An Hour Long .44 Lobotomy
Vampire Wars (DVD)
Member Name: AverageJoseph
Vampire Wars (DVD)
Date: 20/06/12, updated on 28/07/12 (46 review reads)
Advantages: Action, Voices, Effects
Disadvantages: Plot, Pace, Ending, Sense, Dialogue, Length
As a young misguided teen I went through a phase of anime interest, which lasted my final school years, when I would purchase renowned Manga's that were genuinely well made films - the likes of Akira, Ninja Scroll and Spirited Away, still take pride of place on my shelf. However, during those foolish days I came across Manga 'The Collection' - a bunch of films, short and long (and series) supposedly worthy of being re-released and dubbed in English. The majority of which are rubbish. I know this from experience as I was gifted a 'collection' dvd in the form of 'Violence Jack' which has various brief trailers for the others in the collection (most of which had intense music from Japanese techno-rock group The Mad Capsule Markets, a clever ploy indeed). If only I had the foresight to be content with the trailer of 'Vampire Wars' as it is a far greater piece of work than the actual title..
Vampires, NASA and Monsieur Cookie
To start, we see two groups of people gunning each other down next to a launch site, loads of overkill with machine guns, puppeteering swiss cheese corpses to dance the night away. The only detail offered is that when one woman acts as a kamikaze bomber, she screams "VERISWALDI!" then we see two blokes on the phone, equally puzzled and then the bland title sequence. Enter Kuki, an ex-KGB operative/terrorist/mercenary... original. He's a 6ft, 250lb jerk who swigs rum straight from the bottle, treats his so called best friend like dirt and is an avid client of the ladies of the night who stroll the streets of Paris. He randomly encounters a famous actress known as 'Lamia' and gets caught up in a war between the CIA and W.I.N.G (western intellegence network group) that puts Lamia in danger. This in turn adds another war of sorts as a Vampire tears apart Lamia's bodyguards, does some freaky moves and spouts pure nonsense.
"..and dont worry i havent interfered with you or molested you or anything..."
An infamous, fumbling line when Monsieur Cookie rescues a confused Lamia. Sweet Jesus is this film bad.. It's sentences like that which make you question the accuracy of the translation, if not the intention of the writers. Its a shame because most of the dialogue is delivered rather well with convincing French accents and real, emotional purpose. Even a prostitute/telegram lady is professional enough to divulge top secret information as she unbuckles her garters. The language is appalling for the sake of being rated an 18, with lines including "you're a real sick sh*t f*ck" and another about a mans sexual inadequacy that prompts him to brutally punch a hooker square in the face, which by the way is watched in slow motion as her face absorbs a fist and ejects teeth and spurts of blood - this shockingly, is in the first 10 minutes. Oh and lets not forget the distressed call girl who ends up violated by a spiked dildo, the act may not be on screen but theres clear aftermath visuals thanks to an axe wielding maniac who bears no significance to anything at all. Despite some over the top, disturbing imagery, the actual fight scenes aren't bad, with special effects like reflections off the broken glass shards and jets of the red vino on tap.
I must go to great length to dissuade any who are considering this by letting the rest of the story speak for itself. After Kuki is persuaded (tortured) to help out W.I.N.G he comes up with his new code name "if he's called Dracula, how about calling me BAT" and then jumps out of a window all willy nilly regardless of his previous electrocution 'therapy'. He goes on to try and protect Lamia - who ends up seconds away from being bitten by a sparkling blonde haired chump of a vampire in a green suit.. (Twilight stole a bit of cinematic genius there!). This guy halts Kuki's gun, paralyzes him, then leaves. Lamia hides out with her auntie who has bad news - turns out Lamia is an alien - don't you hate it when that happens? With a blood test proving she has 'alka-chloride e2' in her system, she breaks down in tears screaming along with her auntie, instead of being confused as hell. In time, this revelation makes her super horny for mr cookie and then she gets caught in a trap thanks to the misguidedness of his friend whatshisface who barely says 2 words the whole film. Kuki is then captured also by the jolly green vamp and regaled with a fascinatingly stupid sub plot.
Are you ready for this?
Once upon a time there were two groups of people - those that believed in technology & Science and others in spiritual energy/God. They both transcended life on their home planet and reached the stars, creating space cruisers and finding immortality through their silly respective ways. One day the leader of the spiritual blokes (Veriswaldi) crash lands on earth and resides in the mountains of Transylvania, in a coma, waiting to be restored with the alien blood of.. you guessed it. Apparently vampires are very nice people who only suck the blood of the innocent to remain immortal for short periods of time, whereas this special blood is well.. special. So Chocolate Chip (Kuki:) hears this startling tale and instantly believes it, and with the aid of his new chums, attempts a final rescue for Lamia - who's being transported to America for reasons unknown. She gains magical powers, kills some guys with her super human strength, heals a shot Kuki and agrees to awaken this Veriswaldi geezer. Then as the plane flies off into the sunset, Monsieur Cookie declares his love for Lamia... despite knowing her for all of 2 days.... THE END!
That little ending is surprising in 2 aspects - 1) it leaves a whole lot of unanswered questions and 2) surprisingly makes for a joyous occasion - as you no longer have to watch such nonsensical drivel! As you'd imagine from an hour long anime with an insanely ambitious story about vampires and aliens, characters are wafer thin, the story is rushed and even the music is only capable of rising above elevator standard. Not 5 minutes go by without someone shouting the odd expletive, getting shot to ribbons or saying something brain punching-ly stupid. I just saved you an hour of your life in exchange for 5 minutes, you're welcome.
Summary: Undeserving of being watched, let alone included in a collection.