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About As Shallow As A Three Day Old Puddle In The Sahara
3 Words - Cheryl Cole
Member Name: missrarr
3 Words - Cheryl Cole
Date: 30/06/13, updated on 30/06/13 (70 review reads)
Advantages: Well... at least its over now
Disadvantages: That I ever listened to it in the first place!
This, good ladies and gentlemen of Dooyooland, is a bit of an experiment.
I sit here about to review an album I've never heard by an artist I don't care for which was among the various bits of detritus dumped on me by a person I don't like - the type who accepts eight months of rent-free hospitality and food and support and then slings a seven year friendship out of the window over a pair of shoes she thought I still had, with a handful of vitriolic nonsense spouted to boot.
But I suppose if I can claw back some reward for putting up with that vacuous waste of space then I should, so before I chuck it, which I expect I shall, I shall now press play on the album 3 Words by Cheryl Cole, an album I expect I shall find tedious, superficial and vacuous, which funnily enough just about sums up the tragic loser who left it in my house in the first place.
Despite my misgivings I promise to be open minded and objective, however if anything I have heard or seen of Cheryl Cole in the media is anything to go by then it will be a sorry way to spend an hour or so. Why will.i.am finds her so fascinating I don't know, but then I don't know a vast amount about the bloke and for all I know he could spend the rest of his time leaning out of his bathroom window trying to get catch fairies in egg boxes or shouting at trees - ie mad as a bag of badgers. This is the woman who married Ashley Cole, for crying out loud. A man so vapidly self-obsessed and one-dimensional its a minor miracle that he doesn't implode - and I say that as a Chelsea fan. I'm hardly expecting an intellectually and emotionally charged musical introspective of the human condition.
Right, here goes...
First track and title track. This is one of the efforts "featuring" (ahem) will.i.am. Its got a little basic guitar work - obviously studio enhanced - in the background before it goes all gets a bit more electro. It tells a story through the two singers of two people meeting members of the opposite gender in respective public hangouts and telling those people honestly about each other and knowing that they'll end up together. Cheryl sings about will.i.am "saving" her. He sings about her being his wife. Shameless publicity stunt when she went solo with him in her production armoury and lots of magazines showing them together at every damn opportunity and were trying to speculate that she'd finally dumped her arrogant shag-obsessed husband for someone far trendier? Surely not.
Anyway on to the rest of the song. The lyrical idea is that they uttered three words between them that saved their respective lives. Some clumsy rhyming over what becomes a basic electro pop track broken up by being stripped down to that intro music of repetitive "guitar", whispered breathily, culminates in the two trying to sing a line by alternating words... I suppose the intention is a theory of symbiotic love but it comes out as contrived, overly produced nonsense that never really goes anywhere. Rubbish.
I dimly recall this made single status. Another stripped down backing "track" produced entirely by machines. Cole's voice sounds a bit petulant and her lack of range is so obvious. But it has a catchy chorus with a few more layers to the production - the subject of the song being the parachute that will catch her when she falls. I think what she means is a net, but like I said, she married Ashley Cole. Some people are just beyond help.
He's back. Apparently his heaven is Wichoo. I have no idea where Wichoo is. Its probably an island he owns.
Anyway, this is hyper produced, the voices are deliberately warped regularly, the idea is their respective heavens are being with each other. Again its pretty basic in terms of background noise, and there is a comical attempt at a Mariah Carey-esque "oo-oooh-oooh" display of range that the girl just hasn't got. Will.i.am's "here with Cheryl" lyrics are cringe-worthy and again its just a story that never gets started, let alone has a middle and an end. And my god does it go on.
Christ, now she thinks heaven is Wichoo too. It must be nice there.
(At this point, can someone just kill me please?)
~ Fight For This Love~
Oh the irony. The opening line is "too much of anything can make you sick". I was just thinking that this mutual love in with that bloke off The Voice was doing just that. I could actually vomit.
