When Do I Get To See The Goddam Sailboat? (Mallrats (DVD))

Member Name: genny symbio

Product:	Mallrats (DVD)
Date:	17/06/01 (126 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Fast paced, witty and funny, thoroughly enjoyable

Disadvantages: Some strong language and adult concepts

'One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room.

So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, '"Jesus, Walt! You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off ?"

'And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out ?"

'My cousin was a weird guy…'


Featuring a much higher budget and a far more recognisable cast than its predecessor Clerks, Mallrats is a hilarious mix of action, romance, melodrama, witty repartee and slapstick comedy.

The movie begins as T.S. (Jeremy London - Party of Five) arrives at his girlfriend Brandi's house (Claire Forlani - Meet Joe Black), to pick her up for their planned weekend trip to Florida. However instead of being packed, she has promised to act as a fill-in contestant on her father's new game show 'Truth or Date', as the previous contestant had given herself an embolism swimming laps in the YMCA pool. After a heated argument in which T.S. accuses Brandi of being a 'daddy's girl', they break up.

Meanwhile his friend Brodie (Jason Lee - Almost Famous) is not having much better luck with his other half. He continues to play hockey video games in bed while rejecting Renee (Shannon Doherty - Charmed)'s attempts to get amorous ("Sweet f**king christ, would you knock it off? God!"). Renee, finally having had enough, throws a letter at him as she climbs out the window ("What, you're dumping me? Is this because I wouldn't introduce you to my mother?")

So T.S. pops round to Brodie's, where
they discuss their respective dumpings before deciding to 'ease their simultaneous double loss' with a trip to - where else - the mall.

Once there they run into a seemingly endless melee of bizarre characters:

Willem (Ethan Supplee), who is obsessed and increasingly frustrated with the Magic Eye display ("When do I get to see the goddam sailboat?"),

Tricia (Renee Humphrey), a 15 year old genius who is researching for a book called "Bore-gasm - a study of the nineties' male's sexual prowess" by sleeping with various men between the ages of 14 and 30,

Shannon (Ben Affleck - Armageddon), the distinctly unlikable manager of the clothing store 'Fashionable Male' who declares to Brodie his intention to shag Renee in a 'very uncomfortable place' ("What, like the back of a Volkswagen"?),

Gwen (Joey Lauren Adams - Big Daddy), an ex- of T.S.'s with a penchant for shagging guys on pool tables at fancy dress parties,

Ivannah (Priscilla Barnes), the topless fortune teller with a third nipple,

Stan Lee, creater of the X-Men (as himself), who waxes lyrical to Brodie about relationships,

…and of course, Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith).

Yes, the two 'stoners' are back and making more trouble than ever - after agreeing to help T.S. and Brodie sabotage Brandi's father's game show (which as it happens is to be filmed at the mall), they set about debilitating the main security guard, LaFours, in a series of increasingly elaborate ways. [I wouldn't be surprised if Kevin Smith (also the director) made this movie just so he could wear the batman outfit and use all the cool gizmos.]

But for our two main heros, Brandi's dad turns out to be the most formidable opponent. He's never liked T.S., and sees this as the perfect opportunity to end their relationship once and for all. Can
the guys get past his security measures, save the day and get their girls back?


Though I have to say this movie is my least favourite of Kevin Smith's Jersey series (the others being Clerks, Chasing Amy and Dogma), this is only because the other three are absolutely fantastic and I guess one of them had to take last place. Mallrats is a fun movie, and it has plenty to keep you laughing even if perhaps not as thought provoking as the other movies.

The thing I actually enjoyed the most about this movie was trying to spot all the links to the Clerks (which as it turns out, if you study the timeline, is actually set the day before Mallrats) and the other movies. For example, Julie Dwyer, the girl who died in the pool, is actually the same girl whose wake Dante and Randal close the store to go to in Clerks. Tricia Jones is the little sister of Heather Jones (the girl chatting up Rick Derris in Clerks) and Alyssa Jones in Chasing Amy. Gill Hicks bears the same surname (and a striking resemblance) to Dante in Clerks and Grant (the reporter) in Dogma. Randall from Clerks also tells a story about his cousin Walter (this time about self-fellatio) - does this mean he and Brodie are cousins? …How many more can you spot?

The soundtrack (though I haven't actually bought it yet - I intend to) is pretty good and contains songs by Weezer, Bush, Elastica and Silverchair, as well as several soundbites from the movie. I believe it is available from HMV.

If you're interested in comic books, there is a great series of four comics called 'Chasing Dogma' which starts from where Mallrats left off and continues the story of Jay and Silent Bob's adventures right up until the beginning of Dogma. You can buy these comics individually or together in book form (including an introduction by Kevin Smith) from Forbidden Planet.

Also watch out for the fifth movie in the Jersey series, 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike
Back', due for American release in August this year. Let's hope it doesn't take too long to get over our way!

For merchandise check out Jay and Bob's Secret Stash (http://store.yahoo.com/jsbstash/)

For more information on Mallrats and other Kevin Smith movies check out the View Askewniverse (www.viewaskew.com)

<shameless plug mode> If you enjoyed this review, you may like to check out my review on Clerks, 'I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today'. </shameless plug mode>


'Adventure. Excitement. A jedi craves not these things.'
- Silent Bob, Jedi master in training

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