The Viceroy and the Virgin (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (DVD))

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Product:	Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (DVD)
Date:	24/07/02 (23 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Liam Neeson

Disadvantages: Ray Park

One of the nice things about Episode 2's release was that we could finally bury our disappointment at Episode 1's rambling narrative and Jamaican sidekicks and look at it with something approaching sanity and detachment. We marvelled at the cool wheelie robots and lightsabres, some of us foamed at the mouth with loathing for a certain Gungun (I liked him), and now we can sharpen our talons and analyse it to bits. It's worth mentioning, then, that this is not EXACTLY a review, but I think you'll find much food for thought within it.

Let's ignore the really nasty streak which led Lucas to portray Anakin as a little saint (which will make his corruption all the sweeter), and concentrate on ripping the michael. Top of the menu is Queen Amidala, apparently destined to become Luke Skywalker's Mum. No disrespect to Portman, whose acting throughout is fine, and a million miles away from Léon. The problem is the utterly redundant sub-plot with a decoy queen. Amidala has a decoy bodyguard who steps in when the queen herself is in danger and effectively draws enemy fire. Fair enough. But why is it that this decoy spends half the film hiding safe and well in the Naboo ship while her 'servant' runs around a planet run by the Hutt mafia?

We are also told that the Naboo are peaceful. So, quite apart from wondering why they've got guns hidden in the throne (supposedly the ultimate symbol of civil order, after all), why do they have such an elaborate decoy scheme in the first place? Exactly what use is a Natalie Portman-sized bodyguard? And why does this decoy queen only ever appear when everyone seems to be safe? If she's a decoy, why don't they separate her from the real queen in the first place? After all, if R2D2 hadn't saved the day, the Naboo cruiser would have been destroyed. I don't think the Trade Federation would have been too bothered about which of the identical floating corpses was the queen.


We can accept, I suppose, the basic idea of having a decoy. We've seen Short Circuit, after all. Perhaps they would even have been able to implement it during the time between the start of the blockade and the invasion. The thing is, I would assume that such a scheme would have been dreamed up by over-cautious security advisors. But Captain Panaka (I think that's right) seems to be in charge of security. I think it's implied that he knows about the scheme, perhaps he even thought of it, but the manic paranoia suggested by it seems to be lacking in him. Why on earth would he insist (on Amidala's behalf) that 'Padmé' accompany the Jedi on Tatooine?

The whole point seems to be to provide a predictable twist to the plot. The two Jedi Knights give a wry grin ('We've been worrying about saving the wrong person all along, ah fudge it, she's a cheeky monkey' - how likely do you think that is?), Anakin is amazed, and everyone gives a little gasp of astonishment. But how much more apt it would have been if Boss Nass had just said, "Why?" The audience is supposed to be surprised, but isn't. We've seen publicity photos of Natalie Portman as Queenie, and we can recognise her Padmé persona without difficulty. The only people that are really fooled are the Federation leaders.

Ah yes, the Trade Federation. The organisation from which the Empire will be formed, according to some sources. Pardon my scepticism, but one has to wonder why Darth Sidious chose such an ineffective bunch to manipulate. They have countless doughnut ships in space imposing a total blockade but manage to let a cruiser through, twice. Their Battle Droids find an enemy craft in their hangar, and wait around until its systems come back on-line and the boy inside launches proton torpedoes into their engines, and they succeed in pissing off two Jedi Knights for no very good reason. Why didn't they just say they'd call off the
blockade, wait until they were in the shuttle and vaporise the whole craft? I'd like to see a lightsabre deflect that.

Of course, the whole point is that the Federation is incompetent, ultimately Darth Sidious wants the blockade to fail so he can use the episode to become senator. But it's certainly clear why we've never seen these Federation aliens before, by the time of the original trilogy, they've probably all killed themselves changing lightbulbs or something.

I'd hate anyone to think I didn't actually enjoy the film, but I think the point that's been made by so many commentators should be made again. The Phantom Menace is a kids' film. That doesn't mean it's a bad film, but it does mean that the plot doesn't stand up to too much scrutiny. The first question that ever occurred to me was to wonder what Naboo had actually done to justify the blockade beyond Palpatine's manipulations.

My own feeling is that Lucas is a worryingly shrewd guy. The original Star Wars was a jolly romp followed by two darker pieces (OK, Jedi wasn't too dark, but the Emperor/Vader/Skywalker barny is still one of my favourite scenes). These films will probably follow much the same pattern. I think Lucas is trying to get a new generation of children hooked on the first film, and then allowing the tone of the films to mature with them. A ten-year-old wants Boy's Own-style adventures. By the time we get to Episode III, they'll be fifteen or sixteen and terribly pretentious, wanting 'gritty realism' (a term defined by Doctor Who writers as meaning, 'Anything where people have three days of stubble and shout a lot').

That's a really good way of guaranteeing an audience (the fans of the first batch were going to see the film no matter how childish it was, if only so they could bitch about it, that's the way fans are). And Lucas delivered a fresh batch of really cool things
. The first trilogy gave us lightsabres, X-Wings, crackly fingers, Darth Vader and speeder bikes. Now we've got Podracers, double-length lightsabres and rolling robots. Not bad.

This is aimed squarely at children, but that being so, I really think a less convoluted narrative would have helped Lucas no end. A generation of bearded fans complaining that their greatest story ever told began with a tax dispute was unfortunate publicity.

Although having said that, it now occurs to me to wonder whether Lucas has some sort of spiritual agenda. Quite apart from the virgin birth of Anakin Skywalker (the looney right appeared to miss that one), it might be worth bearing in mind that the Nativity began with a census for tax purposes. Gosh, Qui Gon and Obi Wan as shepherds, bringing their Naboo flock with them... really odd.

Oh yes, the music was quite good, with just enough of Williams's original work to anchor the film's action within the same universe as the original trilogy without being overly self-referential.

And all hail Brian Blessed as a shouty king.

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