Newest Review: ... now living in vast ghetto slums, crammed into small spaces. And then the first strains of the Reaper virus begin emerging in London! Rh... more
A review nearly as pointless as the movie.
Member Name: ryanando
Date: 11/06/08, updated on 11/06/08 (176 review reads)
Advantages: 20 million movies in one handy place.
Disadvantages: Killing yourself may seem more appealing after ten minutes
Right at this moment, other than having a rather gurgley stomach and farting like a trooper (thank you fajita) I am bored as hell. To add to this, I seem to have that Review Itch. I thought I would combine the two by writing a review while I watch a movie. It's about as close to living on the edge as I get these days. On the plus side, there are no gays in my room watching the movie with me, so I will actually get all the way to the end without stopping for...reasons best left unsaid... I will however be making a point of writing a review next time I'm wooing a guy with my tiny movie collection just to make sure he has a little performance anxiety. God I'm mean.
As we speak I am plonking a DVD into my machine. *Plonk*... I am now taking it back out having realised it's the film I watched the other night...crap... Excuse me while I search for the film I want.
Ok, firstly, mental note, Must label things better. Now onto the film! Expect some random thoughts as titles and there may be some plot spoilers, who knows?
----Hurry Up And Load You Stupid Computer----
We start with a shot of Glasgow and a very creepy voice giving us a run down of what is going to happen in the film. Its basically another virus-ey end of the world epic - Doomsday. Original name I thought. Even more original is the virus's name. The Reaper Virus. I'm quaking in my boots.
Strangely, The voice over is more like an American trying to sound English. Funny that. Even the people trying to leave Scotland, which...should really be everyone...Jesus that was a lot of blood...ahem...er...ok so this isn't going to work.
----You Army Types Better Run Faster----
One thing I'm liking already about this film is that it pretty much gets right into the action. It starts at the point where people are rioting instead of just before the first infection. One thing I'm hating about the film already is that the people being shot are falling to bits in a rather unrealistic fashion.
----Is This 2035 Or A 1970s Porno Shoot?----
Being set in the future we get a glimpse of ...Bob Hoskins apparently. Wow, he must have been desperate for work. We also get a look at some crazy fashion and a lot of gratuitous boobs in the first five minutes. Apparently people in 2035 also bathe with shotguns. Its all very weird. So far we have met one main character (Rhona Mitra, as I later discovered) . A girl who was saved, only just, by her mother throwing her onto a helicopter before it was the last thing to leave Scotland.
They have locked Scotland up and forgot about it, thinking that's the best way to contain a deadly virus. They should really watch more horror movies. All of a sudden, this virus rears its head in London. Oops. Between Bob swearing a helluva lot and some government officials attempting to swear as convincingly as he does and failing, they decide they need to go to Scotland to get a cure. And some black pudding. The English stuff is crap in comparison. It would seem the government has failed to tell the public there have been survivors of this deadly virus. The lovely people at the top give the team lucky enough to be sent into this hell hole 48 hours to find a cure...or they flood London to contain the new break out. Can't we just flood it anyway?
----O.M.G It's Him From Hustle And That Guy From Equilibrium!!----
Another bunch of British actors clearly desperate for work, and another random explosion of guts later, we start meeting the team and the gadgets they will be using to blow some infectees' to pieces (I'm Assuming) We also get a few glimpses of Glasgow totally run down...oh to give a snotty anti-Glasgow comment or not... I shall refrain. The effects in regards to the sets are much better than those in "I Am Legend" for a start. Maybe a little bit over the top with the growth of random trees everywhere, but generally a nice creepy atmosphere is being set and the background isn't pulling your focus away from the film. Thumbs up!
----Purple hair?? Seriously??----
Just as I was starting to enjoy this film... they threw in some surviving natives. Strangely they decided that if Scotland was left to its self for thirty years, the people who didn't kill themselves would resort to painting themselves funny colours, growing Mohawks and running right into the line of gunfire. Where these ideas came from, I do not know...ahem They have, however, captured the average Scottish citizens expert handling of firebombs quite well. Some poor girl just had a grenade go off right next to her snatch, so I shall continue this review when I stop twitching.
----Of COURSE they still have tennants, its only been 27 years----
Our lead girl is now captured and being tortured by the incredibly violent residents of Glasgow. Not much new there. Having just realised I'm giving a lot of whats happening away, I shall instead ponder as to why Scotland has became a haven for the weird and wonderful while the music seems to have not progressed past a strange mix of The Proclaimers and Amy MacDonald. Scotland looks quite fun when its drenched in a post apocalyptic depression. Cue strange men in kilts doing the can-can. Hmm.
