Bad film, bad songs. Only good for one thing! (9 Songs (DVD))

Member Name: giksy21

Product:	9 Songs (DVD)
Date:	22/06/09 (43 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Its just pure crap

Disadvantages: its just pure crap

If life has taught me anything, it is that you cannot buy a porno unless you own a dirty trenchcoat, and smell like whisky. Britain is far too conservative for that. The sensors usually ban a film, which even sounds pornographic ( It must have taken ages for octopussy to beat the sensors.). So, when I heard that a film had sneaked through the sensors net, that contained extremely graphic sex, I had to see it.

Now, that may not make me look too good, but when a film causes as much contraversy as this did on it's release way back in 2004, I bhave to watch them to see for myself. I went into the rental shop, after putting on my 'Groucho Marx' style disguise and picked up a copy. I must admit, that I am not sure if the girl working there was looking at me funny, or if she just was trying not to break wind. However, I did feel kind of 'dirty'.

I was sure that the hype would be wrong, and this 'core' would be softer than a peach that had just been awarded a degree in softness from Oxford university. It seemed, very early on indeed, that I was wrong. It was in fact very graphic. It also seemed that when the lead male was cast, he was not asked to read lines, but rather he was asked to hold one end of a measuring tape to the base of his trouser snake...... They may have needed a longer tape.

Feeling suitably inadequate, I continued to watch. No plot was apparent, but I would imagine that was not director Michael Winterbottoms top priority. Rather, he wanted to get a porno through sensors, by adding a tiny smidgen of well directed, and arty looking stuff at the very start, and the very end. Fill the gap with pure smut, and call it art house.

The film contains (bizarrely.) 9 songs. They are typically dire tracks, by mainstream indie-rock bands such as elbow, franz ferdinand etc. This, and the two arty looking bits take up approximately two thirds of the films 69 (tee hee hee!) minutes. The rest is graphic sex. We have it all here. We have masturbation, cunnilingus, fellatio, penetrative vaginal sex, and ....... drumroll please...... the first known scene of ejaculation to be passed on a mainstream uk film.

The plot, though virtually non existant, it seems was 'classy' enough to get this through the sensors. Either that, or Winterbottom poked the poor guys eyes out before he got a chance to watch. Now that I mention it, its possible the lead male poked them out with his........ Anyway, the film encompasses the relationship that two young people had. Matt (Kieran 'big willy' O'Brian.), and Lisa (Margo 'bad actress, but good in the sack' Stilley.) go to lots of concerts, at which we hear the nine songs. They then go home and perform the odd sexual act. They go to another concert. Perform another sexual act. She is using him for sex. He thinks he loves her. She is addicted to sex. He realises he hates her While he is realising he hates her, they perform a few dozen more sexual acts. The end.

The cast list - Kieran O'Brian, and Margo Stilley. The end.

The film is as shocking as it is dire. The only amazing thing about it, is that it managed to bring the 'money shot' to mainstream dvd. Even that isn't too amazing really. The acting is slightly better than (what I am told.) the acting is like in a 'proper' porn film. You will get lost, and then start to think you have found where you are, until all of a sudden 'my God, that a big penis' pops back into your mind.

Watch it only if you are curious, as I was, to see if the hype was justified. Certainly do not watch it if you are in any way worried about the size of your own meat and two veg. Why do you think it has taken me five years to write the review!!

Summary: its just pure crap.