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The Happening (DVD)
Member Name: ryanando
The Happening (DVD)
Date: 17/01/09, updated on 17/01/09 (138 review reads)
Advantages: None. Nada. Ziltch. Zero. Zip.
Disadvantages: Too many to fit in this tiny space.
---In the beginning...---
I have had a very interesting day. Firstly I went into town to finally pick up my calendars, so I finally have somewhere to write my "appointments" while staring at a hot guys butt. More on the other calendar...he he. After this I decided to go grab new shoes and ended up getting the ones I wanted half price, saving me near £40.
Upon getting home from work, dropping my flatmate at the pub and phoning the boyfriend, I have discovered he has man flu. That blows. It did however give me some (much needed) alone time, away from the world. What have I done with this time so far? Well, I've put on some washing, made the tea, oogled my calendar, had a glass of wine, separated my tin of celebrations into individual piles (more so I can get the ones I want out before I take them to work tomorrow, less due to some psychotic need to separate chocolates), moaned about the abundance of Mars and Snickers to myself and then decided to watch a movie.
So, assuming my... ahem... lovely... computer agrees, I'm going to plonk "The Happening" into my machine. Here goes nothing.
---What's going on?---
The first thing I notice is that this is by That Guy (M. Night Shimmy-dimmy-do-da). You know the one. Everyone raves about everything film related he touches. Then they watch it and go home feeling empty inside and quite miffed they paid good money to have their soul extracted and sold to the gods of the box office as sacrifice to make the films do well? Six sense, Signs and ...Village...people...or something... were done by him...ahem.
Just me that doesn't like him then? Personally I can't stand most things he's done. But I have it on very good authority from my lesbian with good taste in films that this one rocks. Whether it be back and forward in a padded cell, I do not know. The computer has almost miraculously accepted the fact I want to watch a film so lets see how rocky this is.
---Did you say Apocalypse?---
Lets start off by ripping the menus up. The Menu has your usual stuff plus a plug for fox's website all laid over a rather bad quality picture of a busy park type place. It's just the menu, but so far it's not boding well. Why the poor quality photo?? The music over the top, I suppose, is slightly creepy BUT it doesn't play long enough for you to ponder your choices without it restarting. Or write scathing reviews on it without it restarting. Hmm.
---Calm down dear---
Ok, I'm pushing play and I will chill out a little bit while I see if the film actually needs a good slating or not.
We begin this 15 rated "masterpiece" wondering "Who is Mark Wahlberg and why is he the only one to get his name shown before the name of the film???" Then you promptly forget that question remembering that you probably know him from such things as....er... must look him up later. I'm sure he's been in other things. OH! He HAS!! He has been in UNDERWEAR!! I knew I recognised him. As you may imagine, underwear model to actor is NOT the most fulfilling movie combination. Unless it's porn. Then I'm all for it.
So, it's one of those slow openers, displaying the credits all over some rolling clouds. I managed to write this whole bit so far and its still not started. Ooo we have film.
We start in central park. Finally. With some rather cheesy dialogue between two small characters. One of which then stabs herself in the neck. We flip to somewhere else and cars are going a bit crazy while workmen, rather than do work, start jumping off roofs. Anything to avoid working.
Give it its due, its quite a startling opener. Then we get dragged into Mr Wahlberg giving a really cheesy lecture in class and talking to a teenager like he's a lover. Creepier than the opener.
---Terrorists all over---
Cashing in on the fear of terrorism, Shamilamadingdong portrays the weird events to be an attack. An airborne virus that leads to people wanting to kill themselves. Maybe they watched Wahlbergs stale acting for too long. Possibly the acting of his screen wife (Zooey Deschanel) too.
As Wahlberg... his....female friend, possibly his wife....his...male...friend... and a kid...are on a train (yes that's about as much sense as I can make of this so far) more attacks happen. More people up and kill themselves. Only 20 minutes in and I'm a little bored. Wahlbergs wifey thing is starting to look a bit like a blow up doll with a constant wide-eyed shocked look on her face and everyone is focusing on their phones a little bit too much. I wonder how much apple paid them.
That's the number of minutes I am into this film. The acting is just bloody awful. Absolutely f***ing awful. It's rare that I feel the need to swear just to describe something (at least in a review) but it bloody stinks. I'm going to put the review down and try and watch the rest of the film. Mainly so I don't write 4 pages of swear words. (after much deliberation I went back and added some stars)
---I want to kill myself---
Ok so that's the film over. All I can say is thank god for that. The script was crap. The acting was crap. The continuity was crap. The random dialogue that made no sense at all was crap. The only bit I even remotely enjoyed was when the wide eyed blow up doll said "This is the end, isn't it?" because I suddenly saw a ray of hope.
There was no suspense, there was no feeling, there was no reason that this film should have gotten to the cinemas at all. The box told me this was Too shocking for cinemas. I think what they meant is that it was shockingly awful. I am glad there are no bloody extras on this waste of space DVD. I'm glad I didn't watch this with my boyfriend as I may have been dumped by now. I am upset that I may need to never speak to my lesbian again for buying such a heap. What a waste of 86 minutes! What a waste of £11.99!!
Don't buy it. It's crap. I refuse to write any more on this. I'm giving up on this review right now, that should tell you all you need to know.
Summary: The worst film I have had the misfortune to watch.