Matching The Beat Of The Machines To Whatever Is Playing On Pirate FM. (Pirate FM)

Member Name: Farting Weasel

Product:	Pirate FM
Date:	25/09/05 (244 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None

Disadvantages: House/Garage/HipHop/Jungl e It Says Here. No it's Not.

Pirate FM
Local Independent Radio, Cornwall.
102.2 FM

Local independent radio. Now there’s a beast to conjure with. It seems the criticisms levelled at the American radio stations can also be applied to the UKs’ version too. Bland, repetitive, mind numbingly boring and utterly unsatisfying. Notoriously corporate, conservative, homogenized and inoffensive. Rubbish!

And so it is with Pirate FM, whom I suppose sees itself as the housewife’s best friend. It’s a pity the housewife no longer exists. They are all out at work.

The Pirate FM radio station call sign is “Bringing you real musical variety”. Oh aye, it certainly does that, but unfortunately it’s the same variety of music over and over and over again.

So who do Pirate FM think it’s playing to? The simple answer is I don’t know. But I do know it’s left to us mugs, at work, who have to take the brunt of it over workplace p.a. systems. The jobs are boring enough, but to be force fed Pirate FM as well is torment incarnate

I work the nightshift in a Cornish factory, around which is piped Pirate FM radio. Throughout the night, every night, the same tunes are played with unnerving regularity. Some even getting the really heavy rotation treatment (take a bow Didos’ ‘I Thank You’. The current victim is KT Tunstalls’ ‘Suddenly I See’). After midnight it gets worse as they alternate a fast tune with a slowy. The format is utterly and dependably tedious. Some one, I’m sure, will find the predictability as comforting as a warm blanket on a winter’s night. Fortunately, I’ve yet to meet any one who admits to being that person. An acquaintance of mine suggested that Pirate FM provides a soundtrack to folks’ lives. Those poor people!

Now don’t get me wrong here. I don’t expect obscure B-sides from long forgotten (if not unknown) bands. But there is any amount of good, well known music of all popular genres to enable any radio station to take on the Beeb at it’s own game. And plenty of new music to be played during the graveyard hours.

I had to do a stint on the day shift and I found, unsurprisingly, the daytime schedule is almost exactly the same as the night one. There is one difference though. Oh yes. They turn the screw just that little bit more by setting loose their DJs on an unsuspecting and captive public. And these people are the types whose necks you would happily wring within ten minutes of meeting them. They are atrocious Their between-ditty chat is inane, patronizing, unfunny and irrelevant (Steve Wright used to rip the micky out of local radio dj's when he had his afternoon show on BBC Radio 1. Pirate FM is obviously where he got his material). And they take great pleasure of informing us that Pirate FM “brings you the best in local news, information and entertainment”. Yeah? Like, when?

The news is just what is making the headlines in the tabloids and rarely relevant to Cornwall. The local entertainment covered is pretty sparse, well, none existent actually. The coverage of local events given by Pirate FM would suggest Cornwall has very little to offer when it comes to getting out and about. And as for local Cornish information? Well, there isn’t any.

Their only saving grace is that they haven’t got the timing quite right yet. Unlike the North East’s’ TFM, you cannot set your watch to the tunes being played on Pirate FM (for example, on the night shift, when TFM played Robby Williams’ ‘Let Me Entertain You’ you knew it was either 00.50 or 05.55. Time to either go for bait or clear up and go home). I’m sure with a little bit of time and effort, they’ll be able to do that as well.

However, there is one thing Pirate FM is good at. Self-promotion. They are masters at it. No messing about here. No opportunity is missed to hail the virtues of Pirate FM. You’d think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. And it is. When it comes to inflicting boredom it’s untouchable. It should be investigated under the Trades Description Act, as some of their claims are totally misleading. Even when they promote a charity event, it still smacks of blowing their own trumpet. Cynical, very cynical.

So, what exactly is Pirate FM for? I honestly couldn’t tell you.

The music is nothing that cannot be heard on other, better radio stations. Original local bands haven’t a hope in hell of getting their stuff played unless they have cracked the national charts first (e.g. Joss Stone), and they certainly don’t do sessions or live transmissions. So Pirates’ use to music promotion is nothing more than to regurgitate the same, tired old songs again and again. (And funnily enough, Quos ‘Again And Again’ never gets played. ‘Whatever You Want’ does though. Ironic?).

What’s left? Well not a lot I’m afraid.

When there are big national and international events, Pirate FM shouts it’s support from the rooftops, but does little else. For instance, the 2003 Rugby World Cup. Pirate said they were the sponsors. Oh yeah? How does that work then? The claim just doesn’t stack up. They featured no rugby games either.

Which brings me to the overall advert content. Oh deary me, you can tell who is making the money in the South West of England. Yep, Mortgage lenders, car sales, loan sharks and estate agents. Hmmm. I wonder what the advertisers would think if they knew what Pirate FM’s captive audience actually thought of it. I suspect advertising revenue would take a bit of a tumble. Even their ads for jobseekers are just so much noise that is always out of date and pretty irregular anyway.

However, It does provide one form of entertainment that can be quite addictive. Oh yes. Whilst working on the lines, I try to match the beat of the machines to whatever is playing on the radio.

Sad really, don’t you think?

In short, Pirate FM is the direst of radio broadcasting that panders to the lowest common denominator. If you want a local radio station that offers local information and news with at least some depth to it’s entertainment repertoire, tune in to the local BBC radio station (BBC Cornwall 95.2FM or Devon 103.4FM in this case). It can be quite conservative, but at least it does what it says on the tin.

Pirate FM radio. Bringing you real musical variety? No! Bringing you the best in local entertainment, news and information? No, no, no! I’m sure it must have some positive aspects, but I’ve yet to identify them.

I cannot help feeling there is something rather insidious about Pirate FM. I’m sure they have some sort of agreement with the local factories because we cannot get the station changed. Also, Pirate FM sounds remarkably similar to other independent stations such as TFM. Strange to say the least. I could go on but I think you get the picture.

To liken Pirate radio to a pile of pooh would be doing the pile of pooh a disservice, as it would be suggesting that it lacked any kind of substance at all. We all know it certainly does; especially when stepped in.

Pirate FM? Don’t bother.

Summary: Not printable here