----Why Are All The Immune Ones Nutters?----
I'm about 40 minutes in and I'm still not really sure what the Scottish dudes are saying. Considering I'm 100% Scottish...that's worrying. Its just a lot of screaming and violence. Having never seen mad Max, this is now what I believe it would be like. I'm not sure I'd be a fan. The gore is becoming laughable while the story isn't really doing much to explain why the people who are left are the way they are. The leader of the new Scots tribe is starting to look like Jimmy Savile on crack (assuming he's not already)
Oh wait...I think that was possibly a bit of plot progression! BRAVO!! Oh wait...There's now a guy in full knights armour trotting towards us....Suddenly we are in a Robin Hood film. God, the makers of this film really couldn't make up their mind. It's even been more than ten minutes since someone was blown to pieces by a single bullet. How their style has changed.
----Ignore That Man Behind The Curtain----
The leader of the Robin Hood type soldiers has reared his head and he is Linderman from heroes. Just as we are getting to know him, we flip back to London. Obviously trying to compensate for that ten goreless minutes, everyone is spewing, bleeding and dying. Even Hoskins got shoved round a little bit. Thankfully for the film makers, this reminds us that we are in the midst of a horror. 'Till we go right back to Ye Olde Scottish Lande for some more crazy people antics.
With only 40 minutes left to go, I have already decided this film is way too much of a mish mash of nothing in particular to get a grip on. As I speak we have stumbled into Gladiators (the movie) and have plonked an English girl into the middle of it. The obvious, and very British thing to do is to make her say "bollocks" when she sees the dude she has to fight. I kid you not. The fight scenes, I have began to notice, all cut out at the wrong time, just as someone is about to be hit. I suppose it cuts down on the need to make any of it look co-ordinated. Do I really need to watch the rest of this??
----Just Die Already----
Never have I found myself wishing actors I like to die, but I want the guy from Hustle to get out of this movie as fast as he can. We are now in the middle of a high speed car chase and I'm banging my head on the desk. Continuity is just ridiculous in this movie. On what planet could a banged up 27 year old car catch up to a fresh out of the box shiny BMW? The doomsday world it would seem. But then ten minutes ago they were running from the Knights of Nee, so who am I to point this out?
Having just driven through a bus without so much as scratching the paintwork, I believe next we should send the main character to top gear. I think they are now trying to imply there was some sort of loving feelings between her and the only remaining team member ... I totally got that too, from the amount of time building on that within the story (which by the way was none - in regards to both the time and the story).
----Oh Thank God For That----
Thankfully the credits take about 9 minutes to roll through the list of people desperate for work. That's a whole 9 minutes where I don't need to want to kill myself. I think you may have picked up by now that I really didn't like this film. It was pants. It was more than pants. It was...Big Pants.
The sets were good but the gratuitous gore was just banging-my-head-off-a-desk grade bad. People were exploding like water balloons all over the place and body parts were coming off easier than Lindsay Lohans panties. This is definitely up there on the list of the worst films I've seen in a long, LONG time and is a disgrace to the genre. Which is, obviously, Robin hood, meets Top Gear, Monty Python, Resident Evil, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Tomb Raider, and I'm assuming Mad Max. And lets face it...It's the only film IN the genre so it MUST be bad if it can't even be the best in its genre.
----I Suppose I'd Better Give You Some Review Type Information?----
Film Certificate : Who knows? I Can't find any information on it anywhere. Well, other than "R" which is a glorified 18 certificate, but it's news to me that we aren't using our simple Age ratings any more. Maybe I'm just being lazy.
Running time: 1 gruelling hour and 34 bloody minutes, assuming you switch off when the credits start to roll.
Who has inflicted this film on us?: Universal and Neil Marshall were the culprits behind this one. Who? I hear you ask. He also gave us such intellectual offerings as Dog Soldiers and The Descent, both of which weren't all too great either.
----My Final Thoughts----
Don't waste your time unless you feel like punishing yourself. If you do feel like punishing yourself though, there is a gimp in the film you might like to have a word with. Seriously. I'm off to stab my eyeballs 'till they feel good about themselves again. Goodnight.
(also on Ciao)
Summary: The worst "horror" I've watched. Ever.