The Eurovision Is Naff - A Reprise (Eurovision Song Contest)

Member Name: indiecater

Product:	Eurovision Song Contest
Date:	22/05/01 (106 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: The Funniest Program On TV.

Disadvantages: Only On Once A Year.

This is an account I wrote of the Eurovision song contest held in Norway in 1996. I must admit I do love the scoring section of this contest and if it was ever dropped there would be a major gap in the kitsch calendar. I watched the proceedings on RTE (Ireland's national broadcaster) when Pat Kenny who did the voice over. He is now the presenter of Ireland premier chat show, the Late Late. It is only now 5 years later that I feel I can bring myself to letting the world know about my experiences on that faithful night.

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Let's face it, it's a brave person who admits to enjoying the music fest that is the Eurovision. In good company such a statement is likely to create a similar reaction to admitting you enjoy the fragrance emitted from that much lamented orifice. Viewers of this 'top of the ratings' show (statistics recorded from those poor unfortunates who have only have the terrestrial channels) generally fall into 4 categories:

* Those who are into cheese (so bad it's good).
* The OLE brigade.
* Those with an ear for bad music.
* The financially mismanaged.

Unfortunately on Eurovision weekend I fell into the latter category having exhausted the goodwill, pity and most of all, the line of credit usually extended by friends and family to pay for a night out. Accepting my fate I settled down with a cup of black tea and some dry bread in anticipation of some honest entertainment.

The show opened with a sequence, that put Kubrick's 2001 to shame, in which stone age men in various stages of ugliness attempt to contrive a tune using primitive instruments. Perhaps last years winning song, no, just an introduction to host country Norway's glorious past. Pat Kenny once again took the (dis)mantle of commentator as only he can do, adding to the schmaltz the way only Terry Wogan can do better.

The host of this year's contest
was Morten Harknet (ex Aha) who took the job on condition that he could launch his solo career (how David Hasselhoff must have squirmed). Of course he sets the show alight (or was that one of the audience trying to end his pain) with his rendition of 'There are no Saints in Heaven'. His co-host, a Belinda Carlisle impish figure, entered dressed in a chandelier and the pair gab on for about 5 minutes with intermittent sharp Norwegian humour like 'this is the first time Norway hosts the Eurovision......and the last'. As a wry smile flashes across this future Cliff Richard types face, the punters rolled in the aisles (joints that is).

All night the only real joke that comes off is what the host country submitted for a song (you see behind it all they are a bit cleverer than us). Without further ado Mirt exclaims 'Let's do it', which somewhat catches his partner by surprise and grants Nike some free advertising.

Turkey are the first country to tread the 'boreds'. Their entrant with obligatory shiny persona produces what Pat Kenny describes as an ethnic sound. In other words it's unmitigated shite. During this performance the shows producer flicks the special effects switch and where once there was just one singer there are now a set of twins. Only an alcohol induced moment could have done it better. Next up is Tina G from England who should be younger to achieve what she obviously sets out to do, bring sexiness to the Eurovision. As with a lot of Euro entries, who fail in being sexy, there is just too much fluff and not enough bum. Oh by the way the song was just a little bit bad. Turkey in the lead.

The Bible bashing Antonio was Spain's rather feeble entry this year. 'Antonio starts off in a state of near hysteria and moves up from there' says Pat as the Spanish Lothario calmly rhymed off his lullaby cum ballad. It seemed the occasion was getting to everyone. The litany of awfulness cont
inues as song after song redefine dross. We meet the Cypriot Slash, a 16 year old Maltese Bjork, a tragic hairless Slovenian Michael Bolton and a pathetic Austrian Jerry Lee Lewis. During the Switz entry the special effects once again raise their ugly head. Oddly enough the shows technical team were said to be the same one that provided Wanderly Wagon with many of its dazzling moments circa 1975.

Estonia liven up proceedings with their entry 'Beauty and the Beast' and remain true to their word as the waif like urchin and obese bearded plonker combine to produce a 'lovely' 4 minutes. A rapturous applause is somewhat complimentary for a song that is weaker that a Beautiful South b-side. After Norway's effort, Pat comments that they have come a long way from their nil pointe status. Unfortunately for us he hasn't.

A slight departure in this year's competition is an excerpt from each Prime Minister egging on their respective entry. At last it seems that Europe is catching up on the U.S. in the idiot politician stakes. So it's no surprise to see John Bruton rather unexcitingly wish good luck to Ms. Quinn and Co. That will look well on his C.V. as the Anglo-Irish talks gather momentum.

At the end of a very long dark tunnel Sweden provide a tiny glint of light with their film score type melody which is totally brilliant. However melodrama once again envelops us as the comedic duo return, wherein the stony Mortician introduces the nights centrepiece, a mad helicopter ride which captures several musicians in isolated locations that Spielberg forgot to use. Then it's back to the auditorium where a stage invasion by a host of colourful characters create a theme of loveable rogues. Tackiness resides and prospers in this northern outpost.

Finally it's over to the 23 juries.....IRELAND TWELVE POINTS .... Ah well, that's Eurovision over for another year.

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