Written By A Machine (Mean Machine (DVD))

Member Name: thequy

Product:	Mean Machine (DVD)
Date:	05/01/02 (127 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Can I get back to you on that?

Disadvantages: See op

I’ve not reviewed any films on Dooyoo to date because of an inherent weakness in my character. It’s best described as the bastard son of an inferiority complex and that trait oft found in young males - pride. Every time I watch something that leaves a strong impression, I’m tempted to put fingers to keyboard and clock up a few more miles towards that elusive payday. Then I read sweeping reviews from seasoned veterans of the armchair/UCI season ticket holders, complete with profound insights on the clever use of this and that technique, linking commentary to other works of the genre and interesting background notes on the director/actors. I reconsider what I can add to the category, conclude a dismal ‘not much’ and decide (once again) to leave it to the experts.

However, my somewhat flawed character has another ungodly trait that can overcome this, namely the desire to get even. To cut a long story short-ish, Zoe Page and I operate this democratic system whereby I choose what we see. It generally works as long as it doesn’t turn out to be such a stinker that there’s no denying I’ve booboo’d big-time, and by way of recompense Zoe gets to pick the next one with *no* option of veto from your soon-to-be-suffering reporter (sniff). ‘Mean Machine’, you’ve condemned me to either ‘Princess Diaries’ or ‘Serendipity’ and for that, you deserve everything that’s coming. Cue profanities, tears and thumping of keyboard.


There were no signs of what lay ahead when we set out on that bleak winter’s evening. I knew that the plot was simple but harmless, essentially that of the ‘The Longest Yard’ (1974: Burt Reynolds is an American football star who ends up in the slammer and finds himself coaching a team of cons for a high profile game against prison guards). Trailers had promised the team behind previous British hits, not least Guy R
itchie (albeit as Executive Producer), Vinnie Jones and Jason Statham. Throw in a recommendation from my brother that it was bloody marvellous and I thought I was onto a sure-fire winner to extend my hogging of the cinema selections. How wrong. How so very wrong.


Vinnie Jones is Danny Meahan, formerly ‘the Mean Machine’, formerly England captain. His fall from grace starts with rigging a match and breaking the hearts of a nation by deliberately conceding a penalty against (shock, horror) the Germans, and finishes with a 3 year jail sentence for drink driving and assaulting a policeman. The rest you know: Meahan is initially forced into coaching the cons vs the guards but eventually throws heart and soul into it, winning the respect of all along the way - cue Machiavellian goings-on before and during the match, moral dilemmas, the obligatory sexual conquest (yep, even inside a prison, I’ll let you work out the details) and of course, the match itself. Which the cons win with the last kick as the final seconds tick away. Come on, I’m not really giving anything away am I?

Did I mention the obligatory sexual conquest? There’s also the obligatory hard-as-nails psycho, the obligatory old-timer (no birds of the feathered variety though), the obligatory snitch, the obligatory brutal head guard, the obligatory warden with a vested interest in proceedings, the obligatory... Admittedly, this was never going to be a ‘Seven’ or ‘Sixth Sense’ but a straight forward vehicle for Vinnie Jones’ rising star and a host of football/prison gags and emotive scenes with macho men discovering themselves and the value of loyalty, trust and honour. Fair enough - if it had been done well. Sadly, ‘if’ is very much the operative word.

I suspect that Barry Skolnick, the director, thought much as I initially did - that all the ingredients were already there for another slick comed
y that taps into British culture. The cultural elements are certainly there as are the supporting cast, many of whom proved their worth in Guy Ritchie’s hits plus Danny Dyer from Human Traffic (a warm and funny caricature of club culture). What Skolnick fails to do is build upon these foundations, instead weakening them by allowing an absolutely dire script to survive the editing process.

The result is a mish-mash of disjointed scenes that don’t flow and hang together like a badly sewn patchwork quilt. Everything that precedes the football match feels like it was hastily thrown in as an afterthought so the audience knows why X does Y during the game. The mood jumps awkwardly between comedy and serious and it’s not a pleasant rollercoaster ride at that. There’s one funeral scene in particular which is meant to convey the enormity of what’s at stake but instead leaves you chuckling at the cons shuffling past to pay their respects. Clichés you almost expect with a story like this but someone obviously graduated with honours from the College of Clichés and Crap Characterisation.

Vinnie Jones and Jason Statham were both brilliant in ‘Lock Stock’ and ‘Snatch’, their pithy deliverances leaving me in stitches. Unfortunately, they’re both absolutely wasted in ‘Mean Machine’. Danny Meahan is supposed to be a jolly decent fellow at the end of the day so Jones is unable to fall back on the terse hard man that got him noticed in the first place. He has much more to say than in previous films but most of it is dog poop and he consequently flounders. Statham’s problem is the opposite. His character, ‘the Monk’, doesn’t do much more than flex his muscles, grunt and a pretty good impersonation of Fabien Barthez (and I don’t mean the shaved head either).

Going back to Meahan, there were times when I was convinced Jones had a hand in writing
the script, such is the James Bond treatment given to his character i.e. everything he does turns to gold, including a fight against an established nutter (guess who wins, despite his plaintive cry that he’s a footballer not a boxer).

I’ve been told I’m too much of a stickler for believability but several points in this film really niggle. In the opening scene, Meahan is supposedly smashed out of his face yet does a fine impression of a Formula 1 driver, evading the police in his Merc (driving one handed, bottle in the other) and pulling up smartly in front of a bar before he remembers he’s supposed to be pissed and collapses onto the counter to order a whisky. Otherwise, the relationship between cons/guards/warden throughout the film is annoyingly inconsistent. One minute, A is grovelling to B because B is quite capable of smashing his head in. Seconds later, B doesn’t take offence to A literally spitting obscenities into his face. As for the solitary confinement cell, no wonder the guards command no respect. And... sigh, call me a nitpicker why don’t you. One thing I’m absolutely convinced of - if the cons really thought he threw a game against the Germans, they’d batter him to death with a bierwurst (and that’s if the guards don’t get to him first).

The film does have a few saving graces. Some of the scenes are actually quite funny in isolation but a handful of decent patches on a badly made quilt will not keep you warm on a cold winter’s night - especially when the good bits stick out so obviously from the rest.

One bit that I applauded was the end of the match (because I was desperately waiting for something worth applauding and because it promised the end of the film) - although the outcome of the game was never in doubt, just how it comes about isn’t quite as you’d expect.

In addition, there are a host of faces from ‘Lock Stoc
k’ and ‘Snatch’:

LOCK STOCK:
Jason Statham
One of the other central four lads (not the cook, not Nick Moran)
One of the Scouse robbers
The Greek (I think)

SNATCH:
Two of the bumbling crooks that try to hold up the bookies


This wasn’t a saving grace as such but by then I was so eager for something to pass the time, I was looking for familiar faces like you do at a party where you don’t know anyone and just want to go home.

Big dog’s proverbials. The last time I @*?%$^! up so badly on viewing selection, it was ‘The Fast and the Furious’ but to quote Miss Page, “This time, there weren’t even any fit guys to ogle”. Ladies, you’ve been warned.


PS. Ignore the category description. There is no plot to escape - that’s in ‘The Longest Yard’. The characters here wouldn't have the, erm, character for anything so complex.

PPS. I know strictly speaking this shouldn’t be in Previews, but when the item appears in ‘Currently Showing’, I’ll ask to get it moved. Ta.

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