The Titanic Was Wooden (Titanic [1998] (DVD))

Member Name: kfingleton

Product:	Titanic [1998] (DVD)
Date:	18/06/01 (170 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Supreme FX

Disadvantages: Absolutely everything else about it

When it was released "Titanic'" (dir. James Cameron) was the most expensive motion picture of all time. And the special effects are quite magnificent. The designers and computer people really have managed to recreate the stunning ship in all it's glory. The cinematography only serves to accentuate the ships glory and create an epic image on screen. But here endeth the positive side to my review. Now I shall get angry.

This film has the worst script in the history of the moving picture. Why oh why could it not have been a silent movie? Kate Winslet can blab on to Jack as much as she likes, but it sure as hell doesn't sound like the way real people speak. Oh! no, I'm not just picking on Winslet (although her American accent is, at best, sh*te). Everyone gets to roll around in the melodrama of this bloated, horribble film.

The screenplay was obviously written by people with the same credentials as the scriptwriters. The tacked on love story is an unwelcome diversion from the human tragedy that the film should have concentrated on. Instead of focusing on the stories of the charismatic individuals that did perish or survive on the ship, Cameron has invented the most unconvincing love story since stories began. Could you imagine if Steven Spielberg had insisted on creating a 'love against all odds' plot between an SS guard and a Jewish prisoner in 'Schindler's List'? This is similar, but on a much smaller scale, (obviously). Typical rich girl meets poor boy and both fall in love. Evil rich parents arrange marriage for girl and don't wanter her marrying a pauper. Two words are needed to describe stories like this; 'Mills' and 'Boon'.

The acting is awful to, possibly in sympathy to the melodramatic crap the actors had to read out. Winslet's American twang isn't half as patronising and just plain awful as those jolly Irishmen and women found in Steerage. Of course, we Iri
sh dance a merry jig though adversity and let our kids drink Guinness. That's what we did over the past 30 years of trouble too, you know!. Anyway, the best indication of poor acting is that there were Oscar nominations involved, so you know what to expect.

This film was designed to sell, to sell itself, to sell it's actors (why else cast Mr. Di Caprio?), to sell its Godawful cod-Irish soundtrack (and soundtrack Volume II), to sell little models of the ship etc. etc. This is not a story of epic proportions. Who cares who died? No one remembers it happening anyway. This film was made by 20th Century Fox, who would happily make a movie about Hiroshima and sell figurines of melted bodies if they could.

In metaphorical terms, Titanic is not an elegant steamer, the greatest ship the world has ever seen. It is a slow-moving, fat, ugly barge, used to cart human faeces down the canal.

This film is truly the worst (and one of the longest) cinematic experiences I have ever endured. It's enjoyed by the same people who watch 'Sunset Beach'. If you haven't seen it, just don't, for your own sake, don't!

And by the way, in the end the ship sinks.

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