Sucked, Chewed and Swallowed...Ought To Be More Fun (Blood Beach (DVD))

Member Name: wampyrii

Product:	Blood Beach (DVD)
Date:	29/09/01 (43 review reads)
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Steven Spielberg's Jaws placed the monster movie genre right back in the limelight again and caused a rush of movies produced in the same vein. I'm not talking about sharks, but rather 'monsters' in general which had been somewhat forgotten about since the B-Movie horrors and sci-fis of the 40s and 50s. Some of the movies which followed were great, although most 80s horror movies were particularly cheesy. Other times we have little to thank him for at all and in this case, if you had shelled out money to see this movie, you would have a good case for punching him in the nose for setting in motion the thought processes which lead to this criminal piece of trash.

Blood Beach was marketted with the tagline "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can't get there!", so obviously then playing off Jaws right from the start. However, thats where any similarity ends...well, ok there is a beach and some water here as well. The plot is ludicrous but even so could have been handled so much better. Basically, and I do MEAN basically because there really isn't anything going on here to speak of, there is something nasty under the sand which is feeding upon and mutilating people on the beach. That is the plot. A few people get sucked under the sand, a couple more get mutilated, and the local police look on in bored disdain whilst our heroic couple try to find out and eradicate the cause of all this.

Blood Beach is quite simply an attrocious movie. There are more than a few example of horror movies which are simply awful, but this surely ranks up there with the best of them. 'Blood' Beach? Sounds an intriguing title, so at least plenty of blood and gore to keeep gore hounds amused then if nothing else? Well no actually, there is very little blood and hardly any gore to speak of whatsoever. What you get are people being sucked into the sand, waving their arms around in something much less than panic,
more like they are hailing a cab, and then maybe a little red stain to the sand and so discarded clothing. But anyway, who needs gore when you have sharp, witty dialogue, great characters and suspense of Hitchcockian proportions. Not me! But sadly thi movie fails to deliver that either. The dialogue here is abysmal, the acting dire, but then they had nothing to work with and other than the occassional 'sand sucking' scene nothing happens but a bunch of bickering between the characters...I began to wish they would all be sucked own into the sand.

There are no features to this movie which could procure a rating of anything above 1 star. You do not actually get to see the 'monster' until the very end, but when you do its the most ludicrous thing you have ever seen. It looks like a large rubber penis before splitting open into a stepped on plasticine flower pot effect...no wonder they kept it hidden for so long. The unseen enemy has worked brilliantly in movies before - Jaws for one, Duel another - countless others, yet here you are so starved of entertainment that not seeing it just annoys the hell out of you even more. When it finally does appear on screen I defy you to not laugh out loud at how naff it looks.

Blood Beach? Rubbish mate, not even worth a television viewing.

<<opinion regurgitated from antiquity because I can't be arsed to write anything new at the moment>>

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