The secret war of broadcast radio (Ian Collins (talksport))

Name: the_fury

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Product:	Ian Collins (talksport)
Date:	20/04/01 (2278 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: A quietly confident alternative to what’s offered elsewhere at night.

Disadvantages: Can be overbearing, condescending and quick to dismiss items.

Have you ever heard of Ian Collins and the Creatures of the Night?

No! Well, there’s probably a good reason....he broadcasts between Tuesday morning and Friday morning at the hours of 1am to 4am. Not because he isn’t any good. But because he IS possibly the best thing on night-time radio (and it would be foolish to move him to another timeslot....).

The longest serving ‘talk jockey’ at TalkSport nee Talk Radio, he’s managed to hang around and survive the numerous dismissals that befell the station and has consistently proved to be one of it’s
strongest assets. However, his appearances in other forms of media have been restrictive to the likes of cable channels such as Challenge TV hosting game shows and appearing on talk shows such as Esther.
He’s managed to carve himself into an acceptable niche and has comfortably dwelled in it without much threat from guest hosts such as Charlie Wolf, Adrian Mills and Chris Ashley.

Serving up a variety of features over the past five years often bizarre (tarot card readers on Friday leaving way to comedy reviews from Danny Wallace NOW Dave Gorman’s assistant to film reviews with long-time listener-cum-'journalist' Ambrose Heron).

A wide variety of sidekicks came his way and in the early days, it was easily essential listening as we had Mike (a Canadian) and Myf (a Cockney) and the delectable Sarah (your typically annoying know-it-all Cambridge graduate). Unfortunately, they moved on with Mike, a producer on another show on the station, Myf moving to TV and Sarah now a TV director and producer (notably ‘Pet Rescue’...maybe, just maybe, Srah will get the last laugh on Ian....even though his consytant criticsim of her was all in jest....who really knows the truth?)

Even earlier then that was Kevin (a Scot) who was oddly tagged ‘Kevin the Wondersheep’ (probably because of his bleating....) who had left t
o go on a trek around the world BUT has now come back to become Ian’s permanent sidekick. Ian’s new assistants now include ‘Phone Sex Scott’ who mans the
phones.

Together, they go through their life, what happened to them and what’s it done to them. Mostly, Ian will set up a topic which is usually very off-kilter and expect a response. In doing this, they don’t take a lot of calls because they’re usually too busy talking to each other. In combating this facile piece of criticism, they brought out a section called ‘Screenless’ where they try to get through as many calls as possible
without screening them. of course, this leads to many wannabe pranksters. Fortunately, this segment has seemingly been dropped as he has lost an hour of his show BUT the baton has seemingly been passed on
to Tommy Boyd (what? He, who used to present children’s TV!? Well, yes....he now presents his own weekend show for TalkSport and has an excrucautingly annoying programme called ‘The Human Zoo’ which allows all sorts of cranks on the air for him to communicate to.....).

an has his own band of regular callers of who are all too numerous to mention BUT include some major minor-minor celebrities such as the ex-leader of the Rainbow Dream Ticket Party....'Rainbow George'.

Unfortunately, I think he may be aware of this website and has even fallen prey to a fast-and-loose competition where he’ll give away £50 of his own money to the most interesting listener (handily, he always seemingly forgets....as does his adoring fans who never care to bring it up....in his own words though it’s ‘the listener who most interest him’!)..

In 1999, a certain DJ moved from Capital FM to Radio One to occupy the hours of 4am to 6am. That DJ was Chris Moyles. He brought with him his sidekick and close friend monikered Comedy Dave. Also broadcasting around that times
lot was Ian Collins who broadcast from 1am to 5am.

But what’s that got to do with the title line? Interestingly enough, I was getting along to that....

A dispute fell between those listeners who were fond of both shows and felt it was important enough to bring about an issue that one DJ was stealing material from the other.

The first incident appeared with a missing words competition with Ian Collins and his ‘Fill My Crevice’ slot where listeners were lined-up to guess the missing word of what one of Talk Radio’s hosts had said
(which was almost damn-near impossible). Unfortunately, restrictions such as not being in the London vacinity cannot vouch for Chris Moyles’ innocence BUT when he came over to Radio One, he instigated a missing words competition called “What’s The Word Or Words?. This was not in any way similar to
Ian Collins’ straighter than straight version as THIS had a twist. The answer that were to be giving need not be the correct one BUT the funniest one.

It is my ambition to unite these two unappreciated titans of radio broadcasting into a war of words. They both deserve nomination at the Sonys and if bloody Zoë Ball can get one, so could either of them
easily....

Ian Collins so far is the only one willing to engage battle as is his army of listeners who regularly snipe at the fact that Moyles may be listening (I can almost guarantee you he isn’t....).and stealing more of his
material and mocking his name (‘Crispy Boils’ is Ian’s refrain....Chris’ retort is ignorance as regards this and uses ‘Crusty Smoils’ in his ‘The Not’ feature....purely coincidence?).

Ian further fuelled this when his army of listeners mentioned to him, every time Chris said a word or phrase or sound effect that was remotely similar to his. Chris couldn’t care, Ian did.

Some of Ian’s hardco
re listeners retaliated when the war had seemingly been won (they of course, thought they had won....in truth, nobody won....it was never resolved) and called into Chris’ show when he had moved into the afternoon slot pretending to carry on one of Chris’ features and then popping in
Ian Collins and his name. The one truly memorable incident occurred in a game of ‘Viaduct’ where Chris had to explain to his many listeners who Ian was, what had supposedly happened and that the guy
was an arse.

In earlier instances when listeners battled against each other.

Ian Collins curiously tried to ‘blackmail’ Comedy Dave last year by revealing he had an affair during the ‘One Big Belly’ roadshows (hinting, teasing BUT then he gave up....mainly because Dave admitted the
naughty business over at Radio One....to no visible effect).

Curiously NOT ONE Chris Moyles supporter has called in on Ian Collins’ show and mentioned him in a positive way.

You have to remember that YOU are playing by HIS rules and that he ALWAYS wins by being
condescending, quick to interrupt and dismiss and being generally bamboozling the sorry caller. You cannot win. He won’t let you win. He changes the points you’ve made. He’ll call you up and ask you for exact times and dates on events and when you ask the same of him, he’ll dismiss you by making up times OR by flagrantly shouting out he doesn’t know. Which of course brings to kind, why I never call up radio talk shows the fact that you may have to wait half an hour on the phone for your turn whilst
calling in at national rate has always deterred me....as well as the fact he has a wide variety of dismissive arguments from “I’m an complete stranger....how can you get worked up about me?” to the now
traditional “Get a life!”.

Chris’ replies? None, to the point that he dismiss
es the station Ian’s on, the fact that they’re not on the same hours and that the guy’s a crank. Most dismissively, hinting that Ian was probably talking about
dog poop on pavements....

Let the games begin! And as we spy the Guy Ritchie lookalike who sounds like a mature Nick Abbot who specialises in amateur mimicry up against the tubby Northern get with the impeccable sharp sense of bullying humour....it would be a fascinating fight to the death....even more so, then dare say: ‘Tyson versus Lewis’.

Do you know these men? If so, pass on the word....let this war be resolved. I’m confident of an upset and that Moyles would easily win.

I want someone to take Ian Collins down, Many try, they get bamboozled, they waste their own money on a phone call that could have been of better use.

Ian’s on 1058-1083am/mw on the radio OR if you’ve got Sky Digital, channel 858.

Chris' on 97-99fm on the radio OR if you've got Sky Digital, channel 851.

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