X-cruciating! (Jason X (DVD))

Name: l-m-n-o-p

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Product:	Jason X (DVD)
Date:	13/08/07 (127 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Some funny death scenes

Disadvantages: Really bad script, acting, characters; not scary, not that funny either...

Jason X is the tenth instalment (see what they did there?) of the Friday 13th franchise, which by general consensus has been getting worse and worse. Considering the original wasn’t that great to start with, you can see why it’s been over ten years since the 9th film.

However, in 2001, Jason Vorhees returned. With knobs on.

This film opens in the year 2009, and Jason Vorhees is being held in some kind of Crystal Lake laboratory, ready to be cryogenically frozen, in order to stop him from killing. However, with predictable ease, he escapes from his shackles and goes on a mini-rampage. He doesn’t quite get to hack everyone to pieces though - one plucky lady (Lexa Doig) manages to trap him in the freezer, only for Jason to somehow stab her with his machete through the thick steel doors, leading to a leak which results in the pair of them being frozen.

Skip forward 450 years. A team of space-travelling scientists with a group of young, sex-obsessed students in tow discover the two specimens, take them on board, and unfreeze them. Yes, both of them.

Needless to say, Jason goes on another killing spree. Will anybody be able to stop him? Will anybody at home care?

Jason X is a bad, bad film. Suffering from a lack of scares, a dire script full of cheesy lines and cardboard cut-out characters, and a plot that doesn’t even remotely make sense, it’s almost one of those films that are so bad, they’re fun to watch. Almost.

To me, it’s more of a comedy than a horror. Well, in that the acting is laughable, and it’s not scary. The whole cast of students are dreadful, and the main professor guy speaks his lines so fast that you don’t understand what he’s saying. This isn’t helped by a script full of clichéd sci-fi jargon, so to be honest you wouldn’t understand what he’s saying even if he spoke normally.

The characters are incredibly annoying, especially the token kooky/hippy/funny character, who gets his arm chopped off early on, thus creating a sequence of unfunny gags revolving around him holding his own arm. The rest of them just go round having sex and delivering either smutty innuendos or lame put-downs, and there’s one woman whom you can’t tell whether she’s playing a robot or whether it’s just her acting.

It’s more fun to root for Jason.

For their part, this writers seem to know that it’s not scary, and so instead fill it with naff one-liners, which do at least make it amusing, in a cringe-inducing kind of way. For example, one of the characters gets impaled on a giant screw. “What’s his status?” asks the guy in charge. Wait for it… “he’s screwed!” Comedy genius. Also, when one of the characters gets sucked out of a vent, we’re treated to the line: “that sucks on so many levels”. Indeed.

Admittedly, there two good death scenes. Firstly, Jason freezes a woman’s face in liquid nitrogen, then proceeds to smash it on a table. This being a gory teenage slasher movie, we even get to see the remnants of what used to be her head! Secondly, he ties two campers up in bags and swings them against a tree, which is funnier than it sounds, if you're into that kind of thing.

Sadly, that bit of face-smashing is the only good bit of CGI in the film. The rest looks pretty cheap and uninspired, which is even more disappointing considering the director used to work in special effects.

I suppose Jason X is decent enough if you want some cheap laughs at a Halloween party (which is where I first saw it), but even then you’ll be laughing AT the film rather than with it. If you’re looking for frights, stay well away - there are none to be found here! It’s not even that gory (hence the disappointing 15 rating - always a sign of a poor slasher) and the deaths (other than the afore-mentioned ones) are your usual hack and slash fare.

So, I think you get the general idea by now - avoid Jason X at all costs!
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You can buy Jason X from www.dvd.co.uk for £4.95. I wonder why it’s so cheap…

Directed by: James Isaac

Starring:

Kane Hodder … Jason Vorhees
Lexa Doig ... Rowan
Lisa Ryder ... Kay-Em 14
Peter Mensah (the messenger from 300) ... Sgt. Brodski
Jonathan Potts ... Professor Lowe

Classification: 15 (strong horror violence, language and some sexuality)

Running time: 93 minutes

Year: 2001

My rating: 2/10

Summary: Cringe-worthy