Anyway, this is the most well known track off this car-crash of a solo effort. Cheryl's big solo debut, the track that would prove she was more than just a Cousin It-style bunch of hair extensions on legs.
In fairness its one of the stronger tracks on this album. It's got a bit more life and isn't spent entirely trying to be cool and clever like virtually every other track so far. It's fairly catchy chorus-wise and is probably a perfectly good pop song. If you're into that sort of thing.
~Rain On Me~
Oh dear christ, we're only on track five.
In fairness, this has more promise than most on this album. Something about an unbalanced relationship and waiting for a storm. Let it rain on me, all that nonsense. Tears flowing out to the sea, etc, etc. I actually prefer this to a lot of the tracks on offer, the multi-layering of Cheryl's voice makes up for the next in a saga of basic backing tracks, but the resorting to weather cliches is a bit dull.
~Make Me Cry~
A blatantly techno-style warped voice studio production effort. I think the ultimate "baseline" is meant to be Le Chic-esque but it misses by a long way. The fundamental track is lightly catchy in a "could be in the background of a Wetherspoons" sort of way, but the massively repetitive lyric technique isn't carried by the strength of the music behind it. The narrative idea is a partner trying to hurt someone for their past wrongs, but frankly its just a really irritating lyrical effort. "Duh-duh-dying"? I know how you feel, love.
If only it were.
Anyway, this track is awful. I think the idea is that she's not happy unless is she's with someone and is using inebriation as a metaphor, but this disjointed nonsense is just making me want to drown myself in a bucket filled with Pinot Grigio.
One of those female independence tracks that involves going to the club and dancing a lot. It's got a bit more life than most of the dross on here. Frankly if Cheryl wants a career out of Girls Aloud the club music route wouldn't kill her, because that's all her vocal range is capable of. Even this is monotonous and half-arsed though.
~Don't Talk About This Love~
Fight for it but don't talk about it? Make up your mind love.
This is supposedly a ballad by this album's standards. But its as dull as dishwater. The lyrical idea is - I think - something about asking a lover not to tell anyone about their relationship for fear of being judged, and not being sure if they're ready. Love is brutal, heart is fragile...I'm feeling sick again.
~Boy Like You~
He's back again. Its a more clubby, disjointed effort, her voice made to sound more distant, apparently she's been looking for a boy "like you". Cliches abound.
Thank god, its nearly over. Will.i.am features Cheryl Cole on this one apparently. I vaguely recall he released this as a single and thus their association began. It's just background noise, to be honest. I've heard better stuff piped into elevators.
***DO I LIKE IT?***
Its probably little surprise to hear that no, I damn well do not. Please believe that I went into listening to this with an open mind regardless of my opinion of the artist as a person or "celebrity" - in fact I genuinely hoped to be surprised and impressed because finding good new music is always a revelation.
But this isn't. It truly is the shallowest pop album I've ever listened to, reliant entirely on the production studio staff to try to cover up the fact that the artist has all the vocal range of a strangled sparrow, and their choosing to be clever and do so by backing her with semi-urban, basic, stripped down elevator noise just doesn't work.
Frankly this album being in the possession of the former friend who I now see, retrospectively, as a superficial, image obsessed, selfish waste of space, is a perfect indication of what this offering is - fashion. Its a gimmick based on a myth which started when some stupid unwitting fool suggested Cheryl try some hair extensions on to see if she liked them. Oh, what that person has to answer for. And what will.i.am (no, stuff it, William) should be shot for seeing fit to support this notion by flying her off to his studios. (If you wanted to be really snide, you could suggest that seeing "fit" was quite plausibly his motivation - meow).
Sometimes even the most irritatingly naff albums leave some track that sticks in your head or stands out, but I can genuinely say I have completely forgotten all of the tracks I have just listened to, and that is a blessing that I am truly thankful for. What a total waste of time.
Summary: An exercise in self-indulgent pop nonsense from two people who get called "celebrities"