Notify Your Next of Kin, 'Cause You're Never Coming Back (The Children (DVD))

Member Name: plipplop

Product:	The Children (DVD)
Date:	09/06/09 (83 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Some gruesome bits and a couple of twists

Disadvantages: Some really, really silly bits and ITV1 drama tone to the whole thing

A review of just the film, The Children was released on region 2 DVD at the end of March 2009.

It's the Christmas holidays and Elaine and husband Jonah take their three kids to visit Elaine's sister Chloe, her husband Robbie and their two young children in a sprawling old house, deep in the English countryside. Everyone seems happy enough, except Elaine's eldest daughter Casey who would rather spend the time at a party with her friends. Initially pleasant enough, the cracks start to appear with friction between the couples and between Chloe and Casey largely as a result of Robbie's overt interest in his sexy young niece. The children spend the time happily enough but gradually start to become cranky and ill-mannered, resulting in some unpleasant tantrums. Distracted by their own irritations, the adults seem largely unaware of the children's changing mood until, suddenly, it's all rather too late. A terrible accident in the garden marks the beginning of a decidedly un-festive nightmare.....

In W Delta Z, director Tom Shankland proved that he could 'sort of' do horror films. In The Children, Shankland has another go and proves the same 'sort of' skill that he had the last time. Unquestionably, the director has en eye for something a little unusual, but this time round, Shankland is his own undoing, cursing himself with a shoddy little narrative that seems intent on irritating the audience further and further until the whole thing descends into an implausible mess.

The idea of children turning into little horrors is hardly anything new. Probably most triumphantly portrayed in The Omen, there have been whole series of films focusing on the idea (Children of the Damned and Children of the Corn to name but two) but very few directors have managed to do anything notable with the idea. Plagued with the censors' conflict of featuring little people well under the age of eighteen in a film intended for people over the age of eighteen, these films suffer from silly, pseudo-horrific scripts that never really get to the horrific heart of the matter. The horror concept is simple and should be entirely effective; the literal portrayal of mummy's little angel turning into mummy's little demon before her very eyes and the confusion of loyalty to your child and trying to stay alive should make for a very good story. Sadly, in The Children, it doesn't.

As is very often the case in these films, it's the adults that are the problem. In The Children, they're superficially that kind of wholesome middle England bunch that pretty much deserves everything they get. Over-protective, over-zealous or both, they're the sort of parents that you dread spending any time with. Caught nicely in the middle is teenaged Casey who we learn, early on, isn't overly fond of her little siblings and before long it all feels rather like a rather tense ITV1 drama. When the poop hits the fan, the characters rapidly become divided into those who can see no wrong in their babies, and those who have immediately recoiled at the children's journey to the dark side and now see them as the enemy. This, inevitably, leads to confusion and conflict between the adults, only furthering the aims of the newly demonic infants. It's irritating stuff. People draw themselves into predictably perilous situations where even with no end of greyish make-up and sombre faces will we be convinced that the child actors were in any way responsible. Worse still, despite the apparent tenderness and fragility of the little ones, they seem capable of wreaking havoc and taking the adults apart with virtually no effort whatsoever.

It's crammed with cliché. A cat disappears only to be heard screeching ominously in the night. The children manipulate and deceive the adults and even when very obvious evidence confronts them (a child's toy rammed into the intestines?) the parents still believe that they can kiss it all better. Shankland makes a few observations about parental responsibilities, damning the parents collectively with their naïve stupidity and individually with their very particular favouritisms. Like any good horror, things conspire against the family in a way that is never really convincing, complete with delayed emergency services, failed mobile phone signals and bolted doors and it's all very, very tiresome. Shankland's explanation for it all is reasonably satisfying, if not rather superficially explained and there is a bit of a twist in the tale that at least rounds it all off fairly well but it's not enough to excuse the preceding ninety minutes.

Not surprisingly, as a British horror film, the cast largely comprises a selection of former soap and television actors and actresses. Fresh from Hollyoaks, Hannah Tointon makes the undemanding move onto the big screen via the horror route but is, at least, reasonably effective as a sulky, hormonal, screaming teenager. Her interplay with the lovely Jeremy Sheffield is quite predictable and Sheffield himself demonstrates that he can really only play himself, as he does here. Stephen Campbell Moore (Ashes to Ashes) is reasonably clueless and gets the honour of being the 'dark horse' of the movie (don't think for one minute that spoils things in any way. He may as well wear a T-shirt). Eva Birthistle does her best with a very limited role, but after a nasty accident in the garden, she's reduced to hobbling around helplessly and becomes rather ridiculous. Not as ridiculous, however, as her grasping, groaning sister (Rachel Shelley from the L Word). The children themselves are reasonably convincing, limited, as they are, to just a few words and a couple of sinister facial expressions but it's hard to be even remotely unnerved by their actions, purely because they're so small.

All in, Shankland's allegory to the nightmares of parenting is a pretty tiresome affair. The injection of a few gooey bits to keep the gore hounds happy just comes across as a little desperate and it's obvious he's using such things to paper over the obviously thin narrative. The ex-television cast members only really exacerbate the feeling that you've just watched a television drama and it all wears thin and wears out in a reasonably brief period of time.

Not recommended

Summary: When phlegm turns bad