Housing the worst (The Cottage (DVD))

Member Name: Ailran

Product:	The Cottage (DVD)
Date:	10/02/09 (203 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: I cant actually think of one.

Disadvantages: Everything not mentioned in advantages!

The Cottage is another in a recent run of British attempts to make a quality comedy horror, a genre that is decidedly difficult to pull off. 99 times out of 100 the comedy just isn't funny enough and the scary parts are anything but that, often being funnier, unintentionally, than the parts that are meant to make you laugh.
The Cottage is also unfortunate to have appeared at a time when out and out slasher horrors have made a resurgence, a genre that the horror side of The Cottage fits squarely into.
On the plus side it is physically impossible for it to be as bad as the Irish film 'Shrooms' which was released around the same time!
Compared to 'Shrooms' The Cottage is a work of genius, but then that is really saying much. Although it has a few good moments it still isn't really up too much at all and can be, at the very best, only be called a below average movie.

The Cottage is all about David (Andy Serkis - King Kong, The Prestige) and Peter (Reece Sheersmith - League of Gentlemen). They need money and come up with the masterplan of kidnapping Tracey (Jennifer Ellison) the foul-mouthed daughter of a local gangster.
As the story starts we join the two brothers driving, and arguing, in a car, their captive bundled up in the boot. They are driving to a remote cottage out in the English countryside, well as remote as you can get only two hours away from central London.
The cottage is habitable but not great. They plan to get the ransom and then live happily ever after on the proceeds.
What David neglects to consider though is the outright stupidity of his help and the strange goings on at a nearby farmhouse.

The Cottage isn't a total disaster it is just a close as one can get to it without actually being on. It has a couple of funny moments but suffers from the bane of most British comedies these days... an awful script. Occasionally one rises above the rest on a tsunami like wave, Death At A Funeral for example, but generally they sink below the surface, barely making a scratch on the consciousness of the cinema going public.

The three main stars in The Cottage aren't too bad, they are all trying to give something to their lines, but they can only do so much and none of them are served particularly well. Serkis plays an almost stereotypical tough guy, only glimpses of another side of him breaking out when his brother is in trouble.
Shearsmith plays all geeky and repressed, obviously under his wife's thumb, and gets little more to do than show these traits as often as possible. Cementing what we already know about the character five minutes into the movie.
Ellison is the worse off though. Her continuous foul mouthed rants get monotonous after a while and also have the detrimental effect of the anger on her face actually making her look ugly to. If this was intended then it is a clever bit of acting and a brave move on her part.
The comedy moments that do exist all revolve around the kidnappers stupidity, which makes you wonder how they managed to kidnap someone in the first place. They certainly do not seem competent enough to succeed in any sort of plan.

Of course The Cottage isn't meant to be a deep thoughtful film so little inconsistencies don't really matter, but it just isn't even entertaining either. A film to wile away 90 minutes to maybe but not one to aim to see with any sort of high expectations... unless maybe you actually enjoyed that other disastrous Brit horror Severance, a film with which it borrow more than a few similarities.

The Cottage is a film to avoid at all costs; there really is no good reason at all for wanting to see this. There are so many better films than this around that to waste 90 minutes of your life, and some hard earned money, on just seems like it should be a crime.
Avoid, avoid, avoid... at all costs!

Summary: A terrible terrible movie