These are zombies, pure and simple. (Alone In The Dark (DVD))

Member Name: LadyAudley

Product:	Alone In The Dark (DVD)
Date:	08/01/08 (42 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Errrrrrr....

Disadvantages: Too many to list

For movie fans, Uwe Boll is a modern Ed Wood, only without the charm. His name is legendary amongst movie buffs for being the worse filmmaker on the planet right now, and some of his films must qualify as serious contenders for the worst film of all time. Knowing his reputation, I wanted to rent one of his movies so I could see exactly how mindnumbing the awfulness on display would be.

Alone in the Dark is an unbelieveably, extraordinarily, inexpressibly bad film. The "plot" (if it deserves such a name) is based around a group of teens who turn up on a deserted desert island for a very naughty rave (as you do). However, when they arrive there, they find it's deserted... all that remains of their fellow partygoers is a bunch of bloody clothing and some suspicious stains on the floor. Instead of being put off by this, or possibly trying to escape, they decide to get a party started instead because, y'know, there's free booze and stuff. Predictably, as soon as night falls (which happens in about 2 seconds flat), bless me if it doesn't turn out that the island is just full of evil monsters, hell bent on slaying and eating the young, nubile teens. Shenanigans follow as the remaining teens band together with the captain of a sailing boat and about 500 tonnes of ammo (which just suddenly shows up), to shoot their way out.

This movie is so execrably shot, woefully scripted and poorly acted that you're more likely to be screaming with laughter than fear. Half the cast look like they're embarrassed to be there, the other half (with Tara Reid notable among them) look like they're too out of it to care. The dialogue is just hilarious, with lines like "These are zombies, pure and simple", "we finally got to the boat but it wasn't there" and (I kid you not) and "No cap'n, we must not go there! It's eeeeevil!" cropping up whenever there isn't anything to shoot onscreen. My favourite exchange has to be:

Rogan: Who are you?
Rudy: Who are YOU?
Rogan: We're here to rescue you.
Rudy: Oh... thanks.

You can't buy scriptwriting that bad just anywhere, you know.

The editing (if, indeed, this movie was ever actually assembled deliberately) looks as if it's been put together by a bunch of drunken high school students, with sudden breaks between storylines that make no sense whatsoever. As with all of Boll's movies, product placement is high on the agenda, so the movie occasionally decides to stop telling you the story and to flick over to a computer simulation selling the game on which the story is based, even though this has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Similarly, at moments of tension, someone on the editing team though it would be, like, really cool to display the gamemaker's logo in massive letters across the screen for no apparent reason.

I'd love to be able to say this is so bad it's good, but it's not. It's just plain rubbish. For god's sake, don't pay money to see this, because you will cry bitter tears of woe if you do.

Summary: Watch it and weep.