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Halloween: DOA - an alternative review
Halloween - Resurrection (DVD)
Member Name: SWSt
Halloween - Resurrection (DVD)
Date: 30/10/09, updated on 30/08/12 (66 review reads)
Advantages: It's only 89 minutes long...
Disadvantages: But that's 90 minutes too long
But first, a bit of background (it's not cheating: many good recipe books give you a short history and origins of the dish in question, by way of introduction. So there). Back in 1978, John Carpenter unleashed the low-budget Halloween on the world, which kick-started the slasher genre and introduced the world to the blank-faced Michael Myers. After a series of increasingly poor sequels, 1998's franchise reboot Halloween: H20, proved surprisingly watchable. Sadly, that just meant another sequel was inevitable.
Anyway, to make Halloween: Resurrection, here's what you'll need
A mature horror franchise, preferably past its sell-by date
A bland, derivative plot involving a "reality internet show" being broadcast from the old Myers house
A large dose of implausibility
A teaspoonful of obvious scares and dull set-pieces
A jar of horror movie clichés
A desperate cameo to "prove" the film's pedigree
Spoonfuls of terrible dialogue
A good looking, but charisma-free cast
A lot of red paint
A hugely predictable ending
A handful of gullible cinema-goers
Take your mature horror franchise and very carefully remove all the bits which originally made it good. Throw them away, keeping just the basic plot outline and the bits you want to nick. Important: you MUST make sure that you remove any sense of identity which might distinguish this from other horror outings and keep your franchise as generic as possible. Next, take the bland and derivative plot and squeeze until all originality and excitement has been lost. Set the plot in a convenient container (an old, deserted house will be fine) and lay the franchise title on top to give a thin crust of respectability.
At an early stage in the preparation process, carefully insert a cameo appearance by the series' most recognisable "victim" (Jamie Lee Curtis) and quickly wipe away a tear that the original Scream Queen has come to this. Quickly add a recap of the events of Halloween H20. Add a huge dose of implausibility in a vain attempt link this sequel with previous events, then leave to one side and ignore for the rest of the film. Throw in a cheesy "reality TV" angle in a vain attempt to make the film seem interesting and relevant.
Next, take a smattering of good-looking but charisma-free characters. Throw in the whole jar of clichés and make sure every character is well coated. Don't be tempted to skimp on the clichés (use a second jar if necessary) - any hint of originality in either the characters or the plot at this stage would be disastrous. Having thoroughly coated the actors in clichés, force-feed them spoonfuls of terrible dialogue, and then throw into the deserted house and leave to fend for themselves. For that extra element of authenticity, you might want to remove all common sense and logic before adding them to the house (this will ensure that do traditional horror movie stupid things like wandering into dark cellars when they hear a noise). Once the characters have settled in the house, add the dull set-pieces and mix together before asking someone wearing a white mask to stab with a large kitchen knife. Repeat until any sense of excitement or fun has been removed.
Liberally splash in the red paint in a vain attempt to flavour the dish sufficiently for gore-hounds, whilst remaining appealing for more moderate tastes (don't worry if this goes wrong: it always does). Don't be tempted to follow the blueprint of "hotter" or more flavoursome films like Saw or Hostel - for maximum impact, you should seek to make sure your film is so middle of the road taste-wise that it is in danger of being run over by a juggernaut.
Add a few minor shocks that even the world's most nervous guppy wouldn't find scary. For best results, you should use the cheapest shocks available (people suddenly jumping out of the shadows, "dead" people coming back to life etc) and no expense should be expended in an effort to make the film watchable. Ideally, these shocks should be reconstituted and regurgitated from every other horror film of the last 20 years and on no account should you be tempted to add a dash of imagination or . This would be a mistake and balance the completely unwholesome flavour of the whole dish.
The next step is optional, but, when cooking a dish like this, most directors like to include it, under the mistaken delusion that it adds a little spice:
Add what appears to be a hugely predictable ending (the killing of the bad guy). However, as you are placing it in the mix, make sure you give it a slight twist right at the last moment (given that your film has been so formulaic so far, your hungry dinner guests will be expecting one.). Again, don't be tempted to make the twist too subtle or your dinner guests might not notice it. Instead, make it really obvious what is going to happen and don't be tempted to stray too far from the recipe that seems to govern all dull and predictable horror movies.
Finally, mix the whole sorry mess together. Place in the oven and half-bake for 89 minutes. Presentation-wise, you don't need to worry too much and should simply dump the final result out however it comes. Ideally using a mixture of dark locations and confusing camera angles will help to disguise what a dog's dinner of a film this is, since it will render it mostly unrecognisable and anyone with any taste will not wish to go anywhere near it.
Serve to a lukewarm or cold critical reception and a gullible cinema-going audience who still haven't learned that repeated sequels, reboots and "re-imaginings" leave a sour taste in the mouth. Best accompanied by low expectations and universally poor reivews.
Note: consuming this film may result in a mild sense of nausea as you realise just how rubbish this is when compared to the original.
(Further note: when putting this dish together always make sure you leave enough room so that you can re-make this in future (known in the business as "sequels"). Do remember that every time you make this dish again, you MUST water it down further each time, so that every new serving is even weaker and more diluted than the last.)
Director: Rick Rosenthal
Running time: approx. 89 minutes
© Copyright SWSt 2009
Summary: Possibly the world's first Recipe-Film Review mash-up