyboard that doesn't stickkkkkkkkk 8) A years supply of lager and kebabs [veggie kebabs if you're that way inclined] 9) Socks and aftershave [only to pretend I REALLY wanted them] 10) A dreamcast That's it, selfish ain't I??? [Chubs - 2000]