Bend It Like Beckham? Scuff it Like Forlan or Over-Rate it Like Giggs More Like… (Bend It Like Beckham (DVD))

Member Name: Sugar Matty O

Product:	Bend It Like Beckham (DVD)
Date:	08/01/03 (383 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Juliet Stevenson’s performance as the clueless mother, at least Posh didn’t get a cameo

Disadvantages: Not enough depth to certain sections of the film , hackneyed, from the plot to the perception of certain people, bad acting all round, including Alan Hansen’s part at the beginning

Football as a scripted visual concept doesn’t work. With the exception of Escape to Victory (which itself wasn’t without flaws – Sly Stallone in goal and Southend United’s Kevin O’Callaghan in midfield for starters), there hasn’t yet been a true TV programme or big screen outing that manages to capture the choreography of 11-versus-11 without coming across as stilted. Gregory’s Girl, Jossie’s Giants, Renford Rejects, Playing the Field, When Saturday Comes, Dream Team…er…One Fine Day (when George Clooney’s darling little boy celebrates after wellying the ball out of play – is he after a trial with West Ham or something?) So Bend It Like Beckham hardly filled me with confidence in an attempt to merge Playing the Field with some relevant society insight regarding ethnicity and gender.

However, at least the above titles had a modicum of acting talent about them. B-I-L-B is appallingly slapdash in this respect, particularly the lead Jules that befriends park player Jess. One dressing room scene in particularly is so bad it’s hilarious, when Jules reacts to a dirty joke so late it’s as if the producers are making the follow-up before her belly laugh finally gets the point. The high point is Juliet Stevenson playing Jules’ mother, a head-in-air, innocently racist dumb-ass with a touch of Hyacinth Bucket appearance-keeping about her. None of the lead roles though do themselves any justice, presumably because their interest in football is fleeting at best in the first place. If this flick was intended to capture pre-World Cup fever, we’ll just take replays of Becks scoring against Greece rather than this tawdry effort with more holes than Glenn Roeder’s leaky defence.

Plot wise viewers aren’t presented with anything too taxing, but certain aspects are riddled with discrepancies and maintain stereotypes that are too predictable and slightly uneasy. Ba
sically Bend It Like Beckham runs along the following lines. Nifty parks player invited to play in local team by stranger who happens to be passing by, (just how Ronaldo was discovered I imagine), impressed by number of nutmegs and dummies handed out against male opponents. Parks player is undecided as it would go against moral family code, but gives it a go anyway, using her slaggish sister as cover. Parks player initially struggles, knowing that her family would go bananas should they discover the truth, but proves her worth after heart to heart with male coach Joe, once a bright prospect but now on the scrap-heap after pressure from his own father resulted in career-ending injury.

Initial things that don’t add up. A) Do all ethnic minorities really say innit after every sentence? B) If the coach had his own career wrecked by a knee injury, how comes he shows no fear in vaulting over a wall when giving Jess a pep talk? C) For what comes across as just a local team, who finances a club tour of Germany, and trains for what seems like six hours a day, seven days a week? D) Why does Shaznay Lewis (previous club – All Saints) struggle with the ten words she’s entrusted with throughout the film? Maybe she’s making up for her non-appearance in Honest. E) A penalty shoot-out against the Germans is just taking the pee. F) In the opening scenes, Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen and John Barnes discuss Jasminder as the new Beckham in a Dream Team-style mock up of Man United footage and a superimposition of Jas heading in a cross from Dave. When did Barnsey defect to the BBC then? Mark Lawrenson was presumably too expensive to cast.

Anyway, Jess’ cover is eventually blown, and taking a shine to the coach while on tour doesn’t go down well with team-mate and bad actor Jules. Naturally the team reaches the cup final, complete with a scholarship-offering US coach looking on from the stands, and naturally it’s held on the day
of Jess' sister getting married. Jess’ best mate – who casually slips into conversation that he’s gay, then has an aborted attempt at marrying Jess to try and cover her voyage towards America – slips her out of the party with the consent of a predictably resigned and wife-fearing father, and miraculously she comes on a substitute. You can just imagine Roy Keane turning up unannounced at Old Trafford and getting a game, his public relations class with Mick McCarthy having run late. Jess, also accused earlier of lesbian liaisons with Jules, curls in the winner a la Beckham and everyone lives happily ever after. Jess and Jules then win scholarships to the States to play pro, while the supporters chant ‘You couldn’t begin to make this up.’

More bones of contention; the alienating and struggle of ethnic minorities to become accepted in football basically comes down to one moment where Jess is called a ‘Paki’ by an opponent. This is not insight into seeing Jess as a second class citizen, this is just a lazy attempt at a shock tactic. Furthermore, the coach claims he’s been treated in the same marginalised way as Jess, being of Irish descent. On last look, the whole Irish national side were plying their trade in the Premiership, whereas you’d be hard pressed to find any Asians or Indians holding down a first team place in any of the four English divisions. And let’s be honest, ‘you Irish expletive’ is not quite in the same league as ‘you expletive Paki’, is it? Jess’ family is too stereotypical in their conformist ways – come on, let’s have some scope like The Kumars at No.42 or something instead of the rent-a-minority playing the same dull, ‘what would your forefathers think?’ role. This is not racism on my part but there must be some open-minded people of ethnic orientation being done a great disservice through this continued reliance
on supposed convention. Perish the thought if the Asian homosexual storyline was given anything more than its meek one line.

The ending centres on Jess and coach Joe sharing a kiss before boarding the plane, and seeing an imitation Posh and Becks make an appearance at the airport. At least they got the destination right seeing as women’s football in the US is probably more popular than men’s. For a supposed comedy though the laughable parts are for all the wrong reasons (high point, Juliet Stevenson’s character turning up for a game dressed like she’s going to Ascot). Though it relies on a feelgood factor and an obvious prediction of the outcome, made clear right from the start, Bend It Like Beckham is just a tired spin on the rags-to-riches story given a tenuous tie-in to England’s most prominent football personality. Good job it wasn’t called Moan like Di Canio or it could have been a helluva lot worse (or perversely better, maybe). Trite, over-used plot, terrible acting, rubbish humour, inadequate drama and lacking style, it seems Becks will put his name to anything if it means more exposure. Less a bending in from 30 yards, more a scuff wide of an open goal.

And of course – the football action scenes? Still as imperfect as they’ve always been...

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