What the hell's occuring? (Lesbian Vampire Killers (DVD))

Member Name: JayHall1991

Product:	Lesbian Vampire Killers (DVD)
Date:	29/03/09 (78 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Nice Effects

Disadvantages: Stupid, Boring, Silly, Pathetic

Thousands of years ago a powerful vampire queen reigned over a remote village and turned all of the female residents into ravenous lesbian vampires; her sexuality was so strong that she turned the sexuality of a strong knights wife, making him fight and kill her. However, the queen put a curse upon the knight stating that all the men in his generation shall suffer and have to live with the fear that she will one day rise and they alone will be able to killer. Skip to 2009 and two losers are planning a trip away; Jimmy is trying to escape a broken heart and Fletch has just lost his job as a children's clown. After a night boozing they decide to go on a walking trip to a small village away from any civilization... but things are not as they seem when the village is only occupied by men. The night takes an even stranger turn when they are offered the use of a cottage for the night and supernatural events force them to question all that they think they know...........

It was with more than a little trepidation that I went to see Lesbian Vampire Killers, but as a die-hard fan of the BBC Three super-hit Gavin and Stacy which put its two stars James Corden and Matthew Horne on the map, I decided that it was my duty to check out their first cinematic outing despite some pretty scathing reviews and a less than stellar trailer. I figured that the film could go one of two ways - it could have been a so-bad-it's-good B movie with laughs and scares galore, or it could have been a tacky horror-comedy that lacks wit, scares or anything remotely funny..... Sadly its recycled gags, stifling screenplay and stagnant direction guarantees that it is, without a shadow of a doubt, the latter. It is just an awful piece of film making with very little to recommend it - it fails to inspire any laughter with its ridiculous toilet humour and its stumbling attempt to create tension are horrifying for all the wrong reasons. For a film that trades on shabby B movie appeal it turns out to lack any sense of fun or excitement - it appears to be, like its characters, drained of its life-force with everyone going through the motions without bringing any vitality to the proceedings.

Perhaps the most obvious problem with Lesbian Vampire Killers is the fact that it doesn't have a clue what it wants to be' it swings from "horror" to "comedy" wildly with no sense of coherency or fluidity... the films comes off as an uncontrollable mash-up of genres that really don't work together. The horror elements of the script are completely diluted by the attempts at raising a chuckle and the humour never really occurs after the first ten minutes. It's a bizarre, and wholly unconvincing, mix and makes the film extremely uneven. This is down to the terrible screenplay that displays some dreadfully unrealistic dialogue, some extremely thin characterization and a crazy structure; it never finds it groove and never finds its focus. The opening is predictable and fails to make the dodgy premise any more convincing or interesting and the whole thing limps towards a flat conclusion which is completely set up for a potential sequel. The script relies almost solely on jokes about homosexuals, sexual acts and horror movie clichés to try and deliver the laugh quotation but it fails spectacularly; it just isn't funny. And worst of all the script lacks the intelligence to capitalise on the energy and talent of its talented leads - Paul Hupfield could have used this as an opportunity to subvert the horror genre or at least offer some clever physical comedy, but doesn't.

Lesbian Vampire Killers would have been so much better if it had at least tried to do something interesting or daring; it might still have failed but at least it would be memorable. The story doesn't make a lot of sense and seems to spiral out of control at the half way mark with some bizarre back-story about an ancient vampire queen that's never fully explained. It's not even as if the film is particularly outrageous or shocking - with a title like Lesbian Vampire Killers you might expect some self-knowing naughtiness but there is very little in the way of even childish laughs. The whole thing looks as murky as the screenplay and even the dreary sets seem to reflect the laziness of the whole thing. Phil Claydon's lethargic direction adds nothing to the film; he never gets the film into a suitable pace and drags some of the scripts jokes completely flat - he displays no sense of comic timing and no eye for style or visuals. He tries to create an air of mystery and tension with moody lighting and violin music but these are shaky at best and the moments that try to scare are all sign-posted way before the obligatory loud noise to make the audience jump. He takes a potentially fun idea and just grinds it into mediocrity, making some of the scripts few surprises completely unengaging and dreary.

Both Horne and Corden do as much as they can with the material, but there isn't really anything that they could do to raise the script and direction out of obscurity. Matthew Horne is a relatively successful straight-man in that he delivers his lines fairly naturally and is pretty likeable as the heart broken Jimmy. His transformation from meek and mild to slightly more strong willed is quite well played and his chemistry with both Corden and Myanna Buring makes some of the film scenes at least mildly affecting. He doesn't have a lot of comedic aspect to work with -which is a shame as he has very good comedic timing- but plays the mopey and wet character with enough sparks to make him interesting. The film requires James Corden to be a big clown and he does so adequately; he does garish and obscene with a certain amount of charm and milks the physical comedy for all that it is worth. He is a nice contrast to the other cast members and bounces around frantically throughout the whole thing. He brings an energy to the proceedings that is sorely missing elsewhere and whilst he seems a little too loud throughout he does raise a few chuckles.

Some credit should go to the special effect department who manage to create some very convincing vampires and visual effects; the finale in particular gives them opportunity to experiment with blankets of fire and other such malarkey. Some of the vampire deaths are very well done (there is a moment when somebody gets an axe lodged in their head which is spectacularly recreated) and suitably disgusting. And the set pieces add quite nicely to the overall feel of the film, with dark oppressive trees and a nicely set out cottage setting which allows for some reasonably effective jumpy moments.

Overall Lesbian Vampire Killers is one of the worst examples of British cinema in quite a while; it is hopelessly directed and tries to create 90 minutes of entertainment out of a soggy 20 minute premise. There is very little here that raises a snigger let alone a belly laugh and the films overall look is as tired as everything else about it. I wouldn't recommend spending your money on it - even if you are one of Horne and Corden's most ardent fans.

Summary: Not worth a watch