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Embrace Of The Vampire (DVD)
Member Name: wampyrii
Embrace Of The Vampire (DVD)
Date: 28/02/03, updated on 28/02/03 (707 review reads)
Advantages: Norks, Martin Kemp getting amorous with a door, highly amusing monologues from a love lorn blue balls vampire
Disadvantages: Erm, the rest to be honest
Anyhoo, the plot is nothing much to speak of, in fact, it's one I'm sure you've seen at least 100 times before in B-movie flicks with befanged ones providing the entertainment. Yes it's the ''I've crossed oceans of time to be with you'' thang again ladies and germs, the ''charismatic bloodsucker running around harrassing some virgin or other again because she reminds him of his lost squeeze from hundreds of years ago'' plot, the...oh basically it's about a vampire who wants to get into Milano's frillies! Why these creatures take so long to actually get around to business is anyone's guess but they usually have some lame excuse or other. The excuse trotted out this time is that the virginal Milano must completely give her heart to the vampire and
dump her long-suffering virginal boyfriend of 14 months(aka the blue-balls champion of the college campus) or else he can't properly have her as there's some unwritten vampire rule saying he can't just take her...or something! Apparently this has to be achieved within three days and she simply must remain virginal or our horny vampire in love is going to ''fall into the sleep of eternity''...that's erm, ''die'' to the rest of you non-vampires.
In order to split the pair up our vampire visits their dreams to put doubt in their minds about their relationship and slavers over Milano during her dreams whilst slipping the notion into her head that she might like to be a little more promiscuous...giving the movie the opportunity to show her drifting from one near moment of nookie to another during her waking hours as she slowly transforms from convent girl to town bike. Not that this makes sense when you consider that 'the vampire'(he never is given a name and is credited at the end as ''Vampire'') needs her to remain pure but oh well! Anyhoo, the exciting premise you're meant to be hanging on to the edge of your seat over is whether the befanged Kemp will get to play hide the salami in three days time or whether Milano will have a headache and he'll had to roll over and go do that sleep of eternity thing...
Did I mention it was naff? Still, maybe you're like me and see any movie which is really bad as actually being quite good...if you are, then you might like this. Truth be told, I love vampire flicks and I've seen an awful lot of them and amongst a rather naff genre packed with B-movie tripe this isn't all THAT bad. It's a three star vampire movie, whilst barely scraping a 2 star rating as a movie in general. Martin Kemp really doesn't make a very good vampire(American critics seem to think he's a low budget Nicholas Cage alternative lol) as he
39;s too soft spoken and commands very little screen presence. It's hardly a powerful performance and he hardly exudes that irrestible sexual lure our typically randy vampire is meant to but he does get to deliver the most hilariously lame monologues so there is a redeeming feature. You will laugh pretty much every time he opens his mouth. Milano on the other hand plays sweet and virginal well, although it's a little difficult to swallow the role when she seems to spend at least half the movie nekkid and by the halfway point has already posed for nude photography and had several moments of almost nookie(with both sexes). The rest are the rest, there to get bitten or shift the plot along...oh yes, Jennifer Tilly wanders in for about 5 minutes to play the husky voiced femme fatale role yet again in case you're interested, whilst the rest I've never seen or heard of, nor would expect to in the future.
So, the acting is erm, 'of dubious quality' and the script matches it so in a vampire movie you're left with the blood, guts and gore count...which is very low. There's a few amusing shots of Kemp trying to bite students on the neck but you can see his false vampire teeth get in the way to the point where he can barely open his mouth wide enough to part them lol! More amusement comes later when he's to be found again licking a blood splattered door(please don't ask, I think it is meant to be erotic) whilst ignoring the sweet juicy throbbing jugular at his feet...makes you wonder how he managed to make it this far as a vampire as he seems pretty clueless! Oh let's face it, the movie seems to have been sold on the promise of seeing the bird who used to be in Who's The Boss (and later Charmed) in the buff, so add or subtract stars based upon the appeal of that premise to you. Embrace Of The Vampire tries to be an erotic vampire flick when it remembers to but for the most part it's all rather amusing with the few
times it does attempt to turn up the heat being rather abortive and quickly closed off in order to ensure it's place on late night cable channels everywhere. Expect it on Channel 5 sometime soon, it's right up their Friday night alley.
The DVD features on the R1 release are...non-existent(sorry, no clue about the R2 but I doubt it'll be any better, worse perhapsas they're rarely better). The picture quality is about as good as you are going to get from a straight to video release, a little grainy but the colour hues seem fine and it's passable if you don't expect too much. The sound is passable too, probably mildly better than a VHS copy but not much. You do get two versions of the movie here on the R1 release, one supposedly steamier than the other but to be fair there's nothing particularly steamy in either version so that's a bit of a marketing ploy from New Line which has little foundation in reality! No commentaries, no making of featurettes, no cut scenes etc. you've pretty much just got the film on a nice shiny disc as opposed to a chunky black video tape. I'm not even sure the R2 release has the two different versions for that matter.
Would I recommend purchasing this? Nope. Borrow it from a friend, rent it if it's cheap enough but buy it? No. Not unless around 10-15 minutes of Milano's norks wrapped up in an amusingly derivative 80 minutes of vampire story is worth around £12.99 to you anyway. It's pretty much that other rather naff Alyssa Milano vehicle Poison Ivy 2 again but with some blood and fangs thrown in.