Cyborg Cheese! (Cyborg Cop (DVD))

Member Name: Burning_Darkness

Product:	Cyborg Cop (DVD)
Date:	25/06/09 (19 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Hilariously bad from start to finish, brimming with 80s style charm.

Disadvantages: None whatsoever

Made in 1993, Cybog Cop is a low budget sci-fi action film set on a small Carribbean island starring David Bradley, who is essentially a more embarrassing version of David Hasselhoff, as incredible as that may sound.

When Bradley's brother Todd goes missing on a mission to infiltrate a sinister criminal outpost on a remote tropical island, it falls to Bradley to find out what happened to him and hopefully bring him back alive. Early on we are treated to an immensely entertaining 80s style jungle gun-battle in which Todd's crack squad are wiped out by the villains, and Todd falls into the hands of Kessel, aka the guy who played Gimley the Dwarf in Lord Of The Rings, a criminal mastermind who for some inexplicable reason goes through the whole film speaking in a thick Yorkshire accent.

Todd is promptly turned into a cyborg, as part of Kessel's elaborate plan to create the ultimate assassin. He has an earlier model already up and running however; the intimidatingly named "Quincy", who is perhaps the most laughably inempt robotic killer of all time. For example, in a demonstration set up by Kessel to demonstrate his creation's assassin skills to some wealthy investors, Quincy promptly upturns a limousine before setting himself on fire. In another scene he is supposed to burst menacingly through a wall, but the effects team obviously failed to account for his considerable height, so when smashing through the polystyrene wall Quincy whacks his head off the solid brickwork above and practically clothes-lines himself. The fact that this makes it into the final edit says a lot about just how brilliantly crap Cyborg Cop really is.

There are plenty more such bloopers, for example, in a shootout scene at a morgue, a trolley bearing a naked cadaver is tipped up at one end, trapping a gun-toting villain between the corpse and a wall. We clearly see that the corpse is of a grey haired old man, but then the angle changes and suddenly the corpse is of a long haired young woman. In one of the film's many great fight scenes, Bradley aims a roundhouse kick at the camera, which makes a satisfying 'thwack' sound as the blow connects, but then the camera angle changes again to reveal that there is......no-one there. Was the person responsible for continuity on crack?

With its ludicrous action scenes, ridiculous plot, hammy acting and overall ramshackle, cheesy feel, Cyborg Cop manages to be both charming and hugely entertaining from start to finish. There are plenty of car chases, gunfights and the like throughout, including a scene in which a blatant Bradley-body-double tears about the villain's base on a Harley Davidson dispatching enemies with sticks of dynamite, and a particularly brilliant scene in which Bradley fires two rounds from an AK-47 at some assailants perched on top of a building, at which point three bad guys roll down the roof in unison. Oh, and it features the best motorbike decapitation of all time, too.

Did I mention, also, that Bradley goes through the entire film wearing a thick leather jacket under the sweltering glare of the tropical sun? Or that he carries around his two pistols in a bumbag?

All in all it's at least a thousand times more enjoyable that the latest Terminator film. Indeed, a friend of mine who introduced me to it has became so fanatical about it that he owns several copies and has took to leaving them at friends houses, spreading the Word like an acolyte from some bizarre offshoot of the Gideon Church.

You can pick it up for around a quid plus postage from Amazon, so if you have any time at all for Bad Movies then there really is no excuse for not picking up this gem!

Oh, and one last thing.... none of the cyborgs in it are policemen.

Summary: A landmark in crap films