Save Yourself (Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe (DVD))

Member Name: The Polar One

Product:	Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe (DVD)
Date:	08/07/09 (43 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Amusing plot holes

Disadvantages: Poor pacing, bad acting, cheap everything

68. Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe (1991)
[film only review]

Considering I'm watching films from a list of the most disliked ones of all time, what I'm about to say might seem a little odd. I think I went in with too high expectations. For a start, how about that title? Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe. It's just begging for an exclamation mark. It has the wow factor. I'm thinking epic space battles, swift justice served upon brutal intergalactic criminals, exotic other worldly destinations, advanced technology. Next we have that tobacco chewing, sexual tyrannosaurus, former Mayor and State Governor, of Predator fame himself, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura. He gets to face off against Danish muscleman Sven-Ole Thorsen, who has played a multitude of tough guys in movies like The Running Man and a memorable role as security guard, La Fours, in Mallrats. Speaking of comedy there's even a small role for funny man James Belushi.

What do I get? A balding middle-aged robot with a ponytail, and a lumberjack running around a snowy Canadian backwater, trying to blow each other up in the woods and fighting over a mute kid. A far cry from any of my hopes.

The film got me involved from the start. Sadly this was to rewind the first line of dialogue twice, as I could hardly hear what was being said. The audio quality (for whatever reason) is very poor. After turning up the sound I was met by a great deal of pointless narration and half explained occurrences. Ventura plays Abraxas. A kind of special forces cop in space, from a planet where the people have very long lifespans (he's about 9000 years old), and enough arrogance that they assume jurisdiction anywhere they please. Although in this case the bad guy is an ex-cop from their own force, making that a bit of a moot issue. Thorsen plays Secundus, who is seeking the anti-life equation that will give him god-like powers and immortality. To find it he travels to Earth and impregnates a young woman, Sonia, simply by placing his hand over her stomach. Then a few minutes later a baby miraculously appears in her arms. I kid you not. I thought I'd missed something, but apparently not. However, you've got to give Secundus credit for one of the best chat up lines of all time, "Are you a birthing member of the human race?" Said before scaring off her boyfriend and bundling her into a station wagon. Secundus is captured by Abraxas and sent to a prison planet, from which he escapes years later and goes in search of the child.

This all happens in the first 15 minutes of the movie, and if they could have kept up that ludicrous pace for the whole film it may have been an amusing watch. Unfortunately it does not, and an already incomprehensible film becomes a tired, no budget, Terminator rip-off. Where the bad guy is easily the more interesting character. I was rooting for him the whole way.

I don't understand the inner workings of this police force. Abraxas is sent to kill the child because it contains a power that could spontaneously destroy the universe, or turn a criminal into a god. Abraxas refuses, instead trying to guard the child and it's mother, and his bosses do nothing. They stand motionless in what looks like a retro computer geek's collectors closet, looking a bit concerned and miffed. Incidentally this is the only scene you'll see set in 'space'. And what were they doing for the years this boy was growing up? Only now, at the last minute, coming up with a half-hearted plan.

The film tries to play the light humour card a number of times. Abraxas and Secundus are played as emotionless people, for no explained reason other than their being aliens. Both speak in monotonous tones, as if impersonating a sleepy Schwarzenegger, and have numerous culture clash moments involving the likes of strippers and waitresses. On the plus side we get the timeless phrase, "My box has VD, trust me." He is of course talking about his answerbox. A portable speaking wikipedia for space cops. I guess the terrible name is the result of public sector branding.

I was not impressed by the acting. The best performance was from Marjorie Bransfield as Sonia. Good enough for a career in made for TV based-on-a-true-story films. The wisest move from writer/director Damien Lee was making the boy mute, thus avoiding any more potentially bad performances. James Belushi appeared for one scene only (apparently as a favour to his then wife Marjorie Bransfield). He played the boys headmaster, and regardless of his acting it was a bizarre scene, more a last minute sketch unintentionally funny because it was so un-funny. If that makes sense.

This is a bad movie even for veteran B-movie maker Damien Lee; even his tedious Food of the Gods II is better than this. The action is contrived, although that is a widespread problem amongst even the best blockbusters. More importantly the character scenes are poorly scripted, mistimed, and in one case a little creepy. Abraxas sits half naked in bed talking to the young kid one night. If his acting wasn't so wooden I might think he was coming on to him. Probably not helped by the constant soft improv jazz being played at random moments throughout the film, including fight scenes. The final nail in the coffin is the entirely predictable and schmaltzy ending.

The main fun to be had from this film is reflecting on how shoddily thrown together it was. Actually watching it was quite a slog (hence the low rating). I wonder just how many universe threatening children Secundus can create literally with his bare hand, and why didn't he? What happened to Sonia's boyfriend? Why were her parents not concerned that she had a baby in the space of one evening? What do pla-steel and T-squared mean? And how much did Pepsi pay to have their products everywhere? If you're a low budget action film junkie and a hardcore bad movie watcher then maybe this will be a laugh. Otherwise move on.

Rated: USA:R / UK: Unknown (12?)
Running Time: 90 mins

Trivia: On 2nd February 2009 Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe charted at No.68 on the IMDB's bottom 100 films list. Scoring 2.2 out of 10, from 692 votes.

Summary: "I'm looking for a man. A wo-man."