---Watch me as I screw up my review!---

As you may have guessed...or not...I do actually have a life outside of reviewing. It mostly involves drinking, laughing, more drinking and hanging out with my friends. Occasionally, when the mood takes me, I like to watch some moving pictures, accompanied by sound on a screen similar to a television, but not quite (my computer)

Because this little activity is not a regular thing, I tend to end up with a pile of movies sitting by my computer (or all over the flat as the case may be) just begging to be watched. I also end up with a pile of friends begging for their movies back. There is one, however, who doesn't beg. She knows my system. She too is a lazy film watcher. That...and we spend our time in the pub, together.

So, this friend in particular has given me four films that she thinks I need to watch before I die of something ridiculous like running with scissors or alcohol poisoning. Mmm, Alcohol poisoning...ahem. Given that I have now tidied my DVD collection, putting the ones I own back on the shelf, I now have a nice neat pile staring at me. My chocolate is finished, everything is tidy... Time for a movie? I believe so. All hail my favourite lesbian, provider of entertainment and pub accompaniment!

Now I just have the task of deciding which film I'm going to watch.

With fear in my heart, and the idea of me totally not wanting to watch it running through what is left of my brain, I have chosen to plonk "fast food nation" into my DVD player / computer / social life. Suspense just doesn't work when the title tells you what I'm reviewing does it?? At least you came into this knowing what I was doing! I didn't! SO! The box tells me this is the most radical film I'll watch this year. Somehow I don't really believe it. It is, after all, only a 15. I've seen episodes of Rainbow with a higher age rating. Not to mention it's got Avril Lavigne in it, that weirdo who done the transition from Bubble Gum pop into Rock the completely wrong way round...Hmm. Apparently it's so radical that my computer wont actually play it. Oh well, Instinct it is...not....bloody computer!!

---Start reading here---

We have a winner. It would seem God, in it's devine wisdom, pointed me towards Jodi Foster. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Foster. In fact, she is up there on my list of brilliant people who I love, but when I read the blurb on the back of this one, I sighed rather heavily. It says "explosive surprises", "action packed" and "heart pounding suspense" all in the space of about 3 sentences. Does it tell me what the film is actually about? Kinda. It says something about a bank robber. Rather unexplosive and unsurprisingly, it also says there is a "tough cop" involved. Doesn't really say too much else though. I am worried.

---Ooo, that guy's in lost now---

Suddenly I am distracted by someone who is now in lost. Luckily the film has pretty much gotten right into it rather quickly and I'm now back watching people who say the Eff word as much as I do. Yay for them. It would seem that Denzel Washington is also in this film! I suppose had I looked at the front of the box I may have noticed.

So, straight away, we are in the middle of a bank robbery. While some lovely men are clearing the bank of their...ahem... "hard earned"...goods, the police (who have been told not to come near the building or the hostages inside get shot), blockade the building and make as much noise as humanly possible.

Washington is playing the role of Hostage Negotiator Type Person (HNTP as I like to call it). Foster is yet to pop out of the woodwork but I suspect she might be a robber. Who knows. Not me.

About 20 minutes in and I'm being kept thoroughly entertained! The Green Goblin guy from Spiderman has just reared his head, and I'm so entertained I'd actually stopped reviewing. This doesn't look like its going to be a typical cops and robber type film! Maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty to judge. That also means that the rest of this review is going to be written AFTER I watch the film. Maybe

---Come on Foster, Where are ya??---

Ok so I was wrong. She's not a robber. She's...well... I'm not sure yet. Give me a minute. Oh well, she's gone again. Lets focus on what's happening now. The robbers have dressed up all their hostages in the same suits as themselves. We have so far seen Washington interrogate a few of the hostages in, what I'm assuming, is the "future" and the owner of the bank is asking Foster to make sure his safe deposit box disappears. This film is quickly becoming one of my favourite I've watched this year. Not only does it have a hot guy playing the Bank robber (Clive Owen), the insults thrown around are possibly the most hilarious I've heard in a while. Due to their crude nature, I can't even begin to let you in on them. Lets just say they use my favourite four letter C word in one of them.

Apart from the insults, I'm also starting to realise this is going to be one of those films that you never know what's actually going to happen till the end. On the plus side, it's also one of those that you don't actually mind not knowing.

---No...Way...---

So it would seem its not the whole way through. This just got even more different. It would seem our robbers are more like a saint than sinner...well...they aren't all bad. In fact, I think I'm on their side. Oh bugger it, I don't know what side I'm on. I'm starting to see why they couldn't really describe this film all too well in the blurb. That really was all the information they can give without telling you exactly what's going on. It is about a bank heist...er...yeah... I'm not even going to try.

---Roll Credits---

Well, that's the film finished now. I can't tell you how impressed I am. Yes, I am easily impressed but I care not. The motives, twists and turns are so original you'll never guess what's happening unless you've seen it before. And if you have, then that's just cheating. Bad person!

---How did the actors do?---

I feel I have told you nothing about the movie. Watch it and you'll understand. I can, however, let you know that the actors gave some great performances. Fosters character was played perfectly and was a great escape from the normal roles that I've seen her in. She's a real bitch in this and is VERY good at it.

Washington, he plays pretty much the role he always does. Good cop. Being that this is his only roll, he too excelled at it, but it wasn't exactly a break from the norm.

Owen was utterly fantastic as the cool and collected Bank robber type, never for one second letting us think he is anything but incredibly intelligent and absolutely gorgeous. Because he is. And I am going to marry him. Yup. (I feel my English teacher would be cringing if she read over the last few sentences and not just because she's a bit of phobe)

Hostages, hostages, hostages. Amazing, all of them. We don't know who is a hostage and who isn't until the very end. Ok, that's more to do with the writing, but it all good. The acting was spot on from everyone.

---Complaints---

I don't really have anything negative to say about this movie...apart from one tiny, stupidly insignificant thing. There is a scene where you get to see a game a little boy is playing on his hand held micro play box revolution 3 (or something to that effect) and the graphics in the game are just pants. They could have done a lot better. See, told you it wasn't important. Actually, one more thing now that I think of it. It wasn't really explained how the guy leading everyone knew his stuff. Not a huge problem as there are a few hints towards possible solutions, but for those who don't like to think too hard, it might present some confusion later on.

---Bore me, please?---

So that's the film, now for the boring stats hanging round it.

Age: those of us who have been on the planet for 15 years or more can watch this without too much hassle. Those who have just arrived, through space travel, time travel or that other, rather messy option, should steer clear. Though being honest, there's not much to make it a 15 other than the brilliant use of the C word, which, by the way, I will be using for weeks to come.

Running time: 2 hours and 3 minutes. Don't worry though, you'll be too busy trying to guess what the master plan is to even care what time it is.

Subtitles: If you don't speak English then hopefully, you will speak something else. If you DO speak something else, then it better be either Arabic, Danish, Dutch, Finnish, Hebrew, Icelandic, Swedish, Russian or Norwegian, otherwise you will be a bit screwed when it comes to watching this DVD.

Price: Well, my copy technically incurs costs of a few drinks a month, Christmas and birthday presents and having to put up with girl on girl action at the weekend. If you were to actually BUY your copy then it should cost you anything upward of £2.99 from play.com. A reason in itself to buy. Go on. Do it.

---Are we there yet?---

We have arrived at the end of the review! So this is the part where I tell you that the plot, unlike this rather spur of the moment review, is fantastically well planned and executed. The only thing that could have made it better was if they had some extras and my computer didn't keep making it jump the whole way through the bloody film. Put this in your "must watch" pile